How to get kicked out of a fancy pants hotel

Why use elevators when you can climb? Show off your stealth moves by climbing balcony to balcony to get back to your room. Not only will you avoid awkward conversation while waiting for the elevator, you can get a sneak peek of your neighbors.

Let the hallway become a race track. Never mind that it’s 2 a.m. Let the races begin!

When walking through the hotel’s dining area, casually graze your hands over tables being sure to knock over drinks or any of those towers made from creamers (you know you’ve made them.) If food is available, grab a breadstick. Don’t look back. Just keep on walking.

Who doesn’t like a little suspense in the morning? Find me someone and I’ll show you a liar! I suggest creating a fort out of the pillows on your bed. There’s always like 17 of them. In the morning, hide behind your fort and pop out when the cleaning lady comes in. Boo!

This one might hurt you a bit. Set your alarm for a god awful time, like 3 a.m., and turn the volume all the way up. When it goes off, don’t turn it off or hit snooze. Let it beep, buzz or ring for as long as you can stand it, then hit snooze. Lather, rinse, repeat.

If your hotel has a fountain or a pool put some bubbles in it. If you’re really feeling adventurous, grab a rubber ducky and hop in! Don’t forget a towel though. Wait…I forgot which guide this was. Nix the towel idea. After all, you are trying to get kicked out. Last I checked public nudity was frowned upon.

If you’re lucky enough to have some trees in your hotel, real or fake, take advantage of them! Practice your Tarzan call or pull a blanket up there and create your club house. Don’t forget the “No girls allowed” sign.

If you’re feeling particularly sneaky, get up really high so you’re hidden by the leaves and drop raisinettes on people below.

If you’re able to get a hold of a few birds, bring them in and try to get them to make a home out of the tree. If someone asks you what you’re doing, tell them they’re your seeing-eye birds.

Does your hotel have a kiddie pool? If so, dive in! Well don’t really dive. But feel free to push kids down the slide so you can get down faster. You can dress yourself up with arm floats and one of those cool innertubes that look like a duck or turtle and wrap around your waist. Throw a hissy fit for dramatic effect.

When you’re done running through the hallways, walk up and down them while talking on your cell phone with an obnoxiously loud voice. When someone complains, look really confused and pretend you don’t speak English.