Box of Wine for Mom
Master saying this phrase sincerely and without sounding like you have an ulterior motive:
“Here Mom, let me freshen that glass up for you.”
Bonus points awarded for getting your Mom to drunk dial your Uncles.
Silence is golden
You can actually get away with a lot by pasting a wan smile on your face and refusing to answer any questions, or respond to any little fights that people try to pick. You’ll not only be boring, you’ll actually be a little creepy.
Pre-empting barbed comments can also throw people for a loop. Go ahead and exclaim “I know! I am SUCH a slut!” whenever your mother asks if you ever plan to settle down. Then smile broadly and go back to being quiet.
Burning Man
Speaking of burning straw men, go ahead and talk ad nauseum about your time at Burning Man this year. Really, never stop talking about it. Nothing is more interesting than your pot and acid-fueled utopian vacation. Bring pictures, even a slide show. It doesn’t matter if you went or not: friends and family will be avoiding you within minutes, leaving you in peace with your bottle of Scotch.
HOW TO HANDLE THE "GOD" CONVERSATION:
It’s always difficult when someone in yor family decides to get all religious on you and somewhere in the night they’ll ask you if you’ve A. Been saved or B. How you manage to live your life without following the path of the Lord???
It’s really easy to let this rile you up and react with a snap decision…which I’m going to URGE you to avoid, since that’ll only make you look like more of a heathen.
1. ALWAYS have a good exit strategy- if you need to resort to a sudden case of diahrrea- DO IT.
2. DON’T SPEAK. Just listen, then go scream in your car.
3.Avoid wearing peace signs, marijuana leaves, tie die, bandana’s, or flowing fabrics- your hippie garb will insight fear and a mission to “save you.”
The best defense is a good offense
1. Prepare a list of potential pitfalls in advance
For example: My family focuses on the fact that I have a college degree and all I’ve ever committed myself to is a retail career
2. what are the negatives that will drive you to booze!
This year is rough as I am now volunteering at a non-profit cafe and have grand visions that my ass couldn’t put a down payment on (livin’ in the bay area is rough for under 100k a year)
3. Prepare talking points ahead of time
- I am in transition, signed up for grad school entrance exam
-this experience is valuable for my five year professional goals
-Do you have any suggestions for someone with ADD who can’t sit at a desk
Ok the third option is when you’re really in a corner. Bringing up mental illness is a red flag for folks to handle you with kid gloves
4. Practice makes perfect!!!
-Utilize those 3-5 Christmas parties to share what you are up to. This ensures confidence when under fire
5. When all else fails, bring up the potential “Hot Topic” yourself! Then like my homeboy Brian Tracy says, "you are responsible
Pass the Wine
I start drinking WAY before a family gathering begins, so that way when people start asking me about my job, love life, or anything else I don’t want to talk about, I’m too drunk to care.
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