How To Grow Old

Refer to all rock, rap & hip hop music as "jungle music."

If this seems too politically incorrect, “rap hop” is another fine option. Either way, whenever a young whippersnapper starts to play some of this material, be sure to squint slightly out of your left eye. Photo Credit

Be sure to misprounounce "chipotle."

…Or any other word with multiple vowels. In my experience, this word is the biggest indicator of being before or after the dawn of Mr. Potato Head. Baby boomers and up seem to prefer a more jumbled patois, calling this popular pepper “chipol-tay,” “chipol-tee,” and even “chip-totally.”

Mild Pace salsa still too spicy for your stomach lining? Join the vowel mix-up craze by going to get an orange dream machine at “Jambo Juice.” Photo Credit

Call your cordless phone your "traveling phone."

Even though it took you seven years before you agreed to take this Christmas gift out of the box, your 1992 cordless phone is now your most prized piece of electronic equipment. Please remember to only use it within six feet of the charger, as you are nervous about the batteries running low. Photo Credit

Keep brain active with stimulating board games.

Keep glass jar of mediocre-tasting candies.

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Pronounce the "h" in white.

Give Wii a chance.

Mail "Peanuts" clippings to family members.

Flirt openly with anyone under the age of 40.

Pinching is totally acceptable. Photo Credit

Wear all one color whenever possible.

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It makes coordination so much easier! Photo Credit

Meet your friends every Sunday for free lunch of Costco samples.

Lunch on a toothpick? Classy! Photo Credit

Constantly bemoan weight of grandchildren.

No matter their level of physical fitness, you must always find your grandchildren to be nothing but bone, or way too fat. Please be vocal.

Own your own pool noodle.

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