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Booze, Boobs, and Baudelerie in New York
- by matt_fried
- -
- September 27, 2008
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Every New Yorker is addicted to something. My old adage is that it's usually either sex, drugs, or coffee... or in some cases, all three. There's a bit more to go with that, but apparently The Man (read: AlexF) wants us all to keep it PG-13. Suffice to say, we all want to pretend that we are way more in control of our life in this city than anyone else. But here's the sad truth: we're all human. I'm sorry, Virginia, but you're just as much of a psycho as the guy across from you on the E train. Sure, you can claim that you're invincible; nothing bends your will. But throw in a hard day, mounting stress, another losing season for the Knicks, and we all break down. What then? We take solace in the one thing that'll soothe the pain. And not soon enough, if you ask me.
Sex Addiction
Nothing like a night at home alone. Completely alone, right? We all like to get kinky once in a while, and then there’s some of us who need it bad… like every minute. Anyway, I’m in no position to judge, nor do I have time to go trolling the internet anymore, looking for any “free preview” pages (ah, college). For some New Yorkers, a life in between the sheets is the ultimate high. It also means that somebody is thinking about jumping your bones in a broken elevator. Before you raise any eyebrows, please note I didn’t say “your office crush”… ugh, I just grossed myself out.
Fantasy World Inc
192 7th Ave, New York, NY 10011
Whips. Gags. Lingerie. And Porn. Porn. Porn. Everything a sex addict needs for the best weekend of his life.
Whips. Gags. Lingerie. And Porn. Porn. Porn. Everything a sex addict needs for the best weekend of his life.
Alcoholism
Oh, so you’re a traditionalist, I see. Dylan Thomas and F. Scott Fitzgerald were both great writers. They were also a pair of raging drunks. Sure, maybe it’s cute when you’re nineteen, and glamorous when you twenty-two, but suddenly you’re thirty-five, and SUDDENLY you got a debilitating problem. Whatever. Actually, I’ve known quite a few folks with this same problem. It’s never easy to deal with. And it doesn’t help that your brother owns an Irish pub, either.
The House of Brews
363 W 46th St, New York, NY 10036
80 different beers available, half on draft, half on tap. Away from the glitz of Times Square and among many fellow city dwellers. Bring on the drunks!
80 different beers available, half on draft, half on tap. Away from the glitz of Times Square and among many fellow city dwellers. Bring on the drunks!
Signs of Addiction
- Loss of money
- Loss of self-worth
- Loss of a sense of time and space
- Suddenly hanging out with David Duchovney
- Dehydration
- Malnutrition
- Obsession
- Resentful of Keith Richards
- Rebound marriage to Carmen Electra
- Wake up to find yourself the subject of a reality TV show
Dave and Busters
234 W 42nd St, New York, NY 10036
Nothing like a video game addiction to kill the prospect of ever having a girlfriend. Or human contact, for that matter. I can’t think of a better place to destroy your savings (and you retinas) than at good ol’ Dave and Busters – the video arcade for the incredibly sad.
Nothing like a video game addiction to kill the prospect of ever having a girlfriend. Or human contact, for that matter. I can’t think of a better place to destroy your savings (and you retinas) than at good ol’ Dave and Busters – the video arcade for the incredibly sad.
Chocoholism
An unfortunate disease that seems extremely prevalent in women and fat German children granted access to exclusive access to candy factories. Leave it to chocolate to destroy relationships and be the punchline of hundreds of Cathy comics. I’ve been in situations with the afflicted when it’s been either me, or the chocolate. Let me say right now: there is nothing more demoralizing that being rejected for a box of Mallomars. Especially when she was the last good thing you had going for you…
Max Brenner New York
841 Broadway, New York, NY 10003
Max Brenner, home to everything that is chocolate. Why don’t you just take your addict and lock him in a isolated room with the product?
Max Brenner, home to everything that is chocolate. Why don’t you just take your addict and lock him in a isolated room with the product?
A Man's Addict, William S. Burroughs
You always did make it look so easy, Bull Lee.
Shopaholism
Otherwise known as “The Carrie Bradshaw Syndrome”. The inexplicable need to surrender all will, and reason, and credit card information in the name of self-dignity. It’s a hard one to try to fathom, but it hits hundreds of families all over this great city. In the days of a major crisis, one has to wonder what this means for such junkies? Perhaps the streets of Chelsea will be lined with homeless shopaholics; hoarding outside of fabric stores, clutching long expired credit cards.
Century 21 Dept Stores
22 Cortlandt St Frnt A, New York, NY 10007
Shop ‘til you drop, and then shop after death as well. It’s a very intense cycle, I can’t emphasize that enough.
Shop ‘til you drop, and then shop after death as well. It’s a very intense cycle, I can’t emphasize that enough.
Parallax Addiction Treatment Center
145 E 32nd St Fl 6, New York, NY 10016
So, at some point, we all eventually have to go seek out some form of help, right? I mean, c’mon, rehab is supposed to be fashionable these days. Yeah, yeah – I know, I’m a buzzkill. But it’s either liberty or death in this situation, and you have to eventually figure… oh, you choose death. Alright then, suit yourself. Pathetic jerk.
So, at some point, we all eventually have to go seek out some form of help, right? I mean, c’mon, rehab is supposed to be fashionable these days. Yeah, yeah – I know, I’m a buzzkill. But it’s either liberty or death in this situation, and you have to eventually figure… oh, you choose death. Alright then, suit yourself. Pathetic jerk.
Duane Reade Drugs
50 Bowery, New York, NY 10013
Stock up on your prescriptions – no painkillers!
Stock up on your prescriptions – no painkillers!
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I refer to House of Brews as “Hob”; …a bartender there keeps all of my dirty secrets. Good jukebox. Dave and Busters…hell on earth. Or “To Build a Fire…With All of Your Money”.
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Thanks for the shout out below? Hahahaha. I did it first!
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