Categories: Humor; Local & Entertainment

The U.S. Government's Guide To A Fun, Affordable Weekend In New York City

By mattfriedinNY
updated about 1 month ago

The government wants you - the American people - to know that even though all the news networks say that a "scary Second Great Depression" is on the horizon, that's just a load of propaganda. Sure, our economy isn't in the best shape it could be in, but Washington wants to assure you that we are far from, I don't know, selling child labor on the Chinese black market. Anyway, what's really going on with the economy? Why, Change, my friend; beautiful Change that will eventually lead to a better America. Congress is officially dubbing our new financial status "Freedom Time", as in freedom from any hindrance that would hurt the U.S. Hindrances like worry, dismay, and skepticism towards The White House. The other good news, Freedom Time has led to more money being made by the Fed which means that everything is going to be MORE AFFORDABLE!

New York City?!? Ya don't say!

Looking for a fun place to take the family? How about somewhere with your sweetheart? There isn’t any other place the government can think of that would be better than New York City! Did you know they make movies and television there? What about the history? There’s tons of it in New York! And, let’s not foget things like the food, the theater, and the extinction of the homeless. New York City – quite the place to get away to over the weekend. What’s that you say? “We’ve always wanted to, but it’s too expensive?” Oh, silly citizens, thanks to Freedom Time, now you can! All of the extra money now produced in the U.S., plus the unexplainable spike in national unemployment, means that everything is within a person’s budget! Price-cutting is the duty of every responsible, patriotic business owner.

Pod Hotel the

230 E 51st St, New York, NY 10022

God bless American ingenuity. The Pod Hotel is “very hip” and very affordable. The hotel’s room are actually efficient, pod-like residences that you and the entire family can fit into. Oooh, look we’re in the future! Where no one worries about money, because everything’s great! And you share one big bed with your entire family; just like in the movies!

The Best Places To Keep Your Cash

Let’s face it, folks: you can’t trust the banks to hold onto your cash for you, they’ll lose every bit of it. New York City maybe a lot of fun, but not Anytown U.S.A. either. When you’re getting ready to put your funds together, make sure you’ve been keeping your money in any government-approved “holding facility”. Once again, because we are living in Freedom Time, these facilities give you the freedom to have direct access to your funds. Keep your savings in some of our more popular facilities:

Under a mattress
In your sock drawer
Under a rug or welcome mat
Inside of a sofa or love seat
Taped to the back of your television
Hidden in your closet, next to your shoes
Inside of a lamp
In a kitchen drawer
Under the kitchen sink
Taped to your upper torso at all times

Just remember if you use any of our state-of-the-art holding facilities, it’s not our fault your money’s missing.

Tokio 7

64 East 7th Street New York, NY 10003

Everybody loves a great deal at a New York boutique. Well citizens, you can’t go wrong with being “hipster” and getting a great deal at a thrift shop! Spend to your heart’s content! And then, bring your new threads home to show-off to your friends. You’ll be the biggest hit on the town bulletin board!

Super Taste

26 Eldridge Street New York, NY 10002

One thing they lived off of during the Depression was soup and bread. While you’re in Chinatown, you can pretend that the economy is in shambles, too! Just stop by Super Taste for great noodle soup at prices that’ll make your jaw drop. Soak up the experience. Who knows? Maybe you’d be happier living this way for a while.

Street Performers - The Real NY Theater

Unfortunately, we here at the government can’t guarantee any affordable discounts to a Broadway show. Mostly because greedy producers don’t want to make theater affordable to everyone. Therefore, all Broadway theater is unpatriotic. But I digress. If you can’t roll out the dough to go see something evil – like WICKED – you can always take to the streets. Street performers have been the life blood of New York since the city was established. Why spend tons of money when you can see a better show for cheaper, or free! So, remember to look out your hotel window and see what’s happening. The more you entertain yourself, the sounder the government will sleep.

Evaluating Your Freedom Time

You’re probably thinking at this point “Gee, U.S. government this all sound pretty swell! I’m ready to go on a fun trip and spend at my own discretion, but how will I know I’m making the most of my Freedom Time?” We’re glad you asked. Some people may say that time is what you make of it. Those people are usually communists and frauds. Actually, there is a clear-cut way to maximize the best of your Freedom Time, and make sure that you have no regrets or blame to pass around. Take a look at our checklist; are you having fun?

Thank goodness for this helpful guide. It’s sage advice know exactly how to solve my woes!
I’ve learned to stop complaining and go with the flow. Everything is better that way.
This weekend was great, U.S. government. You guys are the best friend I can rely on.
Whip-whop-woopetty-woo!
And to think, I didn’t even know I could have this much fun!
Do you hear that? It’s like pennies from heaven!
Well, I guess you can’t take it with you – your bad attitude that is!