Feel Bad About Yourself on the Westside

Like some of the other places on this guide, you’ll feel bad about being poor as soon as you walk into this sprawling Beverly Hills showroom. Eager sales associates will know what you can afford and what you just want to try on because it’s so sparkly you can’t resist. But Tiffany kills 2 birds called self-esteem and confidence at once by also making you feel bad about being single! In an ideal world, of course I would want a one of kind vintage engagement ring from Antiquarius but you know, in a pinch I would settle for something from Tiffany. I mean, not that I’m ready to settle. Um. Nevermind.

Spend $70 on a Hydrotherapy Tahitian Milk Bath. Feel relaxed? Now close your eyes and focus on this thought: You just spent $70 on to bathe in Milk from Tahiti. You are an idiot.

If you’ve got $45 and a high tolerance for pain, stop in at Anastasia in Beverly Hills to have your eyebrows shaped by “Eyebrow Shaper to the Stars” – Anastasia. Sure, you might come away looking like Gwyneth, but those hairs just grow back, so it will all feel pretty futile.

Did you hear that Dreamworks just bought my unwritten script for 6 figures against the mid 50s? Oh, you have no idea what that means? Spend some more time sucking down $20 martinis at the dark L’ermitage bar and maybe you can figure it out. Then you can explain it to me. (No one bought my script, by the way. So, it’s still for sale!)

You always want the best for your kid, so it’s going to be a pretty depressing day when you realize you will never be able to afford the best for your kid. This private K-12 school in Brentwood costs $26,000 per year. I thought you couldn’t put a price on the future of your children, but it’s now pretty obvious that you can and it’s less than $26k.

See a bad movie in the fancy, high tech, awesome cinerama dome on Sunset Blvd. and proceed to feel bad about how you just spent almost $20 to see Rush Hour 4: Whitey’s Revenge.

You know how your mom used to make you clean your room before the cleaning lady came? And it was like “WTF, mom, I thought she was getting PAID to clean?” and it was 10 years ago so she said “WTF? What does that mean?” Anyway, this is the gym where you work out before you go to the gym because everyone there is already hot. If you’re not Mischa Barton, this place will probably make you feel fat. And it costs at least $120 a month, so you’ll probably feel bad about not being able to afford it, too.

Frequent shopping spot for the likes of Paris and Nicole, Kitson will make you feel like you have far too many scruples (what do you mean you’d never sell a t-shirt with your own face on it?) and not enough money (what do you mean you don’t have $50 for a t-shirt with someone else’s face on it?). To top it off, you’ll probably get a parking ticket on Robertson and that will make you just feel dumb.

Feel bad about having a bad haircut at this 3rd St. landmark. Then, after they give you a new one, feel bad about how you’re now broke and probably shampoo too often and don’t use enough product.

This swank yet hip department store has been the apex of my celebrity sightings since first getting to L.A. in 2002. Yet another place to feel bad for being broke and unfamous.

Show up here between 12:30 and 2:30 on any given week day and feel like a complete creep because you can’t stop staring at the celebrities lunching with their publicists. That shame won’t last for long though, because you’ll quickly realize that you’ll never get a table – a whole new kind of shame!