Being Tall is Awesome!

The Awesome

Mad Dunk Skillz

Well, the mad skillz take some time to work up to, but I can still dunk a ball with little effort.  Even standing under the hoop I can hop up and curl three fingers over the rim.  Give me a little room to run and it’s Phi Slamma Jamma time.  Just don’t ask me to do any fancy spins or pump fakes, unless of course we’re doing a shoot for America’s Funniest Home Videos.

Getting Things Off of High Shelves

I never have to ask for help in this department, or when it comes to stuff like changing lightbulbs.

Nobody Questions the Size of My Junk

Being tall grants you an automatic exemption from every small dick joke in the book.  While I can’t conclusively prove that all of us big & tall guys are “proportionate” (if you know what I mean), I can tell you that out of all the harassment I’ve gotten about my height, never once has my manhood been attacked.  At least not figuratively, but that story is best saved for a completely different guide.

Huge Discounts on Clothing

You’d think that with all the extra material that goes into the making of a shirt my size that’d it be even more expensive than a normal-sized one.  And you’d be right.  The trick is, however, to just wait until the good stuff makes it’s way to Ross or Kohl’s.  There are so few people coming through there to buy it that it inevitably gets discounted several times over.  When I play my cards right, I’m able to snag the really good stuff for $3-4 per item.

Fitting In

Plain and simple, I don’t.  Which tends to work in my favor.  I’m constantly upgraded to business class on personal trips by making a sympathetic plea to flight attendants and train operators.  Any time I’ve ever traveled on business, my need for a company-sponsored upgrade isn’t even questioned.

Social Situations

It’s not like I’m the tallest guy you’ll ever meet.  That being said, it can be a great icebreaker when meeting new people, and I’ve been approached by strangers because of it more times than I can remember.  I’m easy to spot in a crowd, so it’s hard to get separated from me.  Japanese tourists always want to have their picture taken with me because they think I’m in the NBA.  I always have a clear view at concerts and movies (sorry people behind me).  Nobody ever fucks with me in a mosh pit.  And although a lot of it comes down to conditioning, I do have a bit of an advantage when it comes alcohol tolerance.

The Not-So-Awesome

The Stupid Questions

This is probably one of my least favorite things about being tall… the seemingly nonstop barrage of stupid questions.  I’m sure they don’t seem that stupid to the person doing the asking, but after fielding the same question a thousand or so times (seriously), you can begin to see why I now classify any of the following as stupid:

1. “I bet you were great at basketball, huh?”  OK, so maybe I can dunk without trying too hard (see opposite side).  Otherwise I suck at basketball.  Your false assumptions that led to choosing me first for that pick-up game will be your undoing.
2. “Are your parents really tall too?”  Actually, I was abandoned at the circus when I was just a baby.  Thanks for bringing those painful memories back to the surface.
3. “How’s the weather up there?”  Die!

Getting Things Off of High Shelves

Others always ask for help in this department, or when it comes to some pretty ridiculous bullshit, like painting ceilings and cleaning out gutters.

Spiderwebs

As a bit of a baby when it comes to spiders, this is one especially painful con of being tall, and something most people don’t even realize.  You know how much it sucks to walk through a spiderweb?  It doesn’t happen to people of average height that often, since odds are in your favor that someone else already walked through it.  Not the case for me, since not many others are tall enough to catch those webs.  Meaning that in the spring and summer, when I’m anywhere near trees, doorways, or roof overhangs my face inevitably finds an uncleared web.  Last year I caught one with a juicy spider still on it, which proceeded to crawl right across my mouth.

Fitting In

Japanese cars, houses built prior to 1990, carnival rides, bowling shoes, anything from The Gap or Old Navy; these and so many of the other things you probably take for granted were not designed with me in mind.

Social Situations

Do you know how many people it requires for me to be able to execute a proper keg stand?  And what about crowd surfing?  I’ve been dropped on my head and ass at more concerts than I’d like to remember.  I just don’t even try anymore.