Tricks to Avoid Your Family's Pestering, Prodding, and Shameless Pandering during the Holidays

by Karey Ann 10 contributors - December 02, 2008 + Add To This Guide

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I'm exhausted already! So what's so tiring about the holidays? We all know what it is: FAMILY. Navigating the barbed compliments, the still-simmering grudges, and the call to improve ourselves (in whatever way they see fit) can tire even the most jolly holiday-lover. At my parents' house, when that flower-cushioned antique chair becomes the hot seat, I become a spineless stutterer that drinks too much waaaay too much wine. So I am asking for your tips - tried and true - in avoiding the awkward at family functions. That way I can hit the Christmas dinner table armed with more than a sheepish shrug, a too-tight smile, and three extra bottles of vino!

This technique includes the following:

1. Choosing a straw man. This is usually one of my brothers, my Dad, a friend, whatever your panicked mind lights upon.

2. Lighting him on fire. Go ahead, throw ‘em under the bus! It’s been a while since they felt the heat anyway! The licking flames should distract everyone . . .

Example:

My Mother: “Oh yeah, Karey Ann, you were such an angel. I’ll never forget the time you got suspended in 7th grade for putting whasshisname’s face into the stove in Home Ec. What were you thinking?”

Karey Ann: “Probably the same thing Kevin (little brother) was thinking when he shot that guy’s windshield out with his beebee gun. Oh, wasn’t that guy just so MAD, Kev?”

Somebody get some water, ‘cause that man’s on fire! Bonus points: bringing up a story about a sibling that one or both parents didn’t know about is like adding extra lighter fluid to the blaze.

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This one involves taking a statement or question that is posed, and instead of following it to its logical conclusion, you make it absurd or unpalatable.

My Mother: “So when are you going to marry him instead of just shack up* with him?”

Karey Ann: “Hmm. Well, oh. To bring up marriage to him implies that I could love men.”

Zinger.

*Yes, people still use this term. And use it sincerely.

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Elegant Clutter

702 Sycamore Valley Rd W, Danville, CA 94526

Where my Mom gets all her furnishings, from which she perches on and rapid-fires pointed and judgmental questions.

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Trader Joe's

99 Danville Sq, Danville, CA 94506

Closest TJ’s to my parents’ house. Always a pre-family event pit stop.

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Better Times - Remember Those??

Become the family historian! Any time it seems as though your family is drifting into third cocktail interrogation mode, simply spin a yarn of heartwarming delight straight from the second grade. And if your childhood contains no such tales, perhaps it’s time to suggest a Charlie Brown holiday special on TV…that usually brings the unit right together again.

added by aubreeWYATTsmith 12/05/2008

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BEER! LOTS & LOTS OF BEER!

I don’t know about your family, but in order to spend any amount of extended time with mine, you NEED lots and lots of beer.

One thing that I always do, is volunteer for beer runs. Get out of the house for a bit… and go get more beer.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

added by HarleyJane 12/05/2008

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Two words: Physical Violence. It might be childish and unsophisticated, but with a sister like Karey Ann setting you on fire left and right, what’s a person to do? Sometimes you just need to strap yourselves in and beat the hell out of each other.

By the way, that car had it coming.

added by kgarduno13 12/14/2008

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Silence is golden

You can actually get away with a lot by pasting a wan smile on your face and refusing to answer any questions, or respond to any little fights that people try to pick. You’ll not only be boring, you’ll actually be a little creepy.

Pre-empting barbed comments can also throw people for a loop. Go ahead and exclaim “I know! I am SUCH a slut!” whenever your mother asks if you ever plan to settle down. Then smile broadly and go back to being quiet.

added by Andrea D 12/02/2008

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Burning Man

Speaking of burning straw men, go ahead and talk ad nauseum about your time at Burning Man this year. Really, never stop talking about it. Nothing is more interesting than your pot and acid-fueled utopian vacation. Bring pictures, even a slide show. It doesn’t matter if you went or not: friends and family will be avoiding you within minutes, leaving you in peace with your bottle of Scotch.

added by Andrea D 12/02/2008

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HOW TO HANDLE THE "GOD" CONVERSATION:

It’s always difficult when someone in yor family decides to get all religious on you and somewhere in the night they’ll ask you if you’ve A. Been saved or B. How you manage to live your life without following the path of the Lord???

It’s really easy to let this rile you up and react with a snap decision…which I’m going to URGE you to avoid, since that’ll only make you look like more of a heathen.

1. ALWAYS have a good exit strategy- if you need to resort to a sudden case of diahrrea- DO IT.
2. DON’T SPEAK. Just listen, then go scream in your car.
3.Avoid wearing peace signs, marijuana leaves, tie die, bandana’s, or flowing fabrics- your hippie garb will insight fear and a mission to “save you.”

added by Chelsea 12/12/2008

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The best defense is a good offense

1. Prepare a list of potential pitfalls in advance

For example: My family focuses on the fact that I have a college degree and all I’ve ever committed myself to is a retail career

2. what are the negatives that will drive you to booze!

This year is rough as I am now volunteering at a non-profit cafe and have grand visions that my ass couldn’t put a down payment on (livin’ in the bay area is rough for under 100k a year)

3. Prepare talking points ahead of time

- I am in transition, signed up for grad school entrance exam

-this experience is valuable for my five year professional goals

-Do you have any suggestions for someone with ADD who can’t sit at a desk

Ok the third option is when you’re really in a corner. Bringing up mental illness is a red flag for folks to handle you with kid gloves

4. Practice makes perfect!!!

-Utilize those 3-5 Christmas parties to share what you are up to. This ensures confidence when under fire

5. When all else fails, bring up the potential “Hot Topic” yourself! Then like my homeboy Brian Tracy says, "you are responsible

added by Fun Patrol 12/02/2008

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: by ElGuapo 12/16/2008 Reply

Dearest Karey Ann, I have a an excellent technique involving mustaches, marathons and holiday parties in the san fernando valley and would very much like to contribute to your guide. Unfortunately, I am currently home for the holidays, which means I am using the house computer (I’m pretty sure it is an Apple IIC+) making it impossible to add requiste mustache photo needed to fully explain said Mustache technique. Hopefully, I will be able to contribute tomorrow from the library’s interwebs PS I will return the flask to u when u return Joe Six Pack to me. kisses, El Guapo