Tricks to Avoid Your Family's Pestering, Prodding, and Shameless Pandering during the Holidays

Technique #1: The Straw Man

This technique includes the following:

1. Choosing a straw man. This is usually one of my brothers, my Dad, a friend, whatever your panicked mind lights upon.

2. Lighting him on fire. Go ahead, throw ‘em under the bus! It’s been a while since they felt the heat anyway! The licking flames should distract everyone . . .

Example:

Technique #2: Post hoc ergo . . .

This one involves taking a statement or question that is posed, and instead of following it to its logical conclusion, you make it absurd or unpalatable.

My Mother: “So when are you going to marry him instead of just shack up* with him?”

Karey Ann: “Hmm. Well, oh. To bring up marriage to him implies that I could love men.”

Zinger.


*Yes, people still use this term. And use it sincerely.

Technique #3: The Desperado

Get out. Any way you can. It may be silly, graceless, or a complete non-sequitur – but it’s completely necessary.

My Father: “Is that a flask in your purse?”

Karey Ann: “The Guggenheim Bilbao!”

@ubreeWYATTsmith Suggests Heartwarming Nostalgia - or Heartwarming Fiction

HarleyJane Says that Being the Beer Bitch Ain't So Bad:

Kevin Says...

JayFerris' Technique:

Andrea D's Got Some Helpful Hints for the Balllsy:

Silence is golden

You can actually get away with a lot by pasting a wan smile on your face and refusing to answer any questions, or respond to any little fights that people try to pick. You’ll not only be boring, you’ll actually be a little creepy.

Pre-empting barbed comments can also throw people for a loop. Go ahead and exclaim “I know! I am SUCH a slut!” whenever your mother asks if you ever plan to settle down. Then smile broadly and go back to being quiet.

There Had to be a Lebowski Reference:

Fun Patrol Doesn't Hesitate to Pull Out All The Stops:

The best defense is a good offense

1.  Prepare a list of potential pitfalls in advance
For example:  My family focuses on the fact that I have a college degree and all I’ve ever committed myself to is a retail career 
2. what are the negatives that will drive you to booze!
This year is rough as I am now volunteering at a non-profit cafe and have grand visions that my ass couldn’t put a down payment on  (livin’ in the bay area is rough for under 100k a year)
3. Prepare talking points ahead of time
- I am in transition, signed up for grad school entrance exam-this experience is valuable for my five year professional goals-Do you have any suggestions for someone with ADD who can’t sit at a desk
Ok the third option is when you’re really in a corner.  Bringing up mental illness is a red flag for folks to handle you with kid gloves
4.  Practice makes perfect!!! -Utilize those 3-5 Christmas parties to share what you are up to.  This ensures confidence when under fire
5.  When all else fails, bring up the potential “Hot Topic” yourself!  Then like my homeboy Brian Tracy says,  "you are responsible

Pass the Wine

I start drinking WAY before a family gathering begins, so that way when people start asking me about my job, love life, or anything else I don’t want to talk about, I’m too drunk to care. 

Dead C is Blunted for the Holidays: