Guide To Finding a Girlfriend/Boyfriend in Los Angeles

Okay. So I recently read somewhere that the best place to meet a potential girlfriend/boyfriend was at a local Dog Park. 

Why not, right? You’re outside, you’re watching your dog play, having a good time; and your spirits couldn’t be any higher.

But there is one problem that I have come across with this theory. Not everyone has a dog to bring to the dog park. I do, but it’s with my parents in New Jersey, and for some reason, women apparently find it “strange” when men go to the dog park to hit on them without a dog, but with several dog pictures in their hands.

So, instead of spending money on a new dog, just to meet women, (hey, if I’m gonna spend money to meet women, I might as well sign up for JDate, right?) I have found a way around this “dilemma.” 

Here’s what you do:

Go out to the nearest pet store, and buy a leash. If you can’t afford one, you shouldn’t be picking up women anyway, but if you absolutely have to- steal it. Bring that dog leash to the dog park, and sit outside holding it while you watch the dogs play. 

Why would I do that, if I don’t actually own a dog, you might ask? 

Because you will have to make it seem like one of those dogs running around in there is your dog. This will require some acting on your part, but hey, you live in Los Angeles, so why not put all of that money you spent on “acting class” to good use? 

Here are a few suggested lines to shout out at your “dog”:

1.  “Hey, play nice, Monty!” 

2.  “That’s a good boy, Monty” 

3. “Go Monty, Go!”

I’ve found that the latter works best, since it’s the most natural sounding, and any dog that hears it, named Monty or not, will probably be “going” somewhere anyway, which means you’ve trained him well.  Don’t forget to clap from time to time, and always wear a bright shining smile on your face! After all, you really do love that dog. 

Now that you’ve convinced everyone you belong there- the following are suggested lines to mumble to yourself,  just loud enough for other people to hear, in between shouts to “Monty.” This way you can “seal the deal” and score a date: 

1. “Maybe I should build a Dog Park in the backyard of my mansion” 

2. “I wish I had a girlfriend who loved dogs as much as I do, so we could talk about it in my mansion”  

3. “I wonder where I can find a woman who also owns a dog, and is  interested in bringing them to Dog Parks, so I could take her out on a romantic dinner date. But what do I know? I’m just a millionaire with way too much money and way too much love to give, all alone in my giant mansion. (sigh) Oh well. (sigh again) Mansion.” 

Again, the latter works best in this scenario. Not only because it’s the most natural sounding, but the act of sighing shows how vulnerable you are. Believe me when I tell you how much women at the dog park love vulnerable millionaires.

Aye, but there’s the rub my friends. Do you really want to start dating a girl who is only interested in you because of your millions of dollars or your fancy breathtaking mansion? Even though in reality, you live in a studio apartment and steal leashes for your non-existing dog? 

The answer is YES. 

Relationships are based on lies anyway, so you might as well make them really awesome ones. Dating is hard in Los Angeles, so take what you can get and be happy.

Finally, here is a little word of advice for women trying to meet men at the Dog Park:

Don’t talk to strange men holding leashes;  no matter how much money you think they might have. Odds are that they’re desperate freaks, and you should never trust them.

But if for some strange reason you actually are looking for a desperate freak that you can’t trust- well then, by all means send me an email:  I’m free all weekend.