Guide to being a Gold Digger

by JessicaJoy - October 31, 2008

Rate Guide (4)

3 discussions

My Halloween costume this year inspired this guide. So what do you do when you want money but don't have any? The answer is so obvious... You find a rich boy. Bedazzle him with your *ahem* personality, and then when he's hooked, use him for ALL he's worth. Disclaimer: I'm not actually a gold digger so men, please don't be afraid of me! I don't even LIKE money. (cough)

Where to find fat wallets

First and foremost, you are looking for a guy with dollars, not a guy with a personality. Please do not get the two confused. Second, if a rich guy is hot then he is most likely not available so you can go ahead and rule out looks too.

Look for a man that is showy about his moolah. They are the best targets.

Add Comment

Ritz Carlton Hotel Chicago

160 East Pearson Street, Chicago, IL 60611-0124

Wait a few minutes before you order a drink… hopefully someone rich will come along and buy one for you.

Add Comment

FOUR SEASONS CHICAGO

120 E. Delaware Place, Chicago, IL 60611

I hear that the Four Seasons staff comes around and sprays you with mist as you lay by the pool.

Add Comment

Orange County

As one of the wealthiest counties in the country, Orange County is the perfect place to score a man to use and abuse. And have no shame, it happens all the time. Remember Julie Cooper from the Fox hit TV series, The OC? She divorced her husband when he went broke, and married the richest man in town. Okay, I realize that she was a fictional character, but watch one episode of The Real Housewive of Orange County and you will see real-life Julie Coopers flamboyantly publicizing their gold digger ways.

Add Comment

The older the better

If they are rich AND old, then it is much more likely that they will die within a reasonable amount of time and you won’t have to go through a messy divorce. Just make sure he changes his will immediately after you’re married. You wouldn’t want any of his money to go to his kids, right? They are spoiled brats anyway.

Add Comment

Oh, and pose for Playboy first... it helps

Yes, I’m talking about Anna Nicole Smith. She was Playmate of the Year in 1993, divorced her first husband, and married billionaire J. Howard Marshall the very next year. He was 89 at the time. But I don’t think she married him for his money… I think she really liked him. After all, she was clearly devastated when he died a year later. Inheriting his fortune just helped her get over the tragedy a little bit faster.

Add Comment

Other famous gold diggers you can get pointers from:

Heather Mills – Married Paul McCartney in 2002, separated four years later, and divorced two years after that 24.3 pounds richer. (approximately 50 million dollars)
Rachel Hunter – Made an estimated $66 million from marrying and divorcing Rod Stuart. (She even signed a pre-nup.) Oh, and she also posed for Playboy.
Kevin Federline – Who said gold diggers have to be female? He left his girlfriend and two young children to date Britney Spears, whom he married 3 months later. He may not have been out for gold, but he was definately craving some media spotlight.

Add Comment

Once he falls in love/lust with you...

1. Spend, spend, spend! (His money, of course.) As long as you’re not married, consider everything you buy as a “gift.”
2. Get engaged as soon as possible.
3. Do NOT sign a pre-nup. If he tries to make you, seduce him so he forgets about it. Or drug him. Drastic times call for drastic measures.
4. Have a huge, amazing, EXPENSIVE wedding. Try to fool everyone into thinking that you’re really in love. Or elope. (Quick and less painful, like ripping off a bandaid.)
5. Go on a fabulously luxurious honeymoon. When your man is not looking, flirt with every cute rich guy you see. It is never too early to scout out back-ups.

Add Comment

Guides We Think You'll Like

Discussions

: by noordinaryrollercoaster 11/12/2008 Reply

When seeking your Gold-provider (?), you mustn’t fear those involved in illegal activity. They are often looking for lovely young pieces in which to offload large amounts of cash.

: by aliciak 11/02/2008 Reply

Bookmarking for life. :)

: by ElGuapo 10/31/2008 Reply

To find rich dudes looking for gold diggers and/or cougers, El Guapo suggests you visit the Quiet Woman in Newport Beach. Also try the Landmark, 333 Waterfront or Villa Nova on Thursdays…

All Discussions (3)

About The Author

JessicaJoy

Wrigleyville, Chicago

Living in Chi-town and occasionally working in the film biz, writing, and celebrating being young and alive! I am also a very soon-to-be Auntie! Read my guides and I will kiss you.