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Club Med for Kids: a Harrowing Review from the Early 90's
- by aubree_munar
- -
- April 06, 2009
(3)
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Do children need vacations? They will after a Club Med adventure...trust me.
No Child Left Behind?
Backpacks are heavy these days, but this Guidespotter would like to pose a question: do children really need vacations? Sure, if the vacation is one that introduces them to something culturally stimulating. Perhaps even if the vacation ties into the family’s heritage in some way. Disney world? Made for the little guys. But do children need to spend a week or more on a small island where beaches and boozing are the main event? The allure and the trouble with the Club Med vacation is that it cordons off the children from the parents. This frees the parents of their parental duties, and leaves the children in the hands of lion tamers in polo shirts. Wouldn’t a Stateside babysitter be a cheaper solution?
The French Kids Drop the "F" Bomb; You Lose
You don’t speak French. The French kids don’t speak English…yet. What English they do know is equivalent to a deadly arsenal of “time out” words. One kid, who seems to be their leader, is decked out from head to toe in Michael Jordan. You never knew the name “Michael Jordan” could sound so regal. At the mere sight of you, he unleashes a rapid firing of every swear word in existence. (Some you haven’t even heard yet.) You are dead in the water.
Welcome to Sun Poisoning
You don’t pass up a rare opportunity to take a nap on the beach. You’re due back for a dance rehearsal and juggling lesson at 4. It doesn’t take more than a few seconds for you to fall into a deep, R.E.M. sleep. The needle-fine agony of too much direct sunlight wakes you less than an hour later. Sun poisoning will buy you almost an entire evening off. Your mother will apply the aloe. You will appreciate your mother more than ever. And homework; you can’t wait to get back to four pages of long division.
Redemption: The Club Med Buffet
You come achingly close to recreating the McDonald’s cheeseburger using the ingredients provided by Club Med. The buffet is magic and you experience fleeting happiness.
A Horse Named Tom Thumb
Your favorite part of this vacation is the chance to ride a horse. The jungle trail ride is incredible. You see monkeys, birds that seem to glow in the midday dark, and waxy, magnificent flora, all from the safety of a fly-swatting steed.
Then you meet your mount for dressage class: a green gelding named Tom Thumb. This horse is about as tenable as a bag of apples and stark raving mad. A succession of failed lessons culminates into a dressage show for the entire Club Med community. Your braids itching under helmet, you embark on the routine, only for a clap of thunder to send your horse bolting for the fence. He jumps and you land in a shrub. You may now add another failure to your count. You don’t even have to look for the French kids. You know they’ve sent scouts and you know they’re all laughing.
Club Med Community
Evenings find pleasantly buzzed parents reunited with exhausted children for a large-scale gathering. A DJ is playing Hands Up: “Hands up, baby hands up; your heart gimme gimme, your heart gimme gimme,” as he leads you all through a militaristic and literal hand dance in unison. You raise your hands, place your hands on your heart, beckon, and link arms with someone else’s dad, all as the tempo increases. Lighthearted fun turns to another activity that winds you.
Put the Little Creeps to Work
The main philosophy behind the Club Med family vacation (at least on the island of Saint Lucia) seems to be “keep the kiddies busy, keep their parents sipping”. From sun up to sundown, you are enrolled in activities geared toward exposing your adolescent failings and inferiority because you aren’t, well…French. Since most of the families are from France, you will experience the rigor and resentment of being an American child on vacation. Get to work!
Virgin Pina Coladas
You learn to drown your sorrows in virgin pina coladas. You know exactly how many beads a v.p.c. will run you and exactly how many you can drink before you get a stomach ache.
How many?
Three and a half.
Gremlins Deux
You will sweat through viewings of several videos of questionable quality to begin with, not to mention that they are in a foreign language. This might include the sequel to “The Gremlins”, dubbed over in French. You don’t understand a word, and the actors and puppets look like old Kung Fu characters. This makes the French kids laugh. Somewhere, your parents are sipping a mai tai.
You are Fat Slub?
There is a girl about your age named Jordan. This slays the French boys because she is nothing like Michael Jordan. No skills. No grace. No virtues whatsoever. She is from Chicago and she and her parents are round. She’s all of eleven and has a trucker gut in her Pepto Bismol pink bathing suit. She has a strip of zinc to match down the length of her nose. She is hated by most of the other children because her canon balls in the pool leave no toweled youths dry and no sleeping youths sleeping. Because you speak English, Jordan has made you her best friend. Jordan owns your ear. It is mostly because of Jordan that you decide you will study French in the seventh grade.
Fishnets for Adolescents
You aren’t like Jordan. You aren’t a fat American slob. But as part of your unspoken Club Med contract, you are required to perform in a bizarre variety show, dancing and singing to a medley of French and English pop songs. The fishnet stockings, leotard, and tuxedo jacket you’re made to wear are making you aware of the curves you never knew you had, and plenty aware of the ones you don’t. You don’t remember the choreography you’ve been “taught” over the course of a week. Much of the songs are in English but the instruction was not. Learn to embrace your shame. Think of the virgin pina colada you’ll have later.
Hooray for Braids and Beads!
As recognizable as gang colors, braids and beads are a symbol of status during Monday morning math class. Braids and beads (and maybe freckles, too) mean your dad got a Christmas bonus and you reaped the benefits. Braids and beads mean that you will have a perm for about four days after you take them out. Braids and beads mean you might get pushed a little harder on the playground. If only they knew how high the price of this initiation really was…
Let the sun set on this vacation idea. Your children will thank you later.
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Laurel Canyon on the beach.
.jpg "aliciak")
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I never got to go! I also only went to Disney World when I was 18, but it was sort of worth waiting for.
.jpg "Elissa")
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yeah! i remember my cousin went on of these, and got a little beaded braid done by some guy on the beach, and then her HAIR FELL OUT when she got home. traumatic.it’s all fun in the sun until someone gets a bald spot.
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