Categories: Eat & Drink; Travel & Events

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Daytrip out of Los Angeles: Napa Valley

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"In Vino Veritas" is just a sexafied way of saying people do some wild shit when they're drunk. Considering Napa Valley was once a sleepy little part of Northern California only highlights the great changes that the wineries have brought in the past couple of decades. On the surface it's calm and collected, but if you look carefully, the undercurrent of drunkenness pervades everything! And only a five hour trip from LA.

Wineries

While Napa is reknowned for it’s amazing culinary options, and its many beautiful rolling landscapes, ultimately, the main draw of the area is always going to be where they make the booze. 

Bouchaine Vineyard

1075 Buchli Station Rd, Napa, CA 94559

The first of our many stops along our wine tour, the ambiance was great until I noticed how many gentlemen were wearing polo shirts with their collars popped. Not to be outdone, one of them had two shirts on (both collars popped) and an ascot. Who the fuck wears an ascot nowadays?

The first of our many stops along our wine tour, the ambiance was great until I noticed how many gentlemen were wearing polo shirts with their collars popped. Not to be outdone, one of them had two shirts on (both collars popped) and an ascot. Who the fuck wears an ascot nowadays?

4 Collars

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I thought this was some wild shit until…

Ceja Vineyards

1016 Las Amigas Rd, Napa, CA 94559

First Messican owned winery in the states. I’m always down for la raza, and although I found the sales pitch very polished, I just couldn’t get into the wine… perhaps my 1st world elitism popping up?

First Messican owned winery in the states. I’m always down for la raza, and although I found the sales pitch very polished, I just couldn’t get into the wine… perhaps my 1st world elitism popping up?

La Familia Ceja

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“Yes, we’re the Eyebrows, but at least we’re not the Culos.” So cool, gonna call you a culo.

Cuvaison Estate Wines

4550 Silverado Trl, Calistoga, CA 94515

A pretty nondescript place save for the wine sommalier that was a doppleganger of Kherington Payne, a dancer from the reality TV program, So You Think You Can Dance. When I asked her facetiously, “So, is Twitch (another contestant) around?” she looked at me quizzically and then walked away… which is a reaction I get quite frequently when trying to chat up women.

A pretty nondescript place save for the wine sommalier that was a doppleganger of Kherington Payne, a dancer from the reality TV program, So You Think You Can Dance. When I asked her facetiously, “So, is Twitch (another contestant) around?” she looked at me quizzically and then walked away… which is a reaction I get quite frequently when trying to chat up women.

Dancer, Sommalier, Artiste

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Oh Kherington, you’re too good for Cuvaison.

Schug Carneros Estate Winery

602 Bonneau Rd, Sonoma, CA 95476

They’ve make an excellent Sauvignon Blanc here with hints of lychee and pears, if you’re into that sort of thing. We bought a half case and were amply rewarded when mi corazon told the owner that her uncle is the number one volume wine importer in Hong Kong. Can you say friends and family discount?

They’ve make an excellent Sauvignon Blanc here with hints of lychee and pears, if you’re into that sort of thing. We bought a half case and were amply rewarded when mi corazon told the owner that her uncle is the number one volume wine importer in Hong Kong. Can you say friends and family discount?

Popped Collar Champeen

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23 Collars, all popped. You deserve an award, sir.

McKenzie Muller

2530 Las Amigas Rd. Napa, CA 94559

The last stop on our wine tour, the husband and wife team were extremely nice, informative and didn’t seem the least bit off-put that everyone in my tour group save the driver and myself were drunk off their asses. Great wine too, especially their Malbec.

Sexy Wine

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Inanimate objects can consummate their love too.

Do

Fun at the Wineries

I hate “I Love Lucy” but I gotta admit, this was the best scene from the entire series. And thus did female on female wrestling in vats of food begin.

Platypus Tours Limited

1015 Shetler Ave, Napa, CA 94559

The best way to get into small, underrated wineries, especially those with an invitation only policy. Totally worth it.

The best way to get into small, underrated wineries, especially those with an invitation only policy. Totally worth it.

Before/After Collar Pop

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The female champion got 22 on, but she’s making it look way too hard… still points for having a very respectable figure and good knowledge of camera angles.

Other Links

Flagrant Self Promotion

Bourgeois Boozing

Santa Rosa Wine Tasting

 

Napa Valley

Eats

Alcohol munchies make everything taste good, but Napa Valley’s restarateurs take it to a whole new level.  From world class eateries to humble burger and wine spots, this place has it all.

Taylor's Automatic Refresher

933 Main St, Saint Helena, CA 94574

I’ve asked five or six employees about the “Automatic Refresher” part of the name, and so far, no luck on a good answer. The burgers are pretty awesome and although it’s a trip to see $350 bottles of wine in a burger stand, it kind of fits with the whole theme. Opus one, bitches!

I’ve asked five or six employees about the “Automatic Refresher” part of the name, and so far, no luck on a good answer. The burgers are pretty awesome and although it’s a trip to see $350 bottles of wine in a burger stand, it kind of fits with the whole theme. Opus one, bitches!

AutoMAGIC Refresher

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Because that’s how they do.

French Laundry Restaurant

6640 Washington St, Yountville, CA 94599

Until recently ranked the top restaurant in the world, they’ve lately slipped up and are only earmarked as best in the Americas. Expect a three month wait for a reservation here at Thomas Keller’s flagship, and don’t go with finicky eaters. Lots of wild pairings here, but that’s why you’re paying $450 a head.

Until recently ranked the top restaurant in the world, they’ve lately slipped up and are only earmarked as best in the Americas. Expect a three month wait for a reservation here at Thomas Keller’s flagship, and don’t go with finicky eaters. Lots of wild pairings here, but that’s why you’re paying $450 a head.

Typical Savoir Faire at French Laundry

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I heard lots of servers deriding my gauche picture taking, but they should really refrain from shit talking until after the bill (and their gratuity) is settled. Peasants.

Bouchon Restaurant

6540 Washington St, Yountville, CA 94599

See Thomas Keller:

See Thomas Keller:

Ad Hoc

6476 Washington St, Yountville, CA 94599

See Thomas Keller redux:

See Thomas Keller redux:

The King of Napa Valley Eats

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I am the king.

Stay

As much fun as it is to drink wine and experience all of Napa Valley’s wonderful charms, it’s nice to know that you have a warm place to lay your head after the booze wears off. 

Vino Bello

865 Bordeaux Way, Napa, CA 94558

Spacious condo style suites and richly appointed Tuscan decor surrounded by picturesque vineyards in the heart of win...
Spacious condo style suites and richly appointed Tuscan decor surrounded by picturesque vineyards in the heart of wine country. Spa Terra, the worlds first underground cave spa and the estate wine cave offer a remarkable selection of American varietals. Complimentary shuttle to downtown Napa, only 5 minutes away, in room spa treatments, concierge services, and exquisitely appointed accommodations make this new resort the quintessential destination for your Napa excursion.Resort Fee: $15.00 Daily Fee that includes the following: Local and 800 Number Toll Free Calls, Daily Newspaper, Access to Credit Card Phone Numbers, Resort Business Center, In-Room High Speed Internet Access, Wireless Internet Access in All Public Areas, Secure Self Parking with In and Out Privileges, Use of Resort Fitness Facilities, Heated Outdoor Pool, Downtown Napa Shuttle, Complimentary Fax Service.The Vino Bello Resort 3rd Tower project will be underway beginning June 2008. In continuance with the final touches, the Vino Bello Resort in Napa, CA will be adding the final building to complete the project. This additional Tower will add 66 more rooms for use by all guests. During the duration of this construction, all guest facilities on-site will still be readily available for use. This project is expected to take 18 months to complete. We apologize if this causes any inconvenience as we continue to improve the product we currently offer. We appreciate your continued support and patience. Excuse our mess as we strive to deliver our best.

Farm At Carneros Inn

4048 Sonoma Hwy, Napa, CA 94559

$2000 a night, minimum. I’m not saying I wouldn’t pay for it, but there’d have to be a flagrant amount of blow and a stable of high-priced escorts to warrant such a price. Not that I’m into that sort of thing… looking behind me Baby, baby please, no, I didn’t, I didn’t mean… AIIIIEEEEE!!!!

$2000 a night, minimum. I’m not saying I wouldn’t pay for it, but there’d have to be a flagrant amount of blow and a stable of high-priced escorts to warrant such a price. Not that I’m into that sort of thing… looking behind me Baby, baby please, no, I didn’t, I didn’t mean… AIIIIEEEEE!!!!

The Farm/Sin City

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Arbor Guest House

1436 G. Street Napa, CA 94559

After much deliberation between mi corazon and our friends, we decided on this amazing B&B. It’s really homey and Beverly the innkeeper brings her Southern charm to the place. Be warned: cream sherry and boursin cheese after wine tasting is not a good thing if you’re on a diet.

Beverly and Oliver

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Like peaches and cream, you know what I mean?

Domaine Carneros

1240 Duhig Rd, Napa, CA 94559

Like Versailles in France without, you know… all of the snooty French.

Like Versailles in France without, you know… all of the snooty French.

Domaine Carneros

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Alas, it’s French owned. Goddamn Frogs.

Napa Bike Tours Inc

6488 Washington St, Yountville, CA 94599

We saw lots of people biking and although I am a little reticent to bike and drink at the same time, to my knowledge, there’s no law against it. Gotta take one for the anarcho-capitalism team.

We saw lots of people biking and although I am a little reticent to bike and drink at the same time, to my knowledge, there’s no law against it. Gotta take one for the anarcho-capitalism team.

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