Categories: Humor; News, Politics, & Pop Culture

Gangsta Rap Made Me Do It

By Chelsea
updated 2 months ago

"I can say what I want to say ain't nothin' to it gangsta rap made me do it......I can act like an animal ain't nothin' to it gangsta rap made me do it.....If I eat you like a cannibal ain't nothin' to it gangsta rap made me do it.........So if I act like a pimp ain't nothin' to it gangsta rap made me do it."

Ah, Ice Cube oh how you speak to my generation so well. Look, I've been known to bust a flow or two in my day....that's right, straight Eminem in 8 Mile. Ok. Not exactly like that, but this whole idea of blaming "Gangsta rap" is the new "my dog ate my homework." It's the new "traffic." It's the new way for the cool kids to remain completely unaccountable for their actions (which I'm totally a fan of) if it wasn't me and if it was...... gangsta rap made me do ittttt.

Here are some ways YOU can blame gangsta rap, just apply them to your situation and you ARE GOLDEN.

HEY BOSS

I know that project is due and we’re behind on numbers this quarter. My team and I have been working really hard on getting this company back on the right track. We’ve been putting in long hours, staying late, putting up with unruly customers, and missing our kids dance recitals all for the sake of the company.

So the other day, when we had that “long business lunch” and the guys and I didn’t make it back to the office to talk over spread sheets, we INTENDED to only have A BEER, and so when I texted you and said, “F THIS JOB…...I’m moving to HAWAIIIIIIIIII and I’m taking my customers with me. I’m gonna SURF and say SCREW WORK.”
I didn’t mean it. I wouldn’t have usually drank that much on the clock, ts just that….... gangsta rap made me do it.

DEAR GOD..........

......I know I’ve been a disappointment lately. Am I a bad person for thinking my best friends baby is really ugly? Has Satan invaded my mind??? Aren’t all babies angelic and made in the likeness of God, beautiful, innocent and perfect? What is wrong with me? Every time I see this baby I can’t help but notice that she looks shockingly like John Goodman.

I’d also like to confess and ask for forgiveness for my recent fantasies about my next door neighbor. It’s just that, his abs look like Brad Pitt’s circa Legends of the Fall and ever since my husband got laid off his abs look like the Doughboys. And I just can’t stop the visions of licking his killer pectorals.

I don’t know what’s come over me. I have been listening to a lot of that Fifty Cent character. Maybe…... gangsta rap made me do it???

Amen.

P.S. I’d like a bracelet from Tiffanys.

To My LOVELY, beautiful wife,

I know you’re wondering how I got crabs in my eye.

Let me explain, and first off let me say- nothing happened.
It’s just, we’ve had a dry spell lately and they “guys” suggested we go out, ya know, have a boys night. SO- when Larry suggested the strip club, I didn’t have a choice….he was the DD. I swear, I didn’t want to go. Anyway, so uh…next thing I know, someone bought me a lap dance.

Apparently….she got a little too close to my face, or something?......

I SWEAR, I’ll never, ever, do it again.

But those rap guys are always talking about….being in love with strippers and stuff and, well, I just needed to see what all the fuss was about.

Hunny….... gangsta rap made me do it.

That one time I forgot your birthday.

I’ve been known to be a bit selfish from time to time and numbers/dates have never really been, “my thing.” So when I called to talk about “life” and complain about my current single status, bank account, and the pizza I ate last night, it totally SKIPPED my mind that is was your birthday.

I should have known better, we’ve been friends for about….10 years? And usually, this would have NEVER happened, I would’ve remembered and even sent you a cake, I’m sorry for forgetting, its just that….. gangsta rap made me do it.