Chicago vs. Tokyo - An Intergalactic Space Battle!

by ElGuapo - November 13, 2008

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With the 2008 Summer Olympics soundly behind us, we only have eight more years of Michael Phelps commercials before the Olympics potentially come back in the United States in 2016. The International Olympic Committee has whittled down the potential host cities between Chicago, Rio de Janeiro, Tokyo and Madrid. Here is a breakdown using the eight official Olympic judging guidelines to see how the Windy Apple stacks up against the Land of Godzilla in the bid for 2016.

(1) Official Mascot

Tokyo: Yaku-San, the Super-Happy-Fun-Time Sunshine Kid

Chicago: Gerald the Geriatric Leprechaun

Analysis: Always choose a mascot that strikes fear into your opponent’s heart. 96% of test group members said that they found Gerald to be “very frightening and/or disturbing.”

Advantage: Chicago

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(3) City's Plan to Finance Infrastructure Improvements and New Stadium Costs

Chicago: Negotiated for 1% of profits on next Batman movie filmed in Chicago

Tokyo: Hiring ultra-smart Robot Accountants to figure it out.

Analysis: Even Ultra-smart Robot Accountants can only do so much in the current economic credit crunch. On the other hand, those Batman films just print money. Cha-ching!

Advantage: Chicago

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(4) Last Catastrophic Natural Disaster to Strike City

Toyko: Great Kanto earthquake of 1923

Chicago: Disaster Free since 1871 . (Eat it Toyko!!)

Analysis: Tokyo, has said that natural disasters are “tiny” and don’t pose a serious threat. Earthquakes? Tsunamis? Not a serious threat?!! Tokyo, dangerously unprepared for the Olympics.

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Advantage: Chicago all the way.

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FAKE NEWS: Tokyo to Hire 14,000 Volunteer Robot Firefighters for Olympics

Toyko, Japan — In a response to political attacks stating Tokyo was dangerously unprepared for the Olympics, Tokyo Mayor Shintaro Ishihara has agreed to hire 14,000 volunteer robot firefighters should Tokyo get the bid in 2016.

The 14,000 robots that make up the unpaid volunteer force come from all over Japan and all have day jobs in fields such as accountanting, construction, restaurant management and massage therapy.

While this robot force normally works on a volunteer basis in their respective home towns, should Tokyo win the bid, Robot Union representative, Takashi Yomimuri, has said that his robots would travel to Tokyo for the entirety of the Olympic festivities and work as independent contractors during their stay.

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(5) Better Celebrity Spokeman

Tokyo — Kobayashi, Tokyo native and six time world speed eating champion

Chicago — Bill Murray, Chicago native and celebrity film actor

Analysis—Caddyshack, Ghost Busters, Stripes, Meatballs. Need I say more?

One man is arguably greatest comedic actor ever. The other guy eats hot dogs.

Advantage: Chicago in a landslide.

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(7) Weather

Tokyo: Average Temperature in August, 78 degrees F

Chicago: Average Temperature in August, a balmy 46 degrees F

Analysis: Heatstroke is # 1 cause of athlete mortalities. Better to stay on the safe side with the cooler temperatures in Chicago.

Advantage: Chicago.

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FAKE NEWS: Chicago To Become Natural Disaster-Free Zone by 2012

Chicago, IL — In an effort to improve the city’s 2016 Olympic bid, Chicago Mayor, Richard Daley recently announced a $200 million dollar initiative to make Chicago a “natural disaster-free zone” by 2012.

This hard line stance. the so-called “War on Natural Disaster” will take effect this December and aims to end all earthquakes, tornadoes, floods and hurricanes in the greater Chicago area by 2012.

“No longer will the citizens of Chicago have to live in fear of natural disaster” announced Daley at a recent press conference, as tears rolled down the cheek of Chicago resident, Dave Milkan, whose great grandfather was the sole victim in the Chicago Mudslide of 1806.

“Damn right! It’s about time we take our streets back from natural disaster” said Milkan.

For months Daley has been recruiting members to a special task force to combat said natural disasters. Although it is unclear at this point who will head up the task force, insiders believe that Daley will tap former Bears Coach, Mike Ditka to become the anti-hurricane division chief, a pick that will likely receive bi-partisan support from city council members.

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(6) Eco-Friendliness

Tokyo — has pledged to host a carbon minus Olympics.

Chicago — Requiring that all Hot Dog Vendors go solar by 2010

Analysis: I’ve heard of carbon neutral but WTF is carbon minus? Is that even possible? I’m calling your bluff, Japan!

Advantage: Chicago

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FAKE NEWS: Chicago Launches Think Green Initiative

Not to be outdone by the Japanese pledge to go “carbon minus”, Chicago city managers have scrambled to come up with their own “Think Green” Initiative for the 2016 Olympics.

According to reports from the mayor’s office, "the bulk of the funds for the $60 million Think Green initiative will go towards purchasing millions of gallons of Hi-C Ecto Cooler, which the city normally uses to dye the Chicago River green on St. Patrick’s day. According to the report, the River will now remain permanently green until Thanksgiving each year as reminder to the rest of the world that Chicago has officially “gone green”.

Environmentalists and economists alike are dumbfounded by the initiative. “The mayor’s office really missed the mark with this one” says Melinda Richardson, a spokeswoman for the Natural Resources Defense Council.

However, not everyone is unhappy with the initiative. Another key piece of the legislation will increase recycling returns on cans of Pabts Blue Ribbon and Old Style beer from five cents per can to $1.50 per can, a platform that has received widespread appeal from area residents, many of whom have been recently laid off due to the economic downturn and will now be making more money for drinking beer at home then they were making previously in their crappy dead-end jobs.

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