McFAIL: The McLobster, McAfrica, McRib and Seven More of the Grossest Fast Food FAILS of All Time

by ElGuapo - January 09, 2009

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Though I'm, admittedly, a McDonald's addict and enjoy almost everything on the menu (yes, even the fillet-o-fish) I have doubts as to whether McDonald's ever really thought serving lobster for $5.99 was a good idea? Honestly, that sh*t makes Red Lobster look appetizing...but believe it or not, there is worse stuff out there. Here are the top ten worst fast food items from recent memory. If I left anything off the list, please let me know...

McLobster Sandwich at McDonalds (FAIL!!!)

A maritime treat for the aristocratic fast food lover!

Served in Maine, New Hampshire and the Maritime Providences of French Canadia, this crustaceaous cousin of the Fillet-o-fish was a disturbing mix of lobster and roll smothered in white “McLobster sauce” (believed to be a combination of mayo, tarter sauce and thousand island dressing by forensic food scientists).

At a whopping $5.99 (in 1998 dollars) this fancy feast is on the pricier side of the McValue menu. If they still serve this somewhere and you absolutely can’t resist ordering this sea-farer’s special, you might want to save up to take the missus out for a special occasion!

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Lusty Lobster the

88 Bay Ave, Highlands, NJ 07732

After your special date with the Missus, take her to the Lusty Lobster Caberet and puppet show.

Voted the best Lobster Cabaret in the Mid-Atlantic Tri-State Area twelve year’s running. You won’t be disappointed !!

After your special date with the Missus, take her to the Lusty Lobster Caberet and puppet show.

Voted the best Lobster Cabaret in the Mid-Atlantic Tri-State Area twelve year’s running. You won’t be disappointed !!

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Cici's All-You-Can-Stomach Pizza Buffet (FAIL!!!)

Their website says “Almost too good to be true” which is kind of accurate except I’d substitute the word “surreal” for “good”

This is the only place I’ve ever been where I spent $3.99 for an entire meal of food and left the restaurant feeling like I drastically overpaid.

I went here once when I was in college on my poorest of poor student days. Honestly, this place is f*cking beyond gross. Imagine soggy cafeteria pizza in all-you-can-eat buffet style.

Now imagine the soggy-ass pizza with a spicy carnitas tostada on top, because the “Mexican Ole” Pizza featuring lettuce, cheddar cheese, tomato, sour cream, and ground pork is only one of the delectable pizza choices you can choose from in the “Pizza ’Round the World International Delights Buffet.” Yippee!! BARF!!

Sounds too good to be true, huh? Vomit!!!

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Cici's Pizza

3910 N Druid Hills Rd, Decatur, GA 30033

Try it for yourself. This is the Cici’s I ate at. Seriously, if you’re in ATL and you go here and tell me about your experience, I will reimburse your $3.99.

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The Low Carb Six Dollar Burger at Carl's Jr (Bunless FAIL!!!)

Make it a no taste combo.

Why would you take a perfectly good burger, throw out the bun and wrap it in lettuce?

Can you imagine if they did that with any other food like burritos or pizza? There would be outrage on the streets.

Tip to Carl’s Jr’s: Bread is bueno. It is what makes a sandwich a sandwich or hamburger a hamburger. Without the lettuce you basically have a piece of nasty-fried meat with pickles, mayo and onion..yummy!!!

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Chili Cheese Fries Burrito at Weinerschnitzel (FAIL!!!)

What we’d all be eating if stoners ran the world….

Chili Cheese Fries = awesome to quite awesome

Burritos = awesome to quite awesome

Chili Cheese Fries in a burrito = RETARDED!!!!!

Seriously, what the f*ck were they smoking at Der Weinerschnitzel when they came up with this Mexi-German abomination???

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The McAfrica at McDonalds (Epic FAIL!!!)

Released in 2008 for the Summer Olymics, McDonald’s described the McAfrica as “a taste of Africa with two all beef patties, cheese, fresh tomato and lettuce dressed with an exotic African sauce of mayonnaise and spices.”

What the eff, dude????!!!!!! I repeat WTF!!!!

Seriously, what were they thinking?

There are so many things wrong with this sandwich I don’t know where to start, but let’s start with the fact that there is a massive famine in Africa and starving people on the continent don’t have any food to eat, let alone TWO (not one) all beef patties smothered in “exotic” African Mayonnaise.

I wonder how you say McCulturally Insensitive in Swahili…

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Mama Africa Restaurant Inc

11420 A Sutphin Blvd, Jamaica, NY 11434

For real African Cuisine try this place in Jamaica, New York.

Zagat says “So authentic, you’ll need to get Hepatitis B, Diphtheria, and Rubella vaccinations before you come”

El Guapo recommends the spicy, fried Imperial Ant legs with “exotic African Mayo sauce”.

For real African Cuisine try this place in Jamaica, New York.

Zagat says “So authentic, you’ll need to get Hepatitis B, Diphtheria, and Rubella vaccinations before you come”

El Guapo recommends the spicy, fried Imperial Ant legs with “exotic African Mayo sauce”.

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New Famous Bowls from KFC (Famous FAIL!!!)

Famous? Really? Famous for giving you the runs maybe…

For those unfamiliar with this “famous” Franken Feast, it’s as if some prankster KFC worker found all the chicken turd-scraps, gravy slop and leftover sides at the end of the day and decided to put it all in a bowl and serve it to his stoner buddies.

And what’s even worse than the flavor is the dishonest marketing of this ghastly concoction.

Honestly, KFC…How can something both be “New” and “Famous” at the same time? You can’t introduce a new product and instantaneously dub it “famous” just because you say it’s famous.

KFC FAIL!!!

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The Legend of the McRib Sandwich at McDonald's (Epic WIN!!!!!)

This sandwich is actually AWESOME and I’m quite a fan!! Let’s just say, if McDonald’s offered a PhD in McRib, I’d consider going back to school.

Anyway If you’ve never had the pleasure of being introduced to the elusive McRib Sandwich, allow me to introduce you now.

Although it seemingly has the appearance of a baby back pork rib sandwich, the McRib is actually a boneless (yes I know you’re surprised/confused/disappointed all at the same time) processed pork patty in the shape of baby back ribs. It is then smothered in delicious McHickory BBQ sauce and topped with pickles and onions. By the way, it’s delicious!

Evil McDonald’s execs like to tease our taste buds by repeatedly offering this McDelicacy for a “limited time only” only to yank away the ephemeral sandwich off the Menu for years on end.

In my stalkerish study of the McRib, I’ve found that despite always telling us that it is going to be “gone forever”, Mickey D’s always seems to bring the McRib back every couple of years.

However, nobody but the highest level McDowell’s execs are privy to the McRib’s Touring Schedule. If you didn’t catch the McRib on it’s last farewell tour in ‘06, I recommend you currently plan a rendezvous on it’s 2009 Reunion Tour in 46 US states and Canadian provinces.

Make sure you look your best when you finally meet. You never know when you’re going to get a second chance to make a first impression…actually by my calculations, it will probably be back sometime between 2011-2013.

A very interesting food product indeed.

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: by aliciak 03/04/2009 Reply

You will appreciate this: http://www.seriouseats.com/2009/03/the-supposed…

: by ElGuapo 01/24/2009 Reply

I believe that would be El Guapo who is retarded… Retarded and McDonald’s Free Since New Year’s. No Mas McDowell’s for El Guapo. That was my resolution this year…

: by aliciak 01/24/2009 Reply

Shit dude, you’ve got a serious crush on the McRib. I’m partial to the chicken strips. Especially at 2am. Drunk. Drinking. Publicly drinking. You add in some chicken strips and you’re golden! (pun) Um…I think you only have 7 Fails? Either you’re retarded at counting or I am. MORE FAILS!