How To Ace Your Finals

Whatever you do, abstain from a social life for the duration of your studying. Hangovers do not help you retain facts. Also, you can’t afford to lose any valuable study time because you had to go to the free clinic to see why it burns when you pee. Sex. Drinking. Late night excursions. They can all wait until after you’ve wrapped up your last final. Of course, you don’t want to turn into one of those campus psychos who can do nothing, but study. It’s a fine line to walk. Just use this as a rule of thumb: if it seems like a bit too much fun, give it a rain check for now. Believe me, missing one night of partying won’t matter if you have to compose a three-page essay by hand the next day about the effects of the Enlightenment on rural France.

Y’know what will kill your cramming efforts? An all-nighter. Nothing is worse for your mind and body than trying to retain an entire semester’s worth of information on no sleep. The best thing you can do is trying to get five to six hours of rest in between trying to finish your thesis. When your body is exhausted, it shuts down and can’t absorb any new knowledge. Even with the help of caffienne, it won’t change the fact that the best thing you can do is get some rest. Even if finding time to rest is precious, create a regular schedule to nap, or at least finding time to pull away from your studies.

Studying is always better when you have someone to bounce facts and figures off of; so why not seek out the kid in class who probably does have to study? It’s going to be pretty boring for him: sitting around in his room watching anime porn, playing Mario Kart Wii, listening to the same Nickleback mix tape for hours and hours. He’ll just be killing time while everybody else he knows is studying as if there lives depended on it. Of course, if you seek out his help, it may come with a price. This is where you’ll have to find your cute female friend who looks like Natalie Portman from Garden State and beg her to do you a favor.

Don’t put the easy stuff first. If you know that that half-paragraph final essay for your elective class “I Love Movies and Why” is going to be a breeze, then set it aside for later when you have less to worry about. Tackling more difficult material is better because it warms your brain up to retaining a heavy volume of knowledge quickly. Plus, when you do have to sit down to study the easier material, you take it in faster. You have a better shot at remembering clearly what you studied first, especially if it was all relatable for one exam. Choose wisely. I thinking your grade in “Woodcutting 101” will be fine if you opt to turn in your final project a day late.

Typically, this is when local take-out spots do their strongest business of the semester. Try to avoid the General Tso’s until after your last final. Instead, see if you grade switch-up your meals and foods for stuff that will keep you well-fueled, and keep your mind alert. Some vitamins wouldn’t hurt here, either.

In the insanity that will ensue for the next two weeks of your life, do yourself and favor, and do find time for you. Get a chair massage. Go see a movie. Hang out with friends during some off-time. Hell, even make-out with your girlfriend… if you have one. The only way to keep your head above water is taking time for you. All of your work will get done, but it won’t help that you’re completely exhausted.

Back in the old days, it was assume that students were actually studious. They took copious notes, reviewed material from the day’s lessons that night in private study, and took the world of academia with a great amount of seriousness. These days, most students don’t even know who the last president was. One would assume then that study comes off as a massive effort, far too intimidating for the modern undergraduate. Here’s the trick about studying: it’s about quantity. The human brain is amazingly flexible and requires only repetition and pacing to be able to retain anything. Think of it this way: a pitcher only learns how to pitch by doing; the only way you’re going to learn the facts is by streamlining. Find ways to turn studying into an exercise (flash cards, bullet points, etc.) and even find ways to stay physically active while studying (pacing, walking and talking). This sounds crazy, but if you can actually get facts into your body via muscle memory, you’ll be surprised how quickly you can pick things up.

Espresso is delicious when prepared correctly and consumed at leisure in relative amounts. Why people yearn to destroy their central nervous system by consuming coffee is it’s purest form, I’ll never understand. The jolt you’ll get from espresso – or other caffienated energy drinks – will get you through a study session, and then help you crash during the test. Think of it like this: Why would you put all the emphasis on studying when there’s another, more important three hours to worry about? Green tea, on the other hand, does have more caffiene in it, but won’t kill your nerves. If anything, the herbal properties of the drink – plus its anti-oxidants – will help you with focus. But the greatest asset is the lack of damage green tea will also inflict upon your colon.

Or, Ozymandias from Watchmen for that matter. I’m sorry to nerd out but it seemed appropos. Here’s the deal about finals: there’s only so much you can do with so little time. Don’t make the mistake of panicking and the blow your wad on trying to do the impossible. You need to pace yourself, you need to know your limits, and – sometimes – you’ll just have to work through a intense crunch. The whole point of studying though is to give yourself a shot. So just don’t forget about being on-top of the exam itself. You have nothing to fear but fear itself… along wth fear of sleeping through your testing period because you stayed up too late trying to over-study in the first place. 

• Knocked Up by Kings of Leon
• Valentine by The Replacements
• Swordfishtrombone by Tom Waits
• The Kids Don’t Stand A Chance by Vampire Weekend
• Lonely Boy by Metaform
• My Beau by Daedelus
• Drivin’ Me Wild by Common feat. Lily Allen
• Blue Lines by Massive Attack
• Chicago by Groove Armada
• Wanna Get by Reggie Watts
• Apartment Story by The National
• Heretics by Andrew Bird
• Plasticities by Andrew Bird
• Sister Jack by Spoon
• Hospital Beds by The Cold War Kids

Great Expectations by Charles Dickens – Boy meets girl at age eight and destroys his entire personal life until he hits thirty. There’s a crazy old lady in it. Boy and girl decide to be friends in the end; no benefits included.

Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison – Black people were once second-class citizens in this country. So much so, that neither intellectualism or militarism could do anything about it. In the end, Barack Obama becomes president. Somewhere the ghost of Ralph Ellison is laughing.

Old Man And The Sea by Ernest Hemingway – A regular day fishing turns into a life-or-death situation. Film adaptation starring Anthony Hopkins to be released in 2009.

The Awakening by Kate Chopin – Being a woman in 1899 SUCKED.

King Lear by William Shakespeare – An old man regrets not drafting a will earlier in life. He returns to the wilderness to speak to the trees, all of his family is killed as a result.

The Bible, written by Unknown – Here is the story of man. Here is the story of why man is an idiot. Pick and choose your favorites. Interpret as needed.

The Lord Of The Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien – You’re an idiot if you haven’t seen the movies by now.

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead by Tom Stoppard – Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, coin flip, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, Hamlet, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, predestination versus victim of circumstance, blah, blah, blah, blah… what?

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