When Zombies Attack: South Philadelphia

By darlingnikki | updated 9 days ago

Where to get your anti-zombie ammo and enough booze and food to get you through the attack.

Z-Day

Almost everyone who lives in Philadelphia realizes that if a plague of zombies were to descend upon the Eastern shore board, this city will most likely be ground zero. Why? Maybe the unhappy spirits of the Delaware Indians buried beneath the Wachovia Center will entice the city’s corpses into re-animation. Or maybe whatever unholy toxin resides within the Schuylkill will rise up through the soil in the cemeteries and bring the dead to life.
Either way, it is almost inevitable that one day the city will be overrun with zombies. The newly re-animated Ben Franklin and his roving band of colonials will walk the streets in their tri-cornered hats hunting for tasty brains. All told, it might not actually look any different than Old City on an average summer day. If, however, you notice that someone has started gnawing on your arm for no apparent reason, you might want to take shelter.
But before you board up your windows and doors…remember the essential ingredients to surviving a zombie attack: ammo, transportation, food, booze and shelter.

Step One: Gun Up

You have no hope of surviving a zombie attack without some serious ammo. First thing you should do is to duck into the South Philadelphia Gun Shop. Make small talk about the Phils, the Pat’s vs. Geno’s showdown and mention your Italian heritage. If you don’t have Italian heritage, invent some. This should put you in the good graces of those panicked South Philadelphians who surround you. Then they might give you guns. Make sure you grab more than one along with as many boxes of ammo as you can fit in your messenger bag. While you are there, try to pick up a sharp-shooter. Make wild promises that there will be beer, whiskey and women where you are going.

Step Three: Get Grub

Since you are already on the Italian Market, you might as well load up on pretzels from the South Philadelphia Pretzel Company. They are tasty, a good source of carbs and freeze really well. There are also many stores along the market from which you can loot canned goods, fruit and vegetables and all kinds of meat. Oh, and if you are feeling a hankering for some quality dairy products, stop off at DiBruno Bros and stock up on cheese. While there, you can score pasta and dried meats (both of which have a long shelf life).

Step Four: Score Some Booze

Waiting out a zombie plague can be very boring. Alcohol is a necessity to pass the time, and besides you already promised it to your sharp shooter. Unfortunately the PALCB makes it impossible to get a good cross selection in one place. Wine stores carry liquor but no beer and who really wants to live without beer. Your best bet is to raid a bar. I recommend Pub on Passyunk East. Grab as many Belgians as possible because they have a long shelf-life. Also, grab as much booze as will fit in the HUMV.

Step Five: Seek Refuge

Step Five: Seek Refuge.
If survival is your thing and you want to help save others as well, head for the U.S. Mint. It is well known for being an impenetrable fortress (they have to protect all of that cash).
Or just say to hell with it and stay at the POPE. The door is fairly large and heavy and empty liquor bottles make great Molotov cocktails (and we all know zombies hate fire). If you can work quickly and quietly enough that the zombies don’t hear you, you can close all the shutters, turn the TV on low and crack a Gouden Draak.