Youth Pageantry: Or How To Screw Up Your Child For Life

Eyebrows Up!

Swan’s “facial expression coach” teaches her the importance of keeping her eyebrows up while she grins almost painfully through her eveningwear walk, (which, by the way, is set to Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”) In his off-side confessional, he also shares the stresses of being a pageant coach, especially when moms bring all of these “ugly children” to be trained. “Contour, contour, contour!” he whines with the flip of a hand.

Baby Air Brushing

Tired of your baby’s bald head, haphazard teething pattern, and huge pores? Well, just bring her photo to this photo retouch service, and you’ll be able to forget all of those beauty travesties.

Photo airbrushing is as much a part of pageantry as hairspray. Most of these girls’ parents shell out big bucks to make perfect portfolios.

Ortho "Flippers"

Screw the Tooth Fairy! Instead of trading milk teeth for quarters, young pageant contestants hope to find pricy pedodontal “flippers” under their pillows. Don’t be fooled; this is just a fancy name for kiddie dentures.

Width Of Dresses Must Exceed Height Of Participant

Talent Portion

My favorite part of child pageant talent bits is watching the audience moms mouthing the words and marking the dance moves with tears in their eyes. As a general rule of thumb, the moms seem to be the ones who really contain all of the stress and excitement, while their pint-sized counterparts are busy twirling around in their tulle skirts and seeing who can stuff the most rice krispy treats in their mouths by the refreshment table. Though it seems that the little tykes have no idea how their routines are perceived, it’s still pretty disturbing to watch their grown-up, over-sexed, teacher’s-pet-esque song and dance combos. I think at that age, I was lucky if I could pull off a magic trick, much less memorize a fire baton routine to “Pour Some Sugar On Me.”

Prizes

Some of these little tykes can win thousands of dollars, but most of the time, they don’t even cover the costs the contestants have accrued.

Swan Brooner

Leslie Butler, Age 7

At this rate, Leslie, (another contestant from “Living Dolls”), should start getting crow’s feet next year, followed by menopause at age 9.

This little girl apparently won some nationwide Little Miss photo competition with his shot. Hopefully she donated part of the prize money to whoever owned the eyes, mouth and zebra hat pictured above.

Come on, everyone wants to look like a piece of plastic!

Little Miss Sunshine - Fact Or Fiction?

While many critiqued the 2006 blockbuster to be sachrine and overdone, the depiction of youth pageantry in Little Miss Sunshine was no joke. The competition is just as fierce, the fake-bake hosts are just as creepy, and the venues are truly conference rooms with rows of folding chairs. There is a great scene in Living Dolls during which the girls are actually coached to bat their eyes at the announcer as he sings to them.

Infant Queens

The Only Thing Worse Than Little Girls In Pageants...