How NOT to win the Super Bowl

Super Bowl XLI

If you were in Chicago two winters ago, you might remember a little something called the Super Bowl. Why would you remember this? Well because our team, the Bears, was playing for the first time since 1985. Do you remember how the city was decked out in orange and blue? Even the lions at the Art Institute sported some Bears helmets. The whole city was excited about rooting on our team in Miami.

The game started off with a BANG! Hester returned the opening kick-off against the Colts for a touch down. With a start like that, we thought the game was ours. Who could blame us?! Um…only the entire state of Indiana. It didn’t take long before our offense fell apart. Soon after our defense fell apart. Before we knew it, there was confetti pouring from the sky and the Colts were celebrating. This may or may not be why I hate Peyton Manning.

Bears vs. Falcons

Step 1: Erase a nine-point deficit in the games final four minutes.

Step 2: With a brilliant 11-play, 77-yard drive with a 17-yard touchdown strike to Rashied Davis with 4 seconds left in the fourth quarter, giving your team a 20-19 lead.

Step 3: Allow the other team to return the kick to the Atlanta 44.

Step 4: Allow a 26 yard pass. Watch it get completed. Look at the clock, there’s 1 second left.

Step 5: Watch the Falcons win the game with a 48-yard field goal.

Remember: this all happened in 11 seconds.

Bears vs. Green Bay

I don’t even know where to start. How does one begin describing what went wrong here?

Just know that this was a game you should have one, but did everything in your power to lose. The 37-3 score proves that.

Nuts for penalties

It seems like Peanut loves the penalties. To me, they go hand in hand. When Tillman does something worth mentioning, I always hold my breath and wait for that little yellow flag to be thrown. On the rare occasion that it isn’t thrown, I’m beside myself with confusion. “What happened here?” I ask. What’s going on?! What game am I watching? At that point I’m so distraught that I have to leave the room.

Practice makes perfect

After a missed block, missed tackle, missed pass or an untimely penalty, this is the look you should mimic.

Rex Grossman a.k.a. Sexy Rexy

I prefer to call him butter fingers. Sure, I know, he got us to the Super Bowl. When Grossman is good, he’s GOOD. But when he’s bad, he’s bad. He’s lacks consistency. There’s way too much uncertainty lingering on the field with him as QB. He’s got the arm, but I think he forgot how to hang onto the ball. During the Super Bowl, he wouldn’t know what a football was if it hit him in the face. Rexy, a little bit of advice, when you have the ball, don’t run backwards with it. Ball. Forward. Go.

Kyle Orton a.k.a. Neckbeard

Starting for the Bears this season is Kyle Orton. At the end of last season, he stepped in to replace Rex Grossman. He put points on the board and gave us wins that we should have had all season. But what’s with the lack of play making? And the lack of down field throws? More importantly…what’s with the neck beard?

Brian Griese a.k.a. Who?

Who? Oh, you mean the QB who was let go only to start for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and, with an obvious advantage, kill the Chicago Bears? Yeah, that guy. Where was that arm when you were in Chicago Griese? Traitor.

Caleb Hanie a.k.a. Herpe

I have no idea why I started calling him Herpe. It just rolled off my tongue during pre-season and it stayed with me. I can’t really tell you anything about this guy because I never see him play. But I felt obligated to include this guy. If Tom Brady has taught us anything, it’s that attractive QBs are the key to a successful season. I say, put the herp in. Let’s see what he can do!

Drop the ball

No seriously. Drop it. Don’t think of it as a a football, it’s more like a hot potato. Be sure when it touches your hand to pull yourself out from under it. This way the almost amazing pass turns into heart-shattering disappointment – not only for your team, but for us watching at home.

Bland Offense

Take your star player, you know, that guy who returned the opening kick-off of the Super Bowl for a touch down, and turn him into a stumbling fool who trips over his own feet. Devin Hester used to be the most dynamic WR on the team. This season he’s been anything but. He has the least amount of touches. He slips, slides and trips when he does get his hands on the ball. He hesitates when he should run. We can all learn a little something from him.