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Bad Drivers Are The Best Drivers
- by freeandflawed
- -
- October 30, 2008
(6)
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Saying that I've never played games with another driver would be an absolute lie. If you're tailing me, I'll slow down. Try to cut me off? I'll speed up. Give me the finger? I'll wave politely and flash my adorable smile. I'm all about making other drivers feel as angry as I am while on the road. My day feels complete when you scream that four letter word and the veins on your forehead throb to the beat of Hall & Oates on your radio. Every day in Chicago, I see one or more of the driving occurrences, turning the act itself from simply a mode of transportation to a fun-filled adventure.
Be distracted
Be sure that you’re doing at least two things other than watching the road. Not only will this tick off other drivers, but it will help you live more on the edge as you risk not only yours, but other drivers lives. So go ahead and fix your makeup, call your friends, read the paper, or take a nap. Driving is a perfect time to multi-task!
Say no to signals
Never use your turn signal – especially when you plan on turning left at a busy intersection. Aren’t people supposed to just know what you’re planning on doing? Why should you be courteous and prepare them? Keeping people on their toes and their blood pressure high is what you do.
Gas Station Etiquette
Pull your car up just far enough away from the pump so that nobody can use the pump next to yours. If possible, move extremely slow while getting out and into the car. Wash your windows or spend extra time perusing the candy aisle inside. Check all the fluids and tire pressure before you start pumping the gas. While the other person is rambling on about how their life sucks and they should set you car on fire, put the gas pump on the lowest speed setting possible. When you are finally done with everything…repeat.
The slower the better
Make those right turns out of side streets just as a car is approaching, and accelerate ever so slowly. Are you in a rush? No. Are the other drivers? Since when are you concerned about them? You aren’t in a rush but certainly aren’t going to get stuck behind some bum. Pull out right in front of that traffic and take it nice and slow.
Honk if you're impatient!
If there is a car in front of you waiting to make a right turn, but waiting cause it’s a “No Turn On Red” intersection, you need to honk your horn impatiently. Better yet, honk the horn the second the light turns green. If all else fails, back your car up about 10 feet, throw it in drive, and ram their car. If they haven’t gotten the hint by now, they aren’t alive.
"You go, no you go."
As you approach a stop sign, if another vehicle arrives at the same time and the other driver waives you through, waive him/her through right away, then start to go when their car begins to move. Stop if they stop, then repeat. Or, if you approach the stop sign and other people do as well, lay on the horn and floor it. Stopping is just another suggestion. For you at least.
If you close your eyes, they don't exist
Parking stripes? Who says these lines need to be on either side of your car? If you happen to park on one, or maybe one is under your car, so what? They are merely a suggestion. Make sure you park in such a way that you can take up multiple spaces at once. The more, the merrier.
On the road again...
Take advantage of sirens. When all other cars pull to the side to clear the way for an emergency vehicle, wait for that ambulance to pass, then tailgate it to glory! Everyone else will be pulled over and forced to wait, but not you. Be sure to open your windows and scream “So long, suckers!”. Its OK, you’re a better person than them.
They had it coming...
Use the right side of the lane to get ahead of that slow traffic. It’s their own fault. Slower traffic should stay right…or just off the road completely. If you happen to come across a parked car, just cut in front of whoever happens to be in your way. Don’t forget your hand signals. Bonus points if you cut off a cop.
Rest.
Merging traffic? This is where you shine! Accelerate past everyone attempting to merge on the shoulder, pull in front of everyone, then stop. Perfect time to find a new radio station, adjust your mirrors, and call your mom. Merging is for everyone else. You’re not everyone else.
Break some rules
You know, just because you happen to be in the left lane does not mean you cannot make a right turn. Shoulders are perfect passing lanes. As are sidewalks. Make sure you honk your horn to give pedestrians an additional second to dodge your speeding vehicle.
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.jpg "Andrea D")
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NICE work. I also highly approve of drivers who cut you off on the freeway in order to slow you down when they sense that you are going too fast for their comfort level. Those people ROCK my world.
.jpg "JessicaJoy")
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Hilarious! Good job!
.jpg "aliciak")
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Haha, I love that bird pic at the end. Too funny!
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