Beijing's summer 2009 must-haves....... for fashion terrorists

The insanely short skirt

Long legs are feminine and almost unbeatable when it comes to sexiness. And yeeees, you can pair a short skirt with high heels. 

To a point.

Maybe I’m getting conservative with my old age, but whenever I see girls teaming an impossibly short skirt with health hazard high heels, it makes me cringe and use up every inch of my self control not to tell them that YES, there is something as too short. 

To make matters worse, this look is not reserved for nightclubs only, but for daily life, i.e work, grocery shopping and the absolute worst: taking the subway with all those stairs and escalators. Very classy ladies, very very classy.  

The 4 color rule

We’ve all been there: which should I wear? The cute blue dress that makes my breasts look impeccable or the new jeans I spent a fortune on and make my butt J.Lo-like? It’s like “Sophie’s choice” and after calling at least five friends and reassessing the situation after each call, I end up pulling my hairs in frustration and yelling “I CAN’T DO THIS!”. When I finally decide to go for the dress my frustration turns to rage when I realize it doesn’t go with my favorite shoes nor my favorite clutch. At that point every cell of my body is begging me to cancel my plans, put on my pajama and stuff my face with muffins. 

Well, Chinese girls found the perfect solution to the problem: just wear everything at the same. Different colors, different prints? Perfect, as long as the mix involves four different colors and two different prints. It’s a Pop Art approach to fashion gone horribly wrong.

The Bird's Nest

Here I was thinking The Bird’s Nest was a) the name of a traditional dessert b) the name of the stadium where the opening of the Olympics took place. I recently discovered The Bird’s Nest is also how most foreigners call the Hot Haircut Of The Summer, usually sniggering at the unfortunate girls who don them. Imagine massive bangs that almost reach the eyes teamed with the top layer of the hair in that frizzy 80s style hair and straight underneath it.
No, I did not smoke crack before writing that sentence.

The Puffy Shorts

Naturally, if you’re a Cool Hip Kid who steers clear Chinese brands and favors Korean and Japanese, your closet is filled with puffy shorts in all the colors of the rainbow. Actually, why stop there? Puffy skirts, puffy dresses, puffy sleeves.

You also own five different pairs of sneakers from Acupuncture Shoes in all classic models: neon yellow, neon fuchsia and neon green and match your shirt accordingly. This way your coolness will not go unnoticed, not even in the dark.

The blingier, the better

What’s the point of having access to every brand known to man and a booming jewelry business if you only get to wear one flashy item at the time? Once more, Chinese girls teach us a valuable lesson: if an item is beautiful on its own, it’s bound to look even better surrounded by 15 other beautiful things. Isn’t that the way it goes in shops displays?

So go right ahead and match gold with silver, gypsy earrings with pearls, sparkly hoops with colored necklaces. 

When Perms Go Bad

Whenever my friend leaves the house, at least one Chinese girl asks to touch her (my friend’s) natural curls. Chinese girls just got used to our bizarre hair colors but they simply cannot understand how can hair naturally come out curly.

Instead of using a curling iron, they get perms. Horrible perms, that transforms their hair in wet-poodle-fur-like-wigs. Tragic.

The Korean Funky Cap Curse

As for guys, there isn’t so much room for error because the less trendy the more manly a guy is. Say hello to badly cut jeans bought back when Mao was still alive and awful bowl haircuts. It’s awful but at least they’re not trying to look good.

Those who care about their looks actually pull it off much better than girls, coming out as something out of a Calvin Klein Japanese add. The only hiccup is the Korean funky cap: they’re colorful billboards for moronic sentences such as “single and hot” or “broz before hoz”, and they’re not cool unless worn sideways. Obviously.