Unless you’re a member of LA’s moneyed elite, it’s going to be hard to dine at Mastro’s with any frequency. However, it was to my benefit that many of my friends discovered this place as their real estate businesses were roaring back in 2004-2005. Rolling in their entourage, I would regularly rub elbows with various celebrities and stars, but none as often as Johnny Cochran. The five or six times that I dined there that year, I would see him every single time. I need to get a good lawyer, like Johnny Cochran…

Vastly overrated and pretty pricey for what you get, but I guess it’s a chain for some good reason. Still have yet to find what that is.

The business finder didn’t list the Koreatown location, which is infinitely superior to the La Canada branch. That being said, the Koreatown location is one of those stalwart restaurants that refused to be gentrified out of the area by my people’s mad land grabs. Everything about this place is old school: the dark red leather, the dim lighting, and the extensive whiskey list all hearken back to an era when cigarettes and red meat were good for you, and ethnic minorities didn’t intrude on white people’s dining experiences. God bless Taylor’s.

There are two reasons why my friends and I keep coming back to the Palms restaurant. The first is that they have a very detailed customer appreciation program. My buddy, who’s a member of said incentive program, insists on attaining the $10,000 level so that he can get a caricature of himself put up on the wall. The second reason we dine there is that one of the waiters is totally into me and subsequently, we get attentive service, the choicest cuts of meat and a nice “friends and family discount” every time we go. So far, my anal virginity is still intact, but one day I have a dark premonition that Peter’s going to want a return on his already significant investment… just as I foresee a change in dining venues.

I admit Carlitos Gardel is a rather unorthodox choice to include in a steakhouse guide. However, if you know any Argentines, you’d realize that their cuisine tends to be primarily carnivorous and Carlitos Gardel specializes in grass-fed steaks and other native meat dishes. My favorite after their NY steak is the morcilla: Argentine blood sausage!

Spawned from the fiendishly clever minds of the Sushi Roku boys, Boa’s steakhouse sensibilities draw pretty freely from Japanese sushi bar elements, especially when it comes to charging ridiculous prices for artisanal items. In this particular case, you’re paying $100 for Wagyu beef (Kobe beef is sooo 2001!) instead of fatty tuna belly. But no matter how much you shell out, if you ain’t got the smooth moves, you’re still not getting laid.