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Celebrity Douchebag Olympics
- by elguapo
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- February 23, 2009
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It's a DoucheOff... In 2008 there was plenty of douchebaggery among our celebrity heroes. But who was the douchiest of them all? Below are eight celebrity DouchOffs all battling for the crown of 2008's biggest douchebag. Who is your favorite Douchebag? Perhaps you are a fan of Mega-Douchebags like Rod Blagojevich and Bernie Madoff. Or perhaps you will cast your vote for perennial celebrity douchbags like Matthew Mcconaughey or Bono (winner of the 2007 Lifetime Douchebag achievement award) And of course, don't forget about up and coming douchebags like Criss Angel and Guy Fieri. Yes, there certainly were plenty to choose from. ***CAST YOUR VOTE BY ADDING A COMMENT WITH THE NAME OF YOUR FAVORITE DOUCHEY-DOUCHE OF 2008***
Madonna VERSUS
Category: Tabloid Trash
Why She’s Douchy:
(1) smug, holier-than-thou, almost Bono-esque attitude
(2) Treats adoption of Malawi children as a frivolous hobby (see #1 above)
(3) Goes by a single name.
Bill O'reilly VERSUS
Category: I can’t believe this Douchebag has his own TV show
Why He’s a Douchebag
(1) He’s a meany jerkface
(2) Meany Jerkface, the Re-mix
(3) He’s a bully who yells at everyone including children, the handicapped, and baby seals
ShamWOW Guy VERSUS
Category: Guy with Douchey Blond hair
Why He’s a Douchebag:
(1) Fauxhawk wreaks of pure douche.
(2) Now I’m not a judger…but he looks like the love child of William Defoe and a gremlin
(3) His brilliant salesmanship convinced me to waste $39.98 on not one but two sets of Germany’s greatest export
Shirtless Matthew Mcconaughey VERSUS
Category: Matthew Mcconaughey
Why he’s a Douchebag:
(1) On his official Website, JK Living it says “enter easy or enter real easy”
(2) Does this guy EVER wear a shirt?
(3) He planted the placenta of his new-born son into an orchard presumably to grow a placenta tree?
Frank Caliendo VERSUS
Category: People I’m scared of
Why He’s a Douchebag:
(1) His commercials air 24-7 yet I don’t know anyone who has ever seen his show.
(2) He’s not “very funny”
(3) He can’t do a Candyman impression
Guy who parked Beemer SUV in three handicapped spots VERSUS
Category: I don’t give a shit about you or anyone else
Why He’s a Douchebag
(1) Um…three handicapped spots. One BMW.
(2) Personalized license plate reads: “3XWYVS”
(3) Probably wears TEAL polo Shirts
Bernie Madoff VERSUS
Category: Rich Douchebag
Why he’s a douchebag
(1) Through one of the biggest Ponzi Schemes ever, Managed to steal billions of dollars from charities
(2) He gets to hang out in his multi-million dollar condo while on bail before his trial
(3) I’m pretty sure he wears his socks backwards like a wizard.
The Mindfreak, Criss Angel VERSUS
Category: Magical Douchebags
Why he’s a douchebag
(1) Douchey name spelling: Spells his name Criss with no “H” and two "S"s
(2) He beat out David Blane in ABC’s 2007 Special Magical DoucheOFF
(3) He’s not GOB
El Guapo's Picks
Madonna v. Arod: Winner Arod
Bill O’Reilly v. Lou Dobbs: Winner O’Reilly
ShamWow Guy v. Guy Fieri: Winner Guy Fieri
Matthew Mcconaughey v. Matthew Mcconaughey: Winner Matthew Mcconaughey
Frank Caliendo v. Candyman: Winner Caliendo
Beemer Guy v. Blago: Winner — Trick Question. It was Blago’s Beemer.
Bernie Madoff v. Trump Winner Madoff in a landslide
Criss Angel v. The Planet Bono: Winner — a valient effort by the newcomber but Bono still rules supreme.
BIGGEST DOUCHEBAG of 2008: Bernie Madoff
Arod
Category: Tabloid Trash
Why He’s Douchy:
(1) $28 Mil/year and can’t hit for shit in playoffs
(2) Steroids.
(3) Blond highlights.
Lou Dobbs
Category: I can’t believe this Douchebag has his own TV show
Why He’s a Douchebag:
Unabashed hatred of my Mexican compadres, not to mention the cotton-pickin’ negros
Guy Fieri
Category: Guy with Douchey Blond hair
Why he’s a Douchebag:
(1) Has the same haircut as my cousin in 8th grade
(2) If I see one more TGI Fridays commercial…
(3) Could you please spare us with the friggen bowling shirts?
Mustachioed Matthew Mcconaughey
Category: Matthew Mcconaughey
Why he’s a Douchebag:
(1) He has a mustache and he is NOT any of the following:
CandyMan
Category: People I’m scared of
Why He’s a Douchebag:
(1) Gave me nightmares from the age of 8-14
(2) Still wont say Candyman in front of the mirror three times
(3) He had bees come out of this mouth
Rod Blagojevich
Category: I don’t give a shit about you or anyone else
Why he’s a Douchebag:
(1) Attempted to sell Barack Obama’s vacated United States Senate seat to the highest bidder.
(2) Dude has more Chutzpa than Donald Trump on Testosterone pills
(3) He wears a TEAL shirt to a St. Patty’s Day Parade. WTF? The color is GREEN, douchebag.
The Donald
Category: Rich Douchebag
Why he’s a douchebag
(1) Can’t you put a building up anywhere in the world without having your fuckin name on it?
(2) Places an article in front of his name a la institute of higher douchery “THE Ohio state University”
(3) Douche haircut. Goes without saying.
The Planet BONO
Category: Magical Douchebags
Why he’s a douchebag:
(1) Honestly, who goes by one name? Even Criss over here goes by a last name…
(2) Spotting him without sunglasses on is like spotting Sasquatch, a UFO or Matthew Mcconaughey with a shirt on.
(3) Claims to be from Ireland, but pretty sure he hails from Planet Pretentiousness
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Very thorough! I laughed boisterously about your argument against the Food Network-bowling-shirt-spikey-doo dude, especially the haircut dig. Hate him.
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Wait wait wait!! What about Kanye West??? He is the greatest douchebag of the entire universe!!!!
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Candyman is so gonna fuckin kill you for that.
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