Your Most Frivolous Time Machine Uses

Bitch Slap Ayn Rand

I’d leap from behind a corner and dole out the hot five directly across her right cheek. While she was on the ground I’d bend down and yell “That’s for Atlas Shrugged — and ruining eighth grade for me!”

Get In On (and/or start) The Zombie Apocalypse

Given the high probability of a zombie outbreak at some point in future human history, I’d jump forward and seek it out. Sure, with my God-like power over time I could easily prevent the outbreak, but I’ll handle that after I blast apart some undead motherfuckers.

What if I’m unable to find zombies anywhere in the future? No problem; I’ll just get the infection rolling, wipe the ground up with them until it’s no longer fun (could be a few years), then go back and make sure it never happened in the first place. It’s so simple — what could possibly go wrong?

Make Out With Myself

I’m sure I wouldn’t like it or anything, but, well, I JUST HAVE TO KNOW.

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Get In On This YouTube Thing

I’d travel all the way back to 2004, when a little know video sharing website was just starting out and post my hilarious comedy sketches all over that thing. Then I’d already have a book deal…

Dispose of Fidel Castro

Three reasons this would be awesome:
1. Be the ruler of a tropical island.
2. Free health insurance.
3. I’d be forever known as “The guy that defeated Castro”. National holiday and anthem soon to follow.

I'd Get Rich

I’d go back in time about 10 years or so and “invent” the iPod or the Snuggie.

Make Noah Turn the Ark Around!

Really Noah? You’re going to “forget” the most awesomely magical creature ever? Thanks to you this gift from nature drowned! THEY DROWNED NOAH! How do you live with yourself?

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Screw With Creationists

Going back to the time of dinosaurs, I’d plant just enough modern remnants to give those wacky creationist bastards some false hope, ensuring that they still have their museums for me to laugh at. I might also hop over to biblical times and befriend Mary and Joseph long enough to encourage them to name their unborn son something super rad like “Cobra” or “Nitro.”

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Have Cameos in Historical Photos

With a little bit of research, luck, and good timing, I’m pretty sure I can weasel my way into most of the significant photographs of the last 100 years, solidifying my place as the biggest attention whore of all time (next to Paris Hilton of course).

Chillin' w/Gandhi, circa 1946

Put My Life Savings Down on the 2004 Boston Red Sox

Also, while I’m hanging out mid-decade, I’d put everything I own down on the 2004 Boston Red Sox to win it all in the ALCS and World Series. Man, who could’ve seen that coming?

Steal A Hemingway Manuscript

C’mon – the guy drank and shot all his money away! I could at least buy myself a gold-plated house with all the sales I’d make off of For Whom The Bell Tolls.

Hoverboards! Where you at?!

According to the ever accurate Back to the Future series, Hoverboards were supposed to drop by 2015. I’ve been waiting patiently for 20 years and my patience is almost used up. So I would head six years into the future, grab a hoverboard, come back to 2009 and TEAR IT UP on the pro-skate circuit!

Go on an Excellent Adventure

Circa Bay to Breakers 2006