Since the mainstream media seems hesitant to
cover all of the choices in the 2008 campaign, we here at brianp felt it was about time to give two of the alternate candidates equal time, providing a balanced and fair approach to news (and isn’t it about time we have that in this country?). So for those of you who are not satisfied with the current candidates, here’s two alternatives.

Alternate Candidate #1 - Cthulhu

Cthulhu is an ancient god of the deep, a great old one who shall rise from the darkness to lead our country out of its despair by eating all of us. He is currently running as a delegate for the Insanity Party.

Cthulhu's Stance on Various Issues

All Issues are taken from Cthulhu’s official website here.

1. Abortion:

            The
Great Cthulhu cares little for mortal affairs and mortal politics. However, as
a presidential candidate, it must take a stand. Cthulhu is, therefore,
pro-choice because it cares little for what you do. However, it’s in favor of
keeping humans alive, so that it can taunt and toy with them before they go
insane and it eats them.

2. Congress and the Economy:

            Cthulhu
will have no problem dealing with Congress, as they will be the first to be
eaten. The budget deficit will shrink drastically once Cthulhu cuts unnecessary
spendings like Defense, Welfare and Social Security. Mass support of Cthulhu
will raise the its awareness of the need to take control of our suffering
country, and should lead to its return. The Great Cthulhu will awaken in time
to take its presidential oath.

3. Foreign Policy:

            The
Great Cthulhu views our foreign neighbors as equals to the United States.
It encourages trade in all forms, including slave trade, child trafficking, and
it will continue to give Primary Trading Partner status to the country which
sells the most children worldwide. Cthulhu will provide support to those
countries which do not commit any of the following acts:

1. Population
   control. The more humans alive, the more for it to toy with, drive insane,
   or puree.


2. Genocide:
   See above.


3. Captial
   Punishment: See above.

4. Health:

            The
Great Cthulhu is in perfect health, and due to its high metabolism and steady
diet of human flesh, has no pathetic human need for exercise. In fact, those
humans caught jogging with be destroyed immediately.

Alternate Candidate #2 - General Zod

With a very professional looking
website
and some substantially different views on this year’s election concerns, General Zod is looking like a fine contender for president.

Zod describes what he offers the United States that’s different from his opponents: “This new government shall become a tool of my oppression.
Instead of hidden agendas and waffling policies, I offer you direct candor and brutal certainty.
I only ask for your tribute, your lives, and your vote.”

Here are some of Zod’s platforms:

1. The Iraq War:
       The Iraq War has shifted $187 billion to the defense industry.
How is this “defense industry” to kneel before me?
Are my praises to be sung as footnotes in their paperwork?
You will stop giving these corporations your wealth.
I suggest you put the money into your own schools and health care, so that I may
have intelligent, healthy servants.
I will indulge your wishes if you all want a Westernized, unpopular regime in Iraq,
and I too shall gloat in its troubles, but it will not be done at my expense.

2. Questions of his citizenship:
        Do you propose proof that I was born on Krypton? I don’t think you can.
My birth certificate comes from, well, shall we say, Laredo? I have friends there. The same ones
who assist with new workers from Mexico. With that said, I challenge
you to undo my citizenship. Yes, I, General Zod, was born in Laredo, Texas.
Make no mistake about that! Swear allegience to me and surrender your vote!

3. Why not just take over the whole world?
       Your mother country has potent military forces and markets all over the
world. Are you not the logical choice? Make no mistake, if some petty chieftan
somewhere offends me, I can still deal him a swift, merciless blow. Yet your
country permits and encourages that, does it not? I believe I have chosen well.

4. What about Nicholas Cage naming his child Jor-El?
          What kind of traitor dares such foolishness?
Will anyone accept responsibility and step before Zod? This is mockery and
treachery of the highest order. I dare say that I promise swift and ruthless
executions of those responsible.