Categories: Humor; Dating & Relationships

New York Women Are Psychos

By mattfriedinNY
updated 2 months ago

I've dated many females in my time. Occasionally, I've woken up next to another guy; we're both confused, frightened, and wondering why the room smells like Abercrombie cologne - but that's a different story. True enough, in most cases, I've found myself romantically entangled with New York females - and I've found they are all crazy. That's right: I'm not the problem, they are. I've gotten it all: the blow-offs from hipster girls, the 3 a.m. phone calls from bawling actresses, the "Hey! Stop messaging me on Facebook - it's over! What you're doing is stalking!" head cases. It's all the same story guys. New York women: pretty to look at, a bit too nutso to handle.

Upper East Side Moms

The kind of stuff that inspires movies like Unfaithful. UES Moms are a whole different kind of crazy. What separates them from other New York women? The little financial dependents they call “children.” Apparently, nothing is too good for little Spencer and Tracey. Have you ever seen a UES mom throw a fit in Lord & Taylor because the store ran out of gold-plated diapers? I have and it gets ugly. You would never think that an iPhone could double as an assault weapon, but it happened. The only way to tame such a savage beast? Lots of entitled and an account at Hermes. The lady doth protest without her favorite scarves.

Dylan's Candy Bar

1011 3rd Ave, New York, NY 10065

A candy heaven for any bleating six year old. And also, a easy place to take sparing lessons with any irate parent.

Yuppie Girls

You walk into a bar where there’s a lot of people. You spot a girl – dressed like something out of an H&M catalogue – making eyes at you. You make your way over. “Buy you a drink?” you ask – first mistake. She’s real cute when you two are sober. Two hours and seventy dollars later, she won’t stop talking about how awesome the new Gavin DeGraw album is and knows nothing about what you’re trying to talk about. However, she will take another Long Island Iced Tea. Thirty minutes later, she’ll either dump you for the first knobjob she sees, cry on your shoulder about why Chet won’t return her phones calls, or simply puke on you. Cheer up – it’s not your fault she’s nuts; however, you are the one with the two hundred bar tab.

Delancey Lounge

168 Delancey Street, New York, NY 10002

Loud, obnoxious Euro-Trash music? Overpriced drinks? A clientele that looks like a Real World casting call? A velvet rope section that doesn’t deserve a velvet rope? I’m home!

NYU Girls

The true scourge of downtown – right next to hipsters and The Olsen Twins. NYU Girls are like a dime a dozen with a dime a dozen and a side of grating mass production. Call me crazy for not falling over backwards for the ladies of the Black Sheep Ivy League, but there’s something about having to compete with being Ryan Adams that just sounds exhausting to me. Yes, that isn’t to say ALL NYU are like the easy-to-understand stereotype I’m trying to perpetuate, but I have had yet to meet those girls. The ones that apparently don’t mind how broke I am, or that I insist on making them a Denver Omlette the next morning… in my head.

Hipster Girl

I don’t get it with these girls. Why are perfectly attractive women trying to convince me they’re Petula Clark? Why do they insist on wearing a cloth shopping bag as a dress and listening to Bright Eyes? Maybe I’m just a “square” (which I’m not, but I’m putting this in for the sake of rhetoric), but hipster girls are just flat-out weirdos. Weirdos who have thrown drinks in my face and get angry when they find – fifteen minutes into conversation – that I really don’t know the work of Serge Gainsbourg. Excuse me ladies, but do you know how much effort it takes to keep up with your music blogs? TWO HOURS! Two hours of my day that I could be spending asleep or watching What’s Happening?. Ugh.

Indie Rock Moms

Ah-ha! The gold mine. A type of female that saw the last great rock revolutions in the mid-’90s, and has since settled down to raise a family. You would think a guy like me would be in paradise with a woman like this… but no. Because – apparently – I’m too young to be dating Liz Phair or Kim Deal. And if I were to even bother with Kim Gordon, it would be that generational buzz word “infidelity.” Fine. Whatever, ladies. Take a good long look at me and think about what you’re missing. Now, if you excuse me, I have a blog to go write, and then I’m calling my parents to beg for more money.

B&T Girls

Hmm – I don’t know, she’s looks the stereotypical punk rock girl that my writer/artist/moonlight busboy-type should easily fall in love with. If you’re really going to believe that nonsense, you need to attend my Labor Day seminar at the Paramus Hilton: “We Can’t All Be Matthew McConaughey.” B&T girls aren’t so much endearing as they are painfully naive. They would be able to sell the store-bought urban look… if they didn’t also rock a Blackberry for no apparent reason. Does any of this sound bitter? Good, it should – WHY DID YOU DUMP ME, GINA MARIA DENATIO?!?! I LOVED YOU! I could have taken you away from all of your suburban colloquialism! You burned a hole in my heart! ...Call me?

Rodeo Bar & Grill 27th St.

375 3rd Avenue, New York, NY 10016

B&T crowd officially invaded downtown and this spot is their recon point. Be afraid, be very, very afraid.

Intern Girls

It’s their first summer in the big city. They’re young, fresh… and ready for the New York they’ve only ever seen in the movies. There are many simple joys in dating an intern girl, like the fact that you can lie about famous. But it gets awkward when those late-night phone calls start to happen. And then, those clever, sweet e-mails seem to become just sad and monotonous. And then, you show up at her job – with flowers and a poem that you “borrowed” from Tennyson – and all of a sudden the fun dies when you’re being dragged out out of the office by security. How ironic: these girls want romance, and yet they’re unhappy to see you every moment of every hour. This is why I date older women.