The A-Z Guide to Your Secret Ambitions: Part I

A Brief History of My Secret Ambition

The origins of my desire to be the palest white girl ever in a hip hop video can probably be traced back to the Fly Girls of In Living Color >>>

A

Amputate a Limb on Kilimanjaro. You were alone. The rock fell out of nowhere and pinned your left leg down. Fearing for your life, you had to make the ultimate self-sacrifice. Your tale was heroic and landed you in the headlines. Thank heavens, they were able to re-attach your leg, and years later, you walk with ease and have a really impressive scar that serves as the ultimate conversation starter.

B

Belt Out Your Favorite Song on a Broadway Stage. You can’t sing. You were told nicely by your best friend, at least seventy two times by your older brother, (pounding on the bathroom door) and this was finally confirmed by your high school chorus teacher. But one magical Monday night, when The Shubert Theater is dark, you sneak on stage and belt out the world’s most shrill version of “I’m Still Here.” Victory is finally yours.

C

Call the President of The United States. It doesn’t really work that way, but in your wildest dreams, you whip out your cell, punch in the numbers, clear your throat a couple of times, and say “Yeah, hi, I’d like to speak with the President, please. It’s Steve. I have a few ideas I’d like to share. Sure, I’ll hold.”

D

Dance in a Hip Hop Video. Some people might accuse you of being shy. You might even check the “Caucasian” box when filling out certain applications. Secretly, you want to flip your hair extensions in slow motion while maintaining eye contact with the camera. You want to shake it for all it’s worth. In this case: $500 and a day’s access to a craft services spread designed to help you maintain your dangerous curves.

E

Enter Through the Exit Door. They couldn’t make it any clearer: this door is for exiting, and this one is for entering.  But you, you rebel, seize this opportunity to go in through the out door. The key, of course, is to wait for someone who believes in following directions to exit, and then you’ll swoop in lightning fast. You might catch some flack from a manager or security guard, but then what will you do? Immediately exit through the entrance door, of course, using the very same tactic.

F

Feed a Great White Shark. You watch Shark Week every year. You see how those guys do it. What does it take really? Some scuba gear, a guide who knows where to find a great white hangout, some chum, and flipping that little switch in your head that says “this is a really bad idea.” Go for it.

G

Guard Buckingham Palace for a Day. You hold the local record for staring contests and in a game of freeze tag, even a cheap shot at your biological relation to your parents wouldn’t cause so much as a flinch. You’ve always dreamed of guarding Buckingham Palace for just one day and showing those tourists you’ve got what it takes to change over.

H

Have Dinner With Andre. Andre Gregory, of “My Dinner With Andre,” that is. Ever seen this classic? Do yourself a favor. Better yet, get a hold of this guy. Why not? I believe he can be found on Cape Cod. Find a nice quiet cafe, make a reservation, and get this man to agree to dinner on you. He’ll talk, you’ll listen. Why? Because his life story is a lot more interesting than yours, guaranteed.

I

Illustrate a Children’s Book. Let’s get this straight: it’s for kids, right? So if it looks less like a Chris Van Allsburg book and more like a children’s book illustrated by children, you could possibly play it off as your intention all along. Roll up your sleeves and have a ball.

J

Jump From the Top of The Empire State Building Into a Giant Net. You’ve had that dream before, haven’t you? Or at least one like it, I’m sure. For at least 5 seconds, you’d feel like a super hero. You might swallow a few bugs on the way down, but the exhilaration will make it well worth the little insect snack.

K

Kick the Winning Field Goal in the Superbowl. “Laces out.” The crowd is suddenly hushed. The game is tied. Your mother gasps in the stands. The announcers are whispering your stats into their headsets. An annoying fan blurts out “Don’t screw it up!” A father on his couch in Idaho explains to his twelve year old son that you had an only so-so season, but that you would totally redeem yourself if you just made this one kick. They both lean forward in their seats. You breathe, back up, charge, kick, and score!

L

Live in a Cave for a Week. No cell phone. No Laptop. No PSP. You want to escape it all and just rough it for one whole week. (Well, maybe just five days so you can still go to your friend’s birthday party on Saturday. You guys are pretty tight.) You want to know what it’s like to get back to basics, and this is one way to find out.

M

Marry a Random Couple. You love weddings. You hide it well, but they always get you teared up, even in movies. The thought of two people who were once complete strangers finding each other in this world and making that lifelong promise in front of closest friends and family is just…so…beautiful. (Here’s a tissue.) So once in your life, you’d like a front seat to this game. Become a Justice of the Peace and perform the marriage ceremony yourself. Just, try to keep it together. Remember, you don’t really know these people.