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How to Be an AWESOME Old Person
- by jayferris
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- September 22, 2009
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Our senescence is an unfortunate and inevitable part of life. But just because it has to happen doesn't mean we don't have a choice in how those silver and golden years are spent. In that same vein of thinking, I offer this satirical look at the "right way" to age, along with some stark evidence to the contrary.
Drugs Are Just Plain Bad
Even if it comes directly from the Earth (and make a fine rope to boot), best to keep these impurities as far away as possible.
Refrain from Strenuous Physical Activity
As your body slowly begins to betray you, now is the time to nurture your mind. Physical exercise will not only be painful, but unsuccessful as well.
Play it Safe
Remember, you’re not as young as you once were, and the world is one big accident waiting to happen. Best you avoid going outside altogether.
What Not to Do: Buster Martin
He drinks, smokes, and eats red meat everyday. You’d think that would be enough for 102 year old Buster Martin, but he continues to work full time and even ran the London Marathon in 2008. If he keeps this pace up, who knows what people will start to expect from the elderly!
Always Put Your Best Face Forward
You never know who might be paying attention.
Dressing Sensibly is a Must
Modesty is a path wide enough for everyone to walk upon.
Self-Expression Should Be Kept in Check
A well-written letter to the editor of your local paper is the best venue for expressing your thoughts and opinions.
Stay Away From Youthful Fads
Things that are “all the rage” with kids, like breakdancing for example, should not be attempted. If you must be involved in it somehow, try drafting a petition to have it permanently banned.
Sporting Opportunities Will Be Fewer
A weekly game of shuffleboard or bocce isn’t entirely out of the question, just be sure to take frequent rest periods.
Promiscuity is Harmful
Once one passes the critical age of 55, improper thoughts and actions towards the opposite sex can only serve to further weaken an already failing system.
Meeting New People Can Be Dangerous
You never know who could be a killer, fiend, or dirty politician in disguise.
TV and Video Games Rot The Brain
Following these fruitless pursuits opens the door to senility, dementia, and early death.
The Path of Non-Violence Brings Inner Harmony
It is without this inner harmony that the mind and body shut down at an early age.
A Life of Virtue is Well-Rewarded
Only those who walk the straight and narrow can hope to join the centenarian club.
Savor Peace and Quiet
As an aging person whose social obligations are likely few and far between, it’s best that you begin to enjoy the restful quiet that comes with having nothing to do.
What Not to Do: The Great Omani
Such silly notoriety as being the oldest recorded escapologist and stuntman is undoubtedly a fleeting thing. The Great Omani died in 2007 with this distinction, at the age of 92. Had he just sat around and taken his medication like everyone else, he might have made it to 94 or 95. What a shame.
Find Solace Amongst Your Peers
Only those from your generation will be able to offer you comfort in your day-to-day struggles.
Dancing Can Still Be Fun!
Just because you get old, doesn’t mean you have to give up on your body. There’s a young person still inside that decaying body somewhere. I hope I still have the passion to dance when I’m 90 something!
added by Coffee Slut 05/18/2009
Skydiving!
This is a 97 year old man skydiving! Way to live large! Go big or go home.
added by MadeleineVictoria 05/18/2009
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