Category: Misc.

Fresh Meat: A Guide for San Francisco's Aspiring Carnivores

By andrea
updated 5 months ago

I’m not posing another argument in favor of eating meat. But I know from experience that becoming unvegetarian is just as difficult as becoming a vegetarian in the first place. After fifteen years without a hamburger, I was done with soy and barley, had given up on the numerous and inadequate alternatives for chicken and steak. I wanted real food.

In a city where everyone seems to have some sort of exceptional eating habit(s)—lacto, micro, no carb, no wheat, no whey—it’s admirable to live unapologetically free of dietary restrictions. But giving up vegetarianism is like losing your virginity: It demands ceremony, if not choosiness. The question of the ‘right time’ pops up, and as with picking your first, the options become daunting. Here, for aspiring carnivores, is a guide to overcoming your anemia as painlessly as possible, and venturing into the world of red meat.

Step 1: You Know You Want Bacon

Every vegetarian freaks out at the scent of bacon. It’s like meaty catnip. Something about the ambiguous mixture of salt and fried makes the meat more appealing after you’ve gone however many years without any kind of fleshy-textured food. Obviously, the best place to get it in San Francisco is The Pork Store—a surefire place to kill a hangover to Sunday morning. The gourmet greasy spoon does it right: The crispy strips of salty, fatty goodness will melt in your mouth and you’ll never look back.

Step 2: Class It Up

If bacon isn’t your thing, start by dining well. Too often, ex-vegetarian hopefuls are swept away by the illusion of nostalgia. Yes, fast food tasted good when you were eight, but it won’t now. Instead of setting yourself up for failure, treat yourself to a higher-end place where the organic, farm-raised meat and four-star chefs make for an ethical and tasty pairing. Like rose petals and candles on prom night, breaking your vegetarianism on fine dining will lend the experience all the pomp and circumstance you could want. Take solace in the fact that Oliveto’s chef Bertolli dishes fine meats from places like Willis Farm, and the famed Zuni burger is made from Neiman beef. In most San Francisco restaurants, you can be assured that the meat you’re served has seen more sunlight and eaten better than you ever have.

Step 4: Go Ethnic

Sure, vegetarians love to eat ethnic, but if you met a vegetarian and didn’t know better, you might think India, Thailand and Eritrea were the only countries with food. Isn’t it high time to pay due to those cultures you’ve ignored? Start your exploration with the Isles at the British Pig and Whistle. Both the juicy bangers and mash and the generous shepherd’s pie are great ways to begin. If you still crave Asian flavor, but don’t want to fall back into old eating habits, enjoy some Korean barbeque at Hahn’s Hibachi, where you can actually order surprisingly good dishes called the “mountain of meat” and the “pile o’ pork”. Be forewarned that each dish weighs about two pounds. Additionally, you could always enjoy the previously forbidden cultures of your own backyard. Get messy with some of the heavenly short ends at Brother-in-Law’s Bar-B-Que (705 Divisadero St.).

Step 6: Steak Means You've Made It

Lastly, you must admit you’ve been wrong: seitan does not taste like steak. In fact, it is nothing like steak in color, texture or taste. The approximation may be fine on its own, but for curiosity’s sake, head to Morton’s (400 Post St.) or Chez Spencer and see if you can tell the difference. The Chez Steak is slathered in a truffle cream sauce that mixes with the juices creating the best sauce you will have ever tasted. After a few bites, the steakhouse decor of rich velvet and deep, wood trim will make sense, and even if you’re still squeamish about the huge slab of meat in front of you, there will be no doubt that you’ve become an ex-vegetarian.

Step 3: Beer Makes Everything Better

If you’re still a little intimidated or slightly guilt-ridden after your first-rate meal, drown your sorrows as you forge on. Unlike last week’s out of character, inebriated tryst, you won’t beat yourself up over these juicy memories the next morning. So head to Zeitgeist (199 Valencia St.), where the devastatingly tasty burgers have been featured in Gourmet and the sausage sandwiches keep everyone happy. Unlike casual sex, eating meat while drunk is always good: your inhibitions are similarly diminished, but eating requires minimal coordination.

Step 5: Get Political

As you continue, try standing by the alternative politics which most likely brought you to vegetarianism in the first place and stick it to capitalism by paying tribute to Katia’s Russian Renaissance Restaurant in the Richmond. This place is the old world, to be sure. Wine list? No. Vodka list? Of course. Enjoy the shashlik (spice-saturated lamb and peppers) or the borscht. If you want to remain with the proles, but go continental, head to East-German Walzwerk where the wienerschitzel is sure to convert the pickiest of vegetarians into veal-loving comrades.