Futuristic Technology that Never Arrived

by Dead C - October 31, 2008

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Still waiting on that Hoverboard? Technology doesn't always operate the way we envisioned that it would. It's interesting that what we see as "futuristic" now is based off of references and ideas that were actually created in eras like the 1950's. All right! Enough with logic and understanding, let's get angry! Here are some of the devices that we were promised and were never delivered. Someone needs to pay!!!

Rosie. Bing! Bing!

Oh, the empty promise of a robot made for a robot maid.

This one actually frightens me a bit. Slavery isn’t something to toy with. With the way people treat each other, I’d hate to see the inevitable backlash from something that could crush my skull with one hand while it flips Sizzlean with the other.

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In “Back to The future 2” Biff’s grandson, Griff Tannen, rides a hoverboard known as “Pit Bull”. I saw the actual model from the movie at the Science Fiction Museum in Seattle and it broke my damn heart. This cheap piece of junk was constructed from wood and a shotty paint job.

It looks so real in the film, but I could see the wood grain and paint streaks when I got upclose.

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The Holodeck

This photo from worth1000.com clearly displays the possible issues with the creation of reality altering landscapes of this sort.

You may have seen the Futurama episode where the Holodecks malfunction or many of the similar examples presented on shows like Star Trek, but did you know that this idea has been toyed with for years before that and with the same worries?

Two days ago I was reading Ray Bradbury’s “The Illustrated Man” in which he addresses the same problems and that book was written in 1951. In chapter 2 a couple is eaten by lions. LIONS PEOPLE! And in their own home. It’s a shame, because your shelter is supposed to work as protection. Yet, the future offers the same tortuous punishment that befell Roman Gladiators in 264 BC without ever having to take off your robe and slippers.

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Virtual Reality in our Homes

Look familiar folks?! During the era where we were presented with technologically wonderous films like “The Lawnmower Man”, Nintendo decided to release this home device known as Virtual Boy. It was horrible.

Fortunately the Wii has been able to make up for the failed interactive accessory known as the Power Glove.

NOTE: The power glove still makes a pretty sweet accessory for jaunting around town or picking up ladies at comic conventions

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Jet Packs for Everyone

I know, you’ve seen footage of jet packs being tested and used on television, but do you know anyone that actually has one?

Every time I see one of these things they don’t look very safe, they look hard to control, and they don’t lift you more than a few feet off of the ground. They’re still trying, but they definitely are not there quite yet.

You’d have better luck with a huge string of balloons than one of these technological failures

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Why there are no "REAL" Hoverboards

I had my friend Mike (pictured) research the issue behind the lack of Hoverboards and the false promises behind them for my website. In the article ""The Future is Now! :Where’s my Hoverboard?!":http://monsterfresh.com/2007/07/19/the-future-is-now-wheres-my-hoverboard/ he covers what happened and the misleading comments that helped to spread rumors and lead us to believe that these contraptions were on their way to being placed in our young arms by Holiday season.

Who else had so called “friends” get their hopes up by telling them about people they knew who had one? Sadistic bastards!

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50's Kitchen of the Future

The kitchen of the future is the one that I’ve always been the most fascinated with.

In some of these old videos, I’ve seen cutting boards pull out as immaculately set dinner tables complete with center pieces.

This entire video is a sham from the beginning. Look how happily she dances just to be able to use appliances. Throw some crazy kids into the mix and see how smooth everything operates.

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DEVO Plays Macworld party and Turns things upside down

After being invited to perform at the Macworld computer conference and expo in San Francisco this January, Singer Mark Mothersbaugh, dressed as the band’s trademark character “Booji Boy” used the opportunity of center stage to publically attack computers and the computer age calling it a form of DE-EVOLUTION while “keeping it real” Real hilarious!

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This is supposed to be Hover-Car!

Geekologie has this listed under hover car. Hmm…. I can see two problems with this. First of all, this isn’t a car at all and the second issue is that no one ever wanted a hover car; we were promised “FLYING” cars.

Why hover when you have wheels anyway? Unless you want a hovercraft which is a whole other mode of transportation altogether. (They’ve also tried to pass hovercrafts off as Hoverboards, by the way)

What we basically all need is miniature personal planes but, based on history, people are eventually going to want them larger (see Humvee). Eventually we will be back to Lear jet and those already exist except they cost too damn much.

The issue with most of the technology on this list, especially this one, is a lack of convenience. These products don’t make you go faster, they make you go slower with less efficiency. Back to the drawing board, or “Hey! If you’re gonna play around, why not just focus on trying to cure AIDS” It is still around, you know.

I’m over it.

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Discussions

: by kimbayah 11/07/2008 Reply

I wouldn’t mind a teleporter and maybe a trip or two in a time machine too! Dammit, where’s my futuristic future!?!

: by Dead C 10/31/2008 Reply

Or 12 lions drinking your beer….

: by JayFerris 10/31/2008 Reply

Lions be damned! I’m willing to risk it for some holodeck action. Really the worst that could happen is the 12 women simultaneously pleasuring me forgetting the beer.

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About The Author

Dead C

Fremont, Seattle

I run a site called "Monster Fresh dot com" I am a fan of Taqueria's, jazz, 80's films in the vein of "D.A.R.Y.L.." and "Cloak & Dagger", and boomboxes with removal speakers.