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What you need to know to date in Beijing without turning to Prozac
- by baunilhete
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- May 26, 2009
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We delight ourselves with many tales of horror disguised as romantic comedies or successful tv shows until the realization hits: "hey... wait a minute... this seems familiar". Dating is good fun and in spite of the eventual psycho, the laughs we get from sharing the stories with our friends over cocktails are worth it. I know most people make the same statement about whichever city they live in, but dating in Beijing truly is a minefield.
Yellow fever: sex fetish combined with a live-in housekeeper
Most guys who come to China have an almost pathological Asian fetish and the moment their plane lands, they revert to their virgin-teenager school of thought when it comes to sex: quantity over quality. It’s not difficult for them to get lucky: Chinese girls throw themselves at the “Lao Wai” (foreigners); attracted to their height, wide eyes and thick wallets. I realize how petty this sounds, but the Chinese girls are the first ones to admit it.
Also, these girls are the embodiment of how a woman should treat “her man” according to the most conservative misogynistic views: they clean the house, do the laundry, cook, anything so the guy doesn’t overexert himself by lifting his chopsticks. They don’t complain, keep their mouth shut on infidelity and agree with everything Their Man Says.
I wonder why these men go through the trouble of dating in the first place, why not just get an inflatable doll and be done with it?
Truman Capote, here comes your nemesis.
Typical douchebag #1: The Aspiring Writer
In every coffee shop, there they are sipping green tea, convinced they are the next Jack Kerouac and typing away The Greatest Book On China Ev-ah on their laptop. Their usual discours is that they want to experience the “real” China; the exotic and dangerous aspects of the country, at which point I’m bursting to point out that sipping designer tea in a trendy café in Beijing is hardly “The Beach”.
A standard date would consist of a tongue-numbing dinner (on the q-l: real Chinese food is spicier than Thai, Mexican and Indian combined) at some obscure restaurant big enough for 5 patrons, followed by drinks in a Mongolian bar. I.e, joints with no indoor plumbing and silverware so filthy it makes me wish I had picked up bacterial swipes along with the condoms. Call me shallow, but in my materialistic and spoiled western view, it’s possible to enjoy the local culture MINUS the cholera.
The Eternal Holiday Sex Syndrome
One of the perks of going on a holiday is the eternal supply of cheap yet good cocktails, the possibility of meeting people from all over the world, carefree happy hours that lead to even happier sexcapades. Why? Mostly because we know our departure date and wish to make the most of our stay and then there’s the freedom that comes with being in a complete different place than the one you’re used to. The same philosophy applies to the good people of Beijing, and any girl lucky enough to find a functional single guy has one last obstacle to face: The Eternal Holiday Syndrome.
The incredible dates are little more than record breaking, over emotional one night stands. The guy nor the girl want to get attached seeing as a tearful goodbye lays on the horizon.
Typical douchebag #2: The up and coming corporate professional
They are 25-27 and living inside a continuous rap video: amazing apartments, company cars, Iphones, designer clothes, an ever-expanding bar scene, weekend trips to Thailand and staggeringly vast supply of single women.
For the women who can stomach a man who spends the whole evening marveling at how much cheaper champagne is in China than “back home” (whether your date is from Italy or Kazakhstan), a date with one of them starts in the “it” club of the hour and ends in a drunken stumble in his apartment.
Do you want to, like, hang out?
Typical douchebag #3: The Long Term Older "expat"
I realize older men date much younger women all over the world. However, a strange phenomenon takes place in Beijing: 40-year-olds hang out with people if not young enough to be their children, definitely young enough to be their minimal-wedge assistant. So not only it’s normal to be asked out by a middle-aged man but adding insult to injury, it’s normal for said middle-aged man to be wearing flashy converse and lopsided-would-be-funky Japanese caps.
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