Best NYC Spots to Pop in and Use the Loo

If you’re in the Lincoln Center area and don’t feel like stumbling into a restaurant and begging for mercy, I suggest a pleasant glide up the escalators at Barnes and Noble. They’ve got a few options from the second floor to the top, cafe level, but the cleanest are those in the Children’s Book section. Not accompanying a minor? No problem, unless you’re a bearded man in a trench coat. Pick up “Good Night Moon” and thumb through a few pages (it’s for your nephew) and then roll into the rest room all subtle-like. If you must, use the rest rooms for grown-ups, just avoid the top-floor toilets; you’ll find they get much less attention and only have one stall to offer for all the magazine readers who bide their time up there.

Sometimes to avoid Broadway traffic madness I just cut through The Shops at Columbus Circle and make a pit stop at Godiva. Never, ever has a public facility been more helpful than these at The Shops. Upstairs to the left and right (I prefer the ones to the right because fewer people seem to us them), these bathrooms are absolutely pristine. You could eat off of the floors (but don’t) and they’ve got automatic flushers that seem to be a bit more advanced than those in most airports. The Borders in the Shops also has rest rooms, but the Shop’s facilities are far nicer. These come highly recommended by yours truly.

This is bathroom “borrowing” with an ulterior motive. Even if you’re not a guest of the trendy Hudson hotel in Midtown, (yes, only a stone’s throw away from the Shops at Columbus Circle), or even looking for a million dollar drink in the Library Bar, you can strut with purpose into their lovely bathrooms and possibly spy some celebrities on the way. Now, yours truly isn’t all that into celebrity stalking, but these are the loos to use if you are. I’ve heard tell that Brittany Spears in better times, actually vomited all over herself in one of the hotel’s bars.  Just think – you could’ve been a witness ;) But seriously, if we’re talking about options in the Columbus Circle area, using these rest rooms is a truly Zen-like experience. You’ll only get a suspicious glance if you’re not dressed like a Hudson guest.

Just up the escalator one flight and to the right. In this block of the Upper West Side, it can be difficult to find a public rest room, and one that’s actually in decent shape.  This one can be hit-or-miss, but is generally pretty clean and you get the feeling that not many people actually use it.  If you’re one who’s tempted by flat screen TVs or gadgetry, be forewarned, you will not be able to avoid subjecting yourself to a virtual wonderland on your journey to and from the loo here at Circuit City.  But hopefully the line at the register will be enough to sufficiently deter you.

What?! Yeah. What?! Yeah. In this midtown hotel, you can not only slip in very discreetly to use their toilet, you can also help yourself to a FREE cup of coffee on the way out. (Conscience allowing). This hotel staff is too busy dealing with its actual guests making their entrances and exits to note that you aren’t one. The coffee is only so-so and you’ve got to use those little individual creamers, which take a bit of time to open and stir in if you use as many as I do, but it’s all free so why whine? Shout out to Dagmar, who introduced me to this little too-good-to-keep City secret.

Ahh, majestic, historic, Grand Central Station. It’s a New York City landmark that you should at least glimpse once in your life. And if it be on a mad dash to the ladie’s or gent’s, well, at least you can say you’ve seen it.  You’ll want to ignore the gorgeous main concourse ceiling until you’re feeling completely unencumbered. So make for the first downward flight of stairs that you see and follow the signs in either direction. For public transit rest rooms, these are really some of the best-kempt in the City. 

If you’re “all the way” Downtown checking out Century 21 or the Bull on Broadway and you need a toilet in the ASAP time frame, dash into Borders on Broadway just north of Wall Street.  You will have to go up, up and to the back of the store, but once you’re there you will appreciate that these are pretty well-maintained facilities and that you can finally breathe. This particular Borders has an excellent selection of British television series that I personally like to peruse on my way back from using the loo. They are also home to many of the best guest authors in the City if you’ve got un poco del tiempo to kill.

Do Not Use that Bathroom, I Implore You

The Public Facilities in Central Park – I can excuse the lack of paper towels; I’m not too proud to air dry my digits, but I don’t think I’ve ever had the pleasure of using soap at a Central Park rest room.

The Toilets at Penn Station – Line up like a string of cattle and prepare yourself for this florescent paradise. It ain’t pretty.

The Facilities at Port Authority – I’m not sure what folks are doing in those rest rooms, but I’ve closed the book on that investigation. Suffice in to say this should not be an option, even in your most desperate hour. Get thee to the nearest corporate coffee house.

MacDonald’s throughout the City – I’ve been asked to make a purchase to use these less-than-appetizing johns, even in the wee hours of the morning. I would even go so far as to say that these guys are borderline militant about their “rest rooms are for customers only” rule.

John’s Pizzeria, Times Square – This place is packed, so don’t bother trying to squeeze through the hundreds of poor saps waiting for a table in the lobby just to wait in line again for the loo. Stop in for a pizza after your Broadway show, not during intermission.

Toys “R” Us – Oh Lordy, Lordy, do NOT go in there unless you want to feel like Charlie in an endless glass elevator ride up to the loo. Once you do finally arrive, it’s like a diaper-changing triage, and unless you’re part of the madness, it’s not so much fun.

“Oh, look, Honey, there’s a bar!” Unless it’s a well-lit bar whose signature drink comes in a Martini glass, I would avoid this kind of risk-taking unless you’re in real emergency mode.