A Sarcastic Guide For The All-American Baseball Fan

Get drunk before the first inning

Make sure you get to a bar at least 2 hours before the opening pitch. Get a head start on “obnoxious”. Don’t even think about sipping coke or lemonade. You can put away a few more at the game, and guess what, you’ll be annoying all through the game!

Kick people out of your seat

Get to the game late, like after the 3rd or 4th inning. When you get to your seat, and find some poor slob enjoyng the game, assumed it was available, waive your ticket in his face, yelling that he’s in your seat.

Think Ben Stiller on Friends when he totally flipped out on that elderly couple at the theater.

Freedom of Speech

If there is a bad call by the umpire, or your team blows an easy play, let your feelings out. If you need to curse and use foul language – go for it. Never mind that all the people around may be offended, or have their children (waiting to go to the bathroom, or home) This is the great American pass-time – this is America – say what you want.

Promote Youth

If you have, or know a small child, under the age of 5, especially one that has no interest in baseball, bring him/her to the game. What can be better than paying to come watch the game, and not being able to watch. Small children get bored easlily, tend to wander off. Can’t focus on the game when junior keeps taking off. Rather than the roar of the crowd, you can hear “I’m hungry. I’m bored. I have to go the the bathroom. When are we leaving?”

Make sure you get on TV

Here’s what you do. It’s simple. Go all the way down to the first row closest to the field, get on to the short wall, jump onto the field, and run like hell.
I assure you, the excitement of a half dozen security guys chasing after you racing across the field will make it on TV. You’ll be on the news, maybe the papers, and who knows….could even get on YouTube!

Annoy people watching on TV

If you’re lucky enough to get a seat behind home plate, call one of your friends who is watching, and as the batter comes to the plate, be sure to waive like a maniac. You know the TV cameras are on the batter, your friend will see you, and can tell you he sees you!

Support the vendors

(Most effective if you are sitting in the middle of a row.) Be sure to order your food and drinks from the vendor who walks through the stands, and often. Who cares if the people seated between you and the end of the row are forever passing back and forth money, change, drinks, hotdogs, peanuts. We have to keep those vendor employed.
If the people in your row don’t like it, they can move.

Be THAT guy

Here in Chicago we know that ketchup does not belong on a hot dog. Even so, there are many people who still enjoy the condiment. Be sure that if you see someone emptying one of those packets onto their hot dog that you call them out, point so everyone around you can join in, and ridicule them for being “un-American.”