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How to be the Hot Girl in an Action Movie
- by gillians
- -
- January 20, 2009
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Movies like Quantum of Solace, The Dark Knight and the Jason Bourne franchise consistently make boatloads of money every year. Though these films certainly have their action packed, hero stories in common, there's another, more irritating thread that runs through movies like this. A Girl. Sure, there needs to be a love story. And in some cases the girl can even help the hero guy out, or at least make the story more interesting. But in some - nay, in MOST cases - the girl is COMPLETELY USELESS and does nothing but SLOW THE HERO DOWN. So in case you ever find yourself in such a perilous situation as to be the object of affection of an action hero (this is a scenario that I am constantly concerned about), here are some tried and tested tips so that you can do more than just survive.
Avoid Getting Involved
There you are just minding your own business, making a bank deposit, working for the British Government or riding your horse on the beach and along comes some ridiculously hot guy who inevitably has a hot accent, a spectacularly hot body and/or piercing blue eyes that seem to look right into your soul. He sweeps you off your feet for one reason or another, because he rescues you from danger or just because he’s so damn sexy. But something doesn’t seem quite right. He seems really quiet, or secretive or just aloof. You’ve got a feeling in the pit of your stomach that he is not just a normal guy and it always seems like he’s looking over his shoulder for something. There are two possibilities here: he’s in massive debt, or he’s some kind of superhero/secret agent. You really don’t want to be involved with either of those situations, so it’s better to cut your losses and get out NOW. The little voice is telling you to, just GO! Please!
Arclight Hollywood
6360 W Sunset Blvd, Los Angeles, CA 90028
If you do decide not to get involved, you can always check out an action flick in the Dome. It’s the next best thing.
If you do decide not to get involved, you can always check out an action flick in the Dome. It’s the next best thing.
You Got Involved, Didn't You?
Ok, it’s too late. You’re already in too deep so now they (whoever THEY are) are after you, too. Fine. Here are some tips to help you survive and not completely ruin the movie. But don’t say I never warned you.
Wear Sensible Shoes
It’s more than likely that you and your poorly chosen beau are going to have to attend a black tie event at some point during this whole debacle. I know, it probably seems like you should wear heels. After all, you are going to be on the arm of the hottest, baddest boy there, you need to look smokin’ But please trust me here and go with the flats. I don’t care if he showed up at your door with a pair of 5" Manolos. You are going to want FLATS. That way, later on, when you find yourself on an impromptu skydiving adventure trying to escape from an eco-terrorist, you won’t have to worry about doing it barefoot, or even more inexplicably, CARRYING YOUR SHOES WITH YOU. Seriously, flats, they are awesome. Just try them. Just this once.
Trust me, style is going to seem like a very luxurious concern very soon. Which brings me to my next point…
Check out these adorable (and sensible!) flats from Urban Outfitters.
Tory Burch
142 S Robertson Blvd, Los Angeles, CA 90048
Urban Outfitters not up to snuff? Tory Burch makes beatiful, fashionable FLATS.
Urban Outfitters not up to snuff? Tory Burch makes beatiful, fashionable FLATS.
Lax Firing Range Inc
927 W Manchester Blvd, Inglewood, CA 90301
Pick up some useful skills BEFORE you get involved in this drama.
Pick up some useful skills BEFORE you get involved in this drama.
Keep Your Hair Under Control
A ponytail is great, just ask Pepper Potts. Even a half-pony tail, at least it keeps the long parts in the front out of your face. A headband could work too. Or even better, how about a nice bob with bangs like the latest Bond girl. You wouldn’t go for a jog with your hair going all crazy everywhere, so you don’t want to run for your life like that either. You may even be asked to change your hairstyle part way through. Do it without question. Speaking of which…
That is some no nonsense hair, Ms. Potts!
Once you’re allowed to return to civilization, you can treat yourself to a great haircut. Until then, it’s important to be flexible.
Once you’re allowed to return to civilization, you can treat yourself to a great haircut. Until then, it’s important to be flexible.
Maybe you wouldn’t need so much rescuing if you ate a sandwich once in a while…
Don't Ask Questions
Sorry dear, the time to ask questions was at the beginning, BEFORE YOU GOT INVOLVED. (Remember back at the beginning when I told you not to get involved in the first place?) Now that you’re firmly entrenched in this whole actiony, chasy, explosiony thing, it’s too late. Now you’re going to have to submit yourself completely to the badass that you’ve hooked up with. Don’t ask WHY? or WHO? or any other stupid questions like that. He says run, you TAKE OFF. He says “GET IN THE CAR!” JUST GET IN THE CAR. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT! And so help me god if you ever say “Just wait, I have to get my shoes,” well, then you deserve to die. Speaking of which…
Leave it Behind
This is essentially the same tip that you’ll get in a self-defense course. Nothing, no matter how precious to you, is worth your life. I mean, if it’s like some cure for cancer that’s going to be destroyed or something, that’s one thing, but your man will probably be the one worrying about that. If it’s like some photo of your mom or your favorite scarf or something stupid like that, JUST LEAVE IT BEHIND! DO NOT frantically paw through rubble or your purse or blindly grope at the ground on your hands and knees for the locket that your dead grandma kept through the Holocaust. JUST LEAVE IT BEHIND.
Have Your Own Backstory
Your hero guy is doing enough for you, so see if you can justify your existence and participation in this extreme situation. It’s best if you are seeking your own revenge or something like that because it gets pretty boring if the only reason for you to be around is that you’re pretty (though being pretty is a requirement, too).
Being able to drive and having a car is great, but you need to bring something else to the table, sister.
Redeem Yourself
Ok, maybe you’ve needed a little bit of rescuing. Maybe you’ve even considered turning on the guy who keeps rescuing you, but as long as you’re still alive, you can redeem yourself. Take something he taught you (gun handling skills, asskicking skills, crazy surveillance skills) and save his ass when he needs it the most. PLEASE do this instead of betraying him! That just makes the rest of us hot girls look bad. And if you die trying to save him, at least you know that you will have a total badass trying to avenge you.
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.jpg "Andrea D")
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What about having a sexy foreign accent? Does that help? I don’t have one, but I could obtain one.
.jpg "Chelsea")
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I have those shoes. God, I knew I had the skills to be in an action movie. KNEW IT
.jpg "mswen")
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That girl in your guide picture? I’m in love with her hair.
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