How To Throw An Orphan's Thanksgiving

RULE 1 - Delegate

That’s more like it.

Rule 3 - Make Spiced Cider

You won’t regret spending $17 on cinnamon sticks for long!

Rule 4 - Make Pilgrim Hats

When the aroma of mom’s gravy recipe makes one homesick guest start to cry, cheer him up with construction paper!

RULE 5 - Don't Buy A 20 Pound Turkey

Even though we somehow had the foresight to buy a thawed turkey, (who knew a frozen one takes 5 days to thaw?), we ended up having to cook our bird for over 6 hours, forcing us all into a state of spiked cider delirium.

And whatever you do, don’t make budget costs on the meat thermometer.

RULE 7 - Play Pin The Wattle On The Turkey

All you need is some paper, a few highlighters, and some Scotch tape to ensure the best Thanksgiving of your life.

FUN FACT: A “wattle” can also be referred to as a “snood.”

How much do you think this weighs?

Don’t forget your list!

RULE 2 - Don't Let The Healthy Guy Make Anything

…Or else you’ll end up with steamed yams. The whole point of Thanksgiving is to be indulgent, right? This is the only time of year you’ll actually crave vegetables covered in canned cream of mushroom soup and crispy onions, so give into the caloric pitfall.

...And Injun Hats

RULE 6 - Insist Upon An Awkward Pre-Meal Ritual

On Thanksgiving, it is expected to be annoyingly ceremonial. Force everyone to hold hands during a non-denominational prayer, and share the story of their respective first Thanksgivings.

Don’t forget to spin each person ten times before the games begin.

RULE 8 - Weigh Yourself Before & After Eating

Whoever gains the most weight wins! One year my little cousin gained 6 pounds.

RULE 9 - Bring Out Your Peace Pipe

Remember, everyone’s a friend at the Thanksgiving table.