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Just Pass Me Already!
- by hi_liner
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- March 18, 2009
(6)
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I drive a lot. Between my work commute and my school commute I see a lot of Bay Area freeways during the week. I understand that everyone is trying to get somewhere. I understand that some people drive slower than others. What I don't understand is why a growing number of people need to drive as fast as vehicularly possible while flipping me off and making plans via cell phone for Tuesday night. I just need to get from point A to point B without feeling like I'm Erik Estrada in CHiPs. So if you bad drivers out there want to continue to flip me off, cut me off, tailgate me, scream through your windows, and threaten bodily harm because I'm doing 70 instead of 90 feel free. If you'd like a friendly "step-by-step" on getting your head in the driving game, then take my hand and lets do this.
1. Take a Breath
I know you’re late. Chances are, I’m late too. But just because you rolled out of bed after hitting snooze 23 times doesn’t mean you get to sit inches from my bumper doing 73 mph through the carpool lane. Here is our first lesson. The carpool lane is for carpoolers, not Ricky Bobbies in training.
If you need to go faster than me get in the fast lane and go around.
You might save 5 minutes. Max.
Was it Steve perchance?
2. No Need to Wave
Way to go! You passed step one by getting into the fast lane, accelerating around me and getting back into carpool. I’m seeing some great progress here.
What I don’t need to see is a pointy finger sticking up in the rear window between your Calvin pissing on a Ford emblem and Nascar # 3 sticker.You’ve already passed me successfully, lets both just keep driving and have a great rest of our day.
3. I Don't Need to Smell Your Breath
After politely using your signal, tilting the steering wheel to the right, and merging into another lane to pass me, please feel free to put a few feet between our cars when you merge back in. My bumper doesn’t need to brush lovingly against your exhaust pipe. I know it is tempting to rub backs and fronts, but the freeway really isn’t the place.
I’d be happy to pull off at the next exit though and exchange information. Seriously, call me
Really Lady?
Even boats need a little more room than that when you’re merging back into the waterways.
4. Use Your Gas Pedal
The next step goes for people driving less than 65 mph. I try to practice what I preach by exercising a mammoth amount of patience. But if you are in the left lane, set your cruise to 70 mph. Don’t make me pass you and unintentionally turn hypocrite on my first three steps. Studious scientific studies done by highly trained scientists wearing extremely bleached lab coats have found that drivers going under the speed limit actually cause more accidents than those going above it. So while I appreciate the adherence to safety, try to focus on being safe in the right hand lane.
Slow drivers are out to get me.
Attention Karma - You Are a Jerk
Not one week after posting this guide about how to be a good driver, who gets a ticket? ME!
I failed to yield at a red turn arrow when making a left turn. Look for future guides such as
How to Pass Traffic School
Dress to Impress the Judge
Getting Tasered = Not That Bad!
If You Liked This, You'll Love These:
Someone in Seattle who feels my San Francisco pains.
Learn to Drive!!!!!!!
By: improbable
Sometimes the bad drivers are actually the good ones.
Bad Drivers Are The Best Drivers
By: freeandflawed
Want to hunt down additional burritos?
Bay Area Burrito Trucks
By: Andrea
5. Hang It Up
I’m not trying to sound like my grandpa here, but hang up that darn phone thingy! If I do have to pass you and you are chatting away oblivious to the miles of cars backed up on your bumper, steps one through three are automatically thrown out the driver’s side window. Even though California passed the hands free law, 99% of people driving 50 mph down the fast lane have a phone stuck up to their head. Even though the fear of the law should silence that call, no one seems to get it. Just invest in a Bluetooth and quit making me break my rules.
What?!
6. Visit the DMV
and while you’re there, brush up on the manual, retake the test, get your vision checked, become an organ donor and then get back on the road.
7. Elderly? Get off the Freeway!
I apologize to my grandma up front. She still drives everyday, but I’m not sure she should. I’d like to impose a mandatory driver’s test for anyone over 60-years-old. The only other option is to make elderly driving on the freeway illegal. I’ll allow the side streets, but stay out of my fast lane please.
8. Weaving is for Dummies.
Weaving in and out of cars will not get you there faster. In this time of rising gas prices (again) driving conservatively will help you make that tank last longer. Just try it. Plus, think of all that energy you’ll conserve by not having to flip 87 people off on the drive home because you were “forced” to weave in front of them.
Every rule, however, has its exception. I’m impressed that this guy could drive at all.
9. Don't Speed Up Only to Cut Me Off and Take the Next Exit.
You’ve seen the signs telling you in quarter-mile increments how close you are to your exit. There is no reason to make the decision to jump into the lane next me, floor it, cut me off, and swerve over to the right so you still make your exit.
Really? Was that really worth it? Really?
Oo! Oo! There's Your Exit
10. Carpoolers Must go AT LEAST 65 mph.
This step is especially important when the rest of the freeway is stopped or moving slow. That is the BEST time to go 70 because there is no better feeling in the world than taking advantage of carpool while everyone else is taking advantage of sitting still. But this feeling of pure joy can be ripped away in a moment if the driver in front of me starts sympathy breaking. There is no breaking in carpool! Put your foot back on the gas pedal and speed it up.
For Additional Vehicular Help
Oakland DMV
5300 Claremont Avenue Oakland, CA 94618
There’s a DMV in every neighborhood. I’ve never personally been to Oakland’s, but I’m told it’s lovely.
San Francisco DMV
1377 Fell Street San Francisco, CA 94117
San Francisco’s DMV boasts a short walk to the nearest BART station in case you fail the tests! Ain’t public transportation grand?
Bay Area Driving School
1070 A St, Hayward, CA 94541
If you do fail those tests, take BART over to Hayward and let the Bay Area Driving School get you back on the road (unless you have already forgotten the six steps we just went over, in that case stay on BART, get off in Pleasanton and walk over to El Balazo for a cold beer and super burrito to ease the pain.)
If you do fail those tests, take BART over to Hayward and let the Bay Area Driving School get you back on the road (unless you have already forgotten the six steps we just went over, in that case stay on BART, get off in Pleasanton and walk over to El Balazo for a cold beer and super burrito to ease the pain.)
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It pisses me off when someone honks really aggressively, and passes me and then doesn’t give me eye contact after he (she) does it. I hate that.
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Oh know you didn’t get a ticket – I really like this one sorry you got a ticket. What person did you piss off when you made your illegal move.
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Oh! This makes me miss driving and not at the same time! I HATE when someone cuts you off and then exits or cuts you off just to get one foot ahead – so annoying. I am a really calm and easy going person until I get behind the wheel with multiple NJ of MA drivers. Then, all bets are off…
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