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15 Things John McCain Needs To Do To Get My Vote
- by matt_fried
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- October 08, 2008
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This will be the second presidential election I've ever voted in, and I'm extremely excited. 2004 - as we all know - was something of a bland second installment. Not only did it lack the passion and excitement of the 2000 Election, but John Kerry was no Morgan Freeman, Gina Davis, or whatever other celebrity Hollywood thinks would be a good president. Anyway, my decision is already made, however, I always believe in hearing everyone out. John McCain, you once blew me away with your maverick politics. How can you make me change my mind? Here's a few things to consider (Author's Note: I am opting to represent the hip, 18-25, middle-class, white urbanite vote on this one).
Convince Me That Corporate Tax Cuts Will Actually Save The U.S. Economy
You insist that giving large corporations a tax break will help the economy out of a recession. Here’s my thing though: we live in a globalized economy, which helped lead to outsourcing as a standard business practice. If you’re giving corporations a tax cut – and no other incentive to bring work back to the U.S. – how is that going to make things BETTER? If I have a friend with a drinking problem, I’m not going to take him on a bar crawl and offer to pay his tab. That actually gives him NO reason to want to stop.
Promise To March In Every Single Gay Pride Parade of 2009
I don’t know if anyone has told you recently, but the gays have rights now. And they vote – en masse. I don’t know if they allow gay people in Arizona, but there’s a lot here in New York. You’re a 72 year old, war veteran with shrill hottie for a running mate. You may want to try some cross-over appeal. Rent the Wizard of Oz, listen to some Peter Allen, and get familiar with the taste of Cosmos. It’s your only hope.
Make Me Feel Okay About Sending My Kids To Iraq
Your foreign policy is controversial, at best, among many Americans. I agree that we need to continue attention towards the Middle East and The War On Terror, but I’m skeptical about sending people who aren’t even alive yet to fight in it, like my future children. I’m not over there right now because, I would make a horrible soldier, and because I never supported the War in Iraq. Military installations in the Middle East? Yes. Continue a war fought under false pretenses? Get the @#!% away from my kids.
Let Me Go Out On A Date With His Daughter, Megan
False: Most high-profile Republicans understand what’s happening in America. True: The more conservative the candidate, the hotter his kin. Your daughter, Megan, is my age and she seems cool enough. Here’s my pitch: I’m a good-looking, intelligent, gentleman with a wicked sense of humor and a mean addiction for skeeball. At 25, I’m looking to meet new people and have an open mind about where things could go. College grad (two thumbs up). I’m not asking for much, Johnny. Megan and I could just start the night with drinks, and see where it goes from there.
Explain To Me How Affordable Health Insurance Happens
You talk quite a bit about how important affordable health coverage is in this country. Awesome, I’m listening. Yet your whole plan is once again based around the corporate tax cut principle. Uh, okay. Once the companies are spending less money annually, that will provoke them – out of the goodness of their hearts – to bestow their employees with affordable health care. It’s all part of a magical “Trickle Down” Effect. Because when we stand by the same economic policy Herbert Hoover advocated 86 years ago, everybody wins.
Stop Calling Me Your "Friend"
Clearly, you have certain buzz words and catch phrases that your campaign insists will make you more likable. However, you don’t just make love to the term “My friends” – you take it out for a night on the town, buy it a steak dinner at Palm, take in a Broadway show, get a drink at The Oak Room with it, rent the most expensive room at the W Hotel, make deep, passionate, “Oh My God, I can’t feel my legs” love to it – John McCain – and then leave it while it still sleeps in bed the next morning. Of course, to your credit, you do make sure it has been paid for its services and companionship, plus has some cab fare home.
Don't Talk To Me As If I'm 5
“My friends”. “Countries That Don’t Like Us Very Much”. “I did…”. “I reached across the aisle”. “I am…”. John McCain, you know why most young people don’t like you? Because you talk to us as if we know absolutely nothing about the world. Actually, you don’t talk to us – you talk down to us. As if, if we elected you, you know better and we needn’t worry at all. Did you think I didn’t notice that you wouldn’t allow yourself, once, to look at Obama in the eye during the first debate? I’m 25. I pay taxes. Guess what? My money is going into your Medicare.
Find A Way To Reverse Age To Your Early Forties
I hate to rub salt in the wound, but you’re 72 years old. I’m not saying that a 72 year old man can’t be president, but when you were my age (25), The Beatles hadn’t even come to America yet. Your opponent is three generations removed from you. When my grandfather talked about how he would change the world, he didn’t run for president; he just rambled until he fell asleep in his easy chair.
Reveal That Your Are Actually "Evil McCain"
John McCain, you were awesome in 2000. It was a shame that I couldn’t vote back then, because I would have backed you above all the other candidates. No really – I would have. And, even after you returned to the Senate, I crushed on you big time. But now, you’re crazy. You’ve become more neo-con than neo-con AND YOU’RE STILL NOT NEO-CON ENOUGH for most people. So, John McCain in 2008 has to be an evil clone of John McCain in 2000. Where is your goatee?!?!?
Listen To A Jay-Z Album
’Nuff said.
Listen To A Vampire Weekend Album
Okay, yes: so they sound like that hippie Paul Simon. But all the kids are listening to them. In fact, they are playing a massive tour around the country right now. I know they’re not the Dixieland Jazz Band or John Philip Sousa, but most kids today don’t know who either of those people are. You may want to consider that.
Beat Me At Arm Wrestling
Just like Stallone in Over The Top. You. Me. Sarah Palin in a cheerleader’s outfit. And the entire city of New York watching us. Best two out of three. The winner makes the call in November.
Check The Links
Show Me Proof That You Can Actually Move Anything Below Your Neck
Is it just me, or is McCain’s entire body actually a collection of unused body parts from lesser presidential candidates? Clearly, he got a great deal on Al Gore’s stiff back and Bob Dole’s condescending rhetoric. It bothers me that he is “adequately mobile” at best. Of course, bring that up, and everyone will insist “But he’s a war hero!”
Coach An Underdog Football Team To A National Championship
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that Emilio Estevez was able to stare at Iceland in the face and win one for the USA. Therefore, anyone who can run a champion sports franchise can easily run the American government.
Make An Appearance On "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia"
What can I say? I’m a fan. Plus, it would be pretty hilarious.
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.jpg "Chelsea")
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How about saying…..“Sarah Palin? Oh, JK!!! Gotcha!”
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brilliant. I don’t know how I feel about his “Popeye’esque” grimace. Terrifying.
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He looks so good in his 40s! Kind of reminds me of Elaine’s boss in Seinfeld. Peterman?
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