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Get Obnoxious in New York
- by matt_fried
- -
- August 26, 2008
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There are only two kinds of New York tourists: the annoying and the murderable. For all of their "sparkling" qualities, most New Yorkers would prefer to do without either. Unfortunately, when you live in the largest city on the planet, not the case... ever. So I say: instead of beating them, annoy them at their own game. I know that most tourists don't mean to harm anyone... but can you really say "No." to this opportunity?
10:30 a.m.
Marriott Marquis Hotel
1535 Broadway At The Corner Of 45th, New York, NY 10001
Start your day here in one of the largest, most over-the-top hotels in Midtown. If you’ve ever been inside the Marquis, you know about the weird, multi-tiered interior that resembles more of a mall than a hotel lobby. Step inside the Starbucks and order one of the most generic drinks you can think of (“Grande Non-fat Latte” for example). Start talking rather loudly in your beautiful, blatant, New York way about how living with three gay musical theater actors is hard enough without having to pay $1100 a month for a four bedroom in Harlem.
Start your day here in one of the largest, most over-the-top hotels in Midtown. If you’ve ever been inside the Marquis, you know about the weird, multi-tiered interior that resembles more of a mall than a hotel lobby. Step inside the Starbucks and order one of the most generic drinks you can think of (“Grande Non-fat Latte” for example). Start talking rather loudly in your beautiful, blatant, New York way about how living with three gay musical theater actors is hard enough without having to pay $1100 a month for a four bedroom in Harlem.
11:00 a.m.
Toys R US At Times Square
1530 Broadway, New York, NY 10036
Appease the brat in you and run amok. Get your in-store photo taken at every opportunity in store. Make sure to mention to everyone around you that you’ll need two: one for you, and one to send to your illegitimate son in New Jersey.
Appease the brat in you and run amok. Get your in-store photo taken at every opportunity in store. Make sure to mention to everyone around you that you’ll need two: one for you, and one to send to your illegitimate son in New Jersey.
12:00 p.m.
Top of the Rock Observation Deck
30 Rockefeller Plz, New York, NY 10112
Here’s is the one spot that you should actually slow down and take it all in. Top of the Rock offers a breathtaking view of the entire NYC area, good enough to rival the Empire State Building. Where do you get to have fun? The hyperspeed elevator that takes you up and drops you down. Step inside, move to the back, and start talking about that one time at work where the elevator stopped for fifteen minutes and you were wedged in with, like, twenty other people.
Here’s is the one spot that you should actually slow down and take it all in. Top of the Rock offers a breathtaking view of the entire NYC area, good enough to rival the Empire State Building. Where do you get to have fun? The hyperspeed elevator that takes you up and drops you down. Step inside, move to the back, and start talking about that one time at work where the elevator stopped for fifteen minutes and you were wedged in with, like, twenty other people.
1:00 p.m.
Grab lunch on 42nd Street at the city’s largest, gaudest McDonald’s. Every day tourists are spell-bound at two things here: the flashing lights and the fact that it’s open all night. I’m just angry they took the Snack Wraps off the Extra Value Menu.
1:30 p.m.
Madame Tussauds
234 W 42nd St, New York, NY 10036
42nd Street’s greatest money monster and all you’re paying for is to stare at wax statues of celebrities. So mess with some people’s heads. When some church group is cozying to the fake George W. Bush, try to slyly mention “You know a homeless person touched that, right?”
42nd Street’s greatest money monster and all you’re paying for is to stare at wax statues of celebrities. So mess with some people’s heads. When some church group is cozying to the fake George W. Bush, try to slyly mention “You know a homeless person touched that, right?”
The Today Show
Every tourist in New York apparently wants to be on The Today Show. This would be the one activity I would advise against crashing. First off, the best time to get there is 6:30 in the morning. Next, you stand around watching the show getting produced, but don’t get to see much: most of the set is angled away from the plaza windows and the audio system outside is hit or miss. The mixed vibe of confusion and impatience amongst the crowd is already very stagnant. If your life goal is to make-out with Al Roker during his weather report, I would say the thirty minute wait to see any of the anchor staff live outside the studio is bearable. Once again, this whole experience is only for diehards. When I say “diehards,” I guess I mean people who really do have nothing better to do than terrorize the high school marching band of Anchorage, Alaska.
3:30 p.m.
One Shubert Alley
346 W 44th St, New York, NY 10036
Get into a fistfight with an elderly woman from Nebraska for the autograph of Clay Aiken in Monty Python’s Spamalot
Get into a fistfight with an elderly woman from Nebraska for the autograph of Clay Aiken in Monty Python’s Spamalot
4:00 p.m.
Build-A-Bear Workshop
565 5th Rm Avenue, New York, NY 10017
Wreck havoc at America’s favorite giftery. See if you can get them to put together a “Sorry After We Broke-Up, You Couldn’t Stay On The Lease” Bear.
Wreck havoc at America’s favorite giftery. See if you can get them to put together a “Sorry After We Broke-Up, You Couldn’t Stay On The Lease” Bear.
5:00 p.m.
Fifth Avenue
Kill some real time by getting in front of the slowest moving tourist group you can find, and walk even slower.
6:00 p.m.
Jekyll & Hyde Club New York
1409 Avenue Of The Americas, New York, NY 10019
Are there other theme restaurants you could go to? Ones that are within reasonable distance to Times Square? Where you’ll be paying for the same overpriced food any way? The answer is “Yes.” But Jekyll & Hyde is a true camp experience, with live entertainment that has helped it outlast many of its competitors. Get a table on the second floor overlooking the whole restaurant and feel free to be as loud and rowdy as you want. Everyone else there is either from the suburbs or Florida – New Yorkers are crazy people to them.
Are there other theme restaurants you could go to? Ones that are within reasonable distance to Times Square? Where you’ll be paying for the same overpriced food any way? The answer is “Yes.” But Jekyll & Hyde is a true camp experience, with live entertainment that has helped it outlast many of its competitors. Get a table on the second floor overlooking the whole restaurant and feel free to be as loud and rowdy as you want. Everyone else there is either from the suburbs or Florida – New Yorkers are crazy people to them.
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.jpg "Chelsea")
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HA this is like. my dream day in New York. :) hahah
.jpg "aliciak")
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You pretty much nailed it!
.jpg "mswen")
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Fantastic!
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