The Clueless Spy's Guide to New York City

Get yourself a fashionable trench coat in the off-season on the sale rack. The New York Look often carries some great French designers at up to 75% off. Go straight to the back of the store and don’t let the pushy salespeople get too involved.

There’s also a Moscow on the Hudson on 181st street in Washington Heights. “Sergei…Sergei, get me a salamata and some Kefir while you’re at at. Today is going to be long day. Many lamps to light before morning.”

A really “together” spy would have a watch that did at least 14 different useful things, but you can start with one that tells time accurately in more than one zone.

You’ll need sunglasses for sure. Big honking ones. Look for discount Dolce and Gabbanas, preferably with rear view capability. No one said you couldn’t be fashionable and observant. In fact, you might look entirely conspicuous as a fashion flop in this city.

Going out for a cigar, cigarette, or pipe is an excellent excuse to follow someone’s lead or even strike up conversation with a “fellow” smoker. Other than to cope with stress, why did you think so many spies were lighting up in movies?

Because even the deepest undercover Brit agent would find time in his day for tea. Just imagine yourself as a character from a John Le Carre book.

You’ll need at least three good wigs. The staff at Ricky’s is always happy to oblige, especially for paying customers.

Your foreign language skills will need to be in top form if you’re going to make it in this underworld. Schedule in 2 classes in lesser-known languages if you want to get noticed by your superiors. And no, high school French and Spanish don’t count.

The RVR. There will be a fat man at the piano, groups of comrades gathered, singing songs from the Old Country, a surly manager in a sport coat, and lean blonde cocktail waitresses. Do your best to fit in. Order the Wildberry Luksusowa up or on the rox and the Tulka sandwich Odessa style. If you see “reserved” signs up on the tables, that’s okay; you’ve just got to come in looking good or with someone good-looking on our arm. You’ll get a seat.