Categories: Humor; Dating & Relationships

Catch a Cougar in New York City

By Chelsea
updated 3 months ago

Obviously, I don't mean the wild animal. But if I did, man that would be crazy. People running around with a net and some cougar bate.....ah, but I digress. I'm talking about the cougar of the female variety. That's right, those sexy, confident, sometimes vamp-y older women who....drumroll.....snag all the younger men. A cougar is a woman on the hunt. A woman at her sexual peak. A woman who is proud of her age and ready to flaunt what she's got. She is ready to sink her teeth into a nice chunk of Hunk, perhaps? Just remember, you may think you've caught HER, but her moves were calculated and she was already ready to pounce. In true cougar prowess; go for the kill.

Cougars like to.......

GO OUT. PARTY. HIT THE TOWN. AND DANCE AROUND!

Cougars are huntresses and when hunting you must find quality hunting grounds. What better place to catch prey than in a bar where the “prey” may be slightly inebriated therefore less likely to flee with speed and agility. Cougars are looking for a place where they feel comfortable letting their hair down (hence the cocktails and “Liquid courage”) they want to be in a room full of options, the more meat the better.

If you’re looking to bag a cougar you’re going to have to swim amongst the cougar bait. Flex those muscles, show them your young and supple skin and one is sure to leap. If you can handle it.

Madame X

94 W Houston Street, New York, NY 10012

Cougars are all about atmosphere. Swanky, dimly lit (better to hide wrinkles that way) luxurious, cozy spots that are easy to cozy up in. Madame X screams all things SENSUAL, when that is EXACTLY what the cougars are aiming for. Velvet and deep reds, plus cocktails with tantalizing names like; Indecent Proposal, Pussy Galore and Cherry Pop. How do you manage to stay away from flirtatious conversation when you’re odering someone a Cherry Pop???

How to spot your cougar:

Cleavage. Usually the cleavage is longer. Long and DEEP.
Any signs of plastic surgery, i.e. breast enhancements or collagen are a good sign.
Rhinestone heels. Or sandals, usually accompanied by an ankle bracelet or toe ring.
French manicure- longer nails, all the better for clawing.
HIGHLIGHTS, the coug’s are all about the carmel/blonde streaks
Girlfriends. Yes, ALL women travel in packs (especially to the bathroom) but cougars almost always have an accomplice.
One piece of clothing or jewelry that is slightly, out of date: jean jacket, lycra of any kind, anything BEDAZZLED- like the pockets on jeans, some type of rose/butterfly tat, belts with HUGE bejeweled belt buckles, kitten heels from Fredericks.
Fake and bake tan.
Hotel bars. Cougars are into men who are traveling. Hence, no need for serious commitment.

Ava Lounge

210 W 55th Street, New York, NY 10019

Anywhere that has “lounge” in the title is a good cougar meeting place. Ava lounge is swanky and chic, in that laid back but still “dressed up” kind of way. The music keeps a good vibe for keeping it young. And for women to shake a bit of ass.

Katra Bar & Lounge

217 Bowery, New York, NY 10002

Moroccan themed LOUNGES are the perfect mix of sensuality and mystiiiiic that cougars LOVE. The music is sexy, the spices are exotic…the cushion are perfect for sprawling out and displaying your “goods.”

Stone Rose

10 Columbus Cir Ste 5 Rest, New York, NY 10019

Instead of attempting to entice the cougar with a buffalo chicken spring roll (even though they ARE delicious) you’re better off bating with the cheesecake lollipops.

Dont Tell Mama

343 W 46th St, New York, NY 10036

Cougars are into piano bars. Its the perfect place for them to get up and do an impromptu DANCE. You know the kind, where the woman stands up (drink in hand optional) and starts SWAYING back and forth….until someone comes and swoops her up.

Geisha

33 East 61st Street, New York, NY 10021

Cougars are into feeding their prey. It’s part of their trickery in reeling them in. What better thing way, than to pick up finger food (i.e. sushi) and place it nicely on your lovers tongue. Apparently the drunk from sake is a great buzz also, have a couple glasses and your cougar should be hot and ready to roll. Sushi rolllllll.