Lakeside is the kind of crumbling, semi-abandoned amusement park that figured in the plot of so many episodes of Scooby Doo. Everything seems to be old and in sketchy repair, like a carnival that came to town and forgot to pack up and move on. On the summer day that I went the lake gave off a rank smell of disease and the park was apparently offering two-for-one entry for gang members.

This old Victorian house is a very big attraction in Denver, averaging at least 9 visitors a year. It is very much like any old house that you could walk through but I was told over and over on my visit that this house is special. It was once lived in by a fat woman who survived a boat wreck. Ooh pinch me. I must be dreaming!

Am I the only one who is totally over the IMAX experience. Yes, we get it, it’s a really big screen. It’s just not that impressive now that many homes have 50 inch TVs with HD. And the movies are so lame. School films about Rivers and Mountains and the Space Shuttle. Enough, already. The IMAX people need to give us something more. How about a Zombie movie, or a movie where Natalie Portman takes a shower? I’d shell out $12 at the museum for that.

It takes a truly mediocre factory to produce a mediocre beer. The tour of the brewery is long and filled with “interesting” information about hops and barly and fermentation. By the time it is over, you really need a beer. Or five.

This is a dusty warehouse full of old cars. That really is all it is. If old cars are your thing, and you like walking alone among them, then maybe this is the place for you. In an effort to save money on electricity the warehouse is kept pitch dark and motion activated lights only illuminate the area in which you are standing. I found this really creepy.

Can you possibly imagine anything on Earth that could be even half as boring as a Quilt Museum? I went to this place with my Mom a few years back and in an instant I was transformed into a whining 9 year old. “Can we go now? I’m hungry, can we leave. This is Boooorinng!” But hey, nice quilts. Oh, and by the way: Who cares?

The highlight of Heritage Square is a long concrete ditch that runs down a hillside. It’s called the Alpine Slide and for quite a lot of money you can take a chairlift to the top of the hill and then slide down the ditch on a large plastic skateboard. This is alleged to be a lot of fun. The rest of Heritage Square is a collection of Olde Timey shops and places to eat overpriced hot dogs. Each day I promise myself that if I am a good person, and I am kind to all people, I will never have to go back to Heritage Square.

This “indoor amusement park” is really something special. It’s like the crappy playland at every McDonalds, but dirtier, and you have to pay for admission. And there are no Happy Meals. Just unhappy kids.

The aquarium is not all that Bad, really, but it is very expensive. Way too expensive. And the fish are, well, fish. They pretty much just lazily swim around. I can watch fish swim around in a tank for free in the lobby of my Dentist’s office. And I get a free toothbrush to take home. It’s a much better use of an afternoon.

I took my girlfriend to this museum a few years ago, largely because I knew she was creeped out by dolls and I thought it would be funny. By the time we left, we were both creeped out. Room after room of dead eyes stare at you. An elderly woman, probably in her 80s, showed us around and pointed out significant dolls. At one point I asked her, “Are you ever here at night when the dolls all come to life and kill people?” She shuddered in terror and said, “There is no way I would ever be here at night. It’s too scary.”