The Darkside Of Easter...

LENT

Hey fellow disciples: Remember being coaxed into giving up all sweets for Lent? The way I saw it, the Pope came up with this great idea to force children into a sugar-deprived, cookie-rabid state of insanity, so we would lose all sense of rationality and…you know… really appreciate the Pentacostal miracle or something. Thankfully, Nestle invented “Cookie Crisp” cereal.

Naturally, I devoured about 12 boxes of this “breakfast” item throughout the 40 days of Lent, feeling very proud of myself for finding a way to eat round sugary things with chocolate chips that didn’t actually qualify as official cookies. Still, I still found myself unsatisfied, much like the iconic “Cookie Crisp” wolfdog, dizzied with high fructose corn syrup withdrawals. This set the tone for the great Easter season.

THE HAUNTING BUTTER LAMB

Once the early morning Easter quease-fest finally wore off, our intestines were once again challenged by the ubiquitous double-dog dare to eat the head of the butter lamb. Of course, this disconcerting blob of cow’s butter molded into the shape of a lamb is every grandma’s pride and joy, and this caused a huge internal barbecue for every child. I still get the chills just looking at one of these.

Taking The Wardrobe To An Extreme

Michael Jackson In A Bunny Suit?

The list goes on...

Why The Pageants Were Worse For Boys

DISAPPOINTING EASTER BASKETS

I haven’t been this excited since you gave me the prequil last year.

HOMILY + PEEPS = SAWDUST ON BATHROOM FLOOR

As the Bible tells it, on the first Easter, God created Peeps. On the second Easter, God created man to enjoy Peeps. And on the third Easter, God created that sawdust stuff to put onto all the little kids’ throw up in the Church bathroom after playing chubby bunny for the whole car ride to mass. There’s pretty much nothing worse to look at than hot pink vomit.

HOT BLOOMER ACTION

Bloomers: Kind of like a straight-jacket, but more itchy and demoralizing. Sure, they were cute for the family photos, but what about human rights, Mom?

AND THEN THERE ARE BUNNIES...

Announcement: Bunnies are scary! I knew it even before Donnie Darko came out. I’m not into them, and neither are these kids:

Smile, little girl, or I'll zap you with my carrot-shaped taser.

A Serious Choking Hazard...

PAGEANTS

Remember when you got cast as the Easter Bunny in the 2nd grade spring pageant, and your grandma ended up tailoring your faux-fur white petticoat into a bunny costume, and then everyone in the class spent the entire day petting you, and you had to hold your pee for 7 hours because the bunny suit was too hard to take off without help? Man, didn’t that suck?! Hey, at least you were exempt from playing the recorder solo during the Passover song.

Thanks, Aunt Helen!

Just what I've always wanted...Rabbit nesting dolls...