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- Neighborhood
- Park Slope, Brooklyn
- Where I'm From
- Haddonfield, New Jersey
- Occupation
- Comedian, Writer, Mercenary For Hire
- Website
About Me
Two year New Yorker with South Jersey roots. My story is one that starts humbly and turns rather fanciful. I'm a comedian and writer, who's clocked in time at Upright Citizens Brigade, The Peoples Improv Theater, and Improv Olympic (iO) in Chicago. I've lived in three of the five boroughs, studied at Oxford University, made love to enough women to score double digits, yet I never learned how to ride a bike. That's irony, Alanis. This is my New York City.
- My Guides
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Contributions
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.jpg "10 Albums That Will Save A Teenage Loser's Life")
10 Albums That Will Save A Teenage Loser's Life
Being a rock nerd is something of a curious position. This is assuming you choose to adore an art form for which you have no discernible talent. Rather, music is an alternate form of expression, comfort, companionship - something that, really, the written word alone cannot express. Also, us fickle teenage freaks secretly hoped that someone would recognize our astute taste and offer us a writer's job, undying devotion and popularity, or will at least be impressed enough to want to have sex wit...
.jpg "10 Things Barack Obama Needs To Do To Keep My Vote")
10 Things Barack Obama Needs To Do To Keep My Vote
Barack Obama, you had me at "Hello." Of course, Mr. Obama I am not one to easily be fooled. Don't get me wrong: you're great; but I've just survived eight years of George W. Bush. The fact is I don't buy the hype until I hear what someone has to say. Voting by de facto seems a bit shallow to me, so: you want to keep my vote Mr. Obama? I'm going to make you work for it.
.jpg "10 Things To Do If You Hate Halloween")
10 Things To Do If You Hate Halloween
Here's the sad truth: not everyone likes Halloween. For some people, the holiday is about fun and sex-infused escapades with candy apples. For the rest of us, it can mean something far more grating: children knocking on our door, scantily clad women that still won't sleep with us, the annual clogging of 6th Avenue for seven hours straight. Unless, you have a party to get to, or a sexy Robin to go hide in the Batcave with, Halloween in New York City can be everything but exciting. Are you goin...
.jpg "15 Things John McCain Needs To Do To Get My Vote")
15 Things John McCain Needs To Do To Get My Vote
This will be the second presidential election I've ever voted in, and I'm extremely excited. 2004 - as we all know - was something of a bland second installment. Not only did it lack the passion and excitement of the 2000 Election, but John Kerry was no Morgan Freeman, Gina Davis, or whatever other celebrity Hollywood thinks would be a good president. Anyway, my decision is already made, however, I always believe in hearing everyone out. John McCain, you once blew me away with your maverick p...
.jpg "Animal Vs. Man, Etc.")
Animal Vs. Man, Etc.
For all of existence, mankind and animals have waged an epic war for dominance on this planet. Now, in the age of the internet, it finally comes to a head. Whose side are you on? The animals? Or mankind's? Only one will win...
.jpg "Apartment Nightmares in New York")
Apartment Nightmares in New York
Every New Yorker has them: the story from apartment hell. It's a rite of passage. Every New Yorker has seen their living situation go sour. The list of possibilities is endless: psycho roommates, infestation, landlord, slumlord, robbery, neighbors, eviction, scam - you name it, it's happened to someone standing on a subway platform, waiting for the F train. Personally, I believe that you're not a true New Yorker until you have one of these god-awful experiences. Because, if nothing else, now ...
.jpg "A Short History of Presidential $%!# Ups")
A Short History of Presidential $%!# Ups
Election years are always tough for candidates. Imagine submitting every aspect of your personal and professional life to national scrutiny for at least ten months. Rough. Thankfully, everybody tends to forget about "The Other Guy" after November 4th. However, the winner is a whole different story. Without question, George W. Bush has set a new standard of... "everyman-ing-ness". But, we needn't forget that this guy wasn't the first; he was just the most obvious. Join me (won't you?) for a lo...
.jpg "Ask Matt Fried, GSpot Dating Expert")
Ask Matt Fried, GSpot Dating Expert
Matt Fried, Guidespot's foremost expert on the male perspective of dating, is making himself available to take your questions. Anything you've ever wanted to know about romance, dating, even marriage - he's got an answer. The lines are opening.
.jpg "Booze, Boobs, and Baudelerie in New York")
Booze, Boobs, and Baudelerie in New York
Every New Yorker is addicted to something. My old adage is that it's usually either sex, drugs, or coffee... or in some cases, all three. There's a bit more to go with that, but apparently The Man (read: AlexF) wants us all to keep it PG-13. Suffice to say, we all want to pretend that we are way more in control of our life in this city than anyone else. But here's the sad truth: we're all human. I'm sorry, Virginia, but you're just as much of a psycho as the guy across from you on the E train...
.jpg "Channeling Woody In New York")
Channeling Woody In New York
Woody Allen has crafted a brilliant career at being a self-loathing, quasi-intellectual mensch. For over forty years, he has been making movies in New York, about New York, with very few apologies to anyone who doesn't live here. Some of us consider him a hero, while everybody else is trying to figure out how he bedded so many shiksas in the '70s. Anyway, he may not be telling any secrets soon, but we can still guess. Break out the Nietzche, pour yourself some coffee, and get ready to hate ev...
.jpg "Chasing Ferris Bueller... in New York")
Chasing Ferris Bueller... in New York
The New York daily grind can kill you after a while. So why not phone in sick and actually enjoy the city for a day? Summer is just on the horizon and, to quote the Fresh Prince, "the weather is hot and girls are dressing less." The excel spreadsheets will still be there when you come back, but when humidity shows up it stays. I think you're beginning to catch my drift...
.jpg "Death In New York City")
Death In New York City
It's seems like a million things happen in New York. As Dennis Leary once said "There's a million great ways to die in this town." What's scary is it's true. From the highly romanticized to the pathetically tragic, you could really bite it any way you want in The Big Apple. Just do me a favor, don't do it anywhere me - I don't have time to be a witness.
.jpg "Defeat Your New York Enemy")
Defeat Your New York Enemy
Every New Yorker has one great enemy, be it high rent or a Facebook stalker. This city wouldn't be half as interesting without boiling some blood. Think you've known crimes of passion? Live or die, by honor? Stand toe-to-toe with some of these instances and then we'll talk...
.jpg "Disappointing Your Parents Every Day In New York")
Disappointing Your Parents Every Day In New York
You were the apple of your dad's eye; mom knew you were destined for great things. In you, your parents placed their hopes and dreams for happiness and success. And then, you ruined it all for them by getting a "straight-edge" tattoo... on the front of your hands. That - as you know by now - was only the tip of th iceberg. Things change from generation-to-generation and your parents understand that, they're just not happy with it. Of course they will always love you, even if you turn-out to b...
.jpg "Don't You Love The Brooklyn Music Scene?")
Don't You Love The Brooklyn Music Scene?
You are not cool enough for the Brooklyn music scene. Don't worry; most of us aren't. Since 2000, barely a handful of bands have broken into the national scene from whatever remains of East Coast independent music. In the wake of their success, the veil was torn from Maya and Brooklyn was exposed to America as a haven for every wanna-be Tom Verlaine and Patti Smith. Does knowing any of this make you cooler? Nope. Don't even try to fight the system. Just get on the L train, get off at Bedford ...
.jpg "Dumped and Being Dumped In New York")
Dumped and Being Dumped In New York
She's gone. It's over. Just deal with it. What went wrong? I dunno - she wasn't my girlfriend. Every guy in New York has had "a break-up" and "The New York break-up." It's no joke. This is the break-up that leaves a man devastated; sobbing in the corner of his apartment with a bottle of Maker's while Joy Division plays in the background. You have to understand, the New York City he and his ex shared is now officially dead. He might as well move to Denver. For the next three weeks, he will act...
.jpg "Eight Ways To Kill Time During Labor Day In New York City")
Eight Ways To Kill Time During Labor Day In New York City
It's the last official holiday weekend of the summer. Hope you had a blast, because now we all have to prepare for turkey and regretful family gatherings, FOLLOWED by four months of a bleak Chekhovian existence (read: winter). I don't know about the rest of you, but after Labor Day, I usually tend to drink myself into a dark oblivion. When I wake up it's the end of April, and I've lost so much weight! Anyway, before we all break out the J. Crew sweaters and pretend like Thanksgiving even matt...
.jpg "Escape From Manhattan (An On-Going Series)")
Escape From Manhattan (An On-Going Series)
Manhattan is where it's at, there is no question. Thousands of people live and work in the Big Apple and love it. But when rent started getting steep and things got a bit hectic, droves of Manhattanites relocated to the outer boroughs. After twenty years of gentrification, the 718 is still a major mystery to most New Yorkers. Knowing that, I am taking up a self-righteous cause: becoming the Borough Buddha to the Manhattan Unelightened. Ladies and gentlemen - welcome to Park Slope, Brooklyn.
.jpg "Everybody Loves A New York Jew")
Everybody Loves A New York Jew
Fall in New York means only one thing: The Jewish World Series. Four weeks out of the year, roughly from mid-September to mid-October, four major Jewish holidays help ring in the new year on the Hebrew calendar: Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, Sukkot, and Shemini Atzeret/Torah. Sure, to the Christian world, these holidays are simple known as "non-Christmas", but to every Jew and semi-Jew in New York, it's an opportunity to take off work, get together with the family, and kvetch in the new year. Ju...
.jpg "Extermely Overrated Movies")
Extermely Overrated Movies
It's the movie that everybody loves... except you. Not that you out-and-out HATE any movie; but there are some flicks - cherished by the rest of Western Civilization - that you just can't stand. It truly is a matter of taste on this one, and yours just isn't feeling it.
.jpg "Fear, Loathing, and Barhopping in Downtown New York")
Fear, Loathing, and Barhopping in Downtown New York
Downtown is where all the cool kids hang out. Unfortunately, at one point a real estate developer showed up, and now the boring kids think they're just as interesting. I hate the yuppie scum as much as anyone else, but it's a given fact that they're everywhere nowadays. Even worse: they started dating hipsters in hopes the irony would rub off on them. I guess every junior investment banker wants to impress his colleagues with a good Pavement reference. Anyway, never fear humble alcoholic - I...
.jpg "Financial Crisis-Palooza New York 2008!")
Financial Crisis-Palooza New York 2008!
The stock market plummeted. Utter mayhem ensued. And Queens of The Stone Age played a killer closing set. I can't believe it - but the International Financial Crisis of 2008 is over. Without question, the best one yet. So many people have always talked about how awesome The Great Depression was, but finally we have something equal to that. And in our lifetime. Oh my God, you guys - IT ROCKED! I partied with Kanye West on the Empire State Building! I got to hang out with Ben Bernanke and talk ...
.jpg "Geniuses Don't Get Writer's Block")
Geniuses Don't Get Writer's Block
Your eyes are starting to bleed. It's amazing how the white plane of a blank Word document begins to turn into some weird Magic Eye painting. Of course, you have been staring at your computer for two straight hours. Nothing. Nada. The next Great American Novel seems to really only be a sentence, and your roommate's new Entourage DVD box set looks so enticing. True enough, one of the great struggles of any writer - especially a wunderkind like myself - is staying prolific. Or, in most cases, a...
.jpg "Get Obnoxious in New York")
Get Obnoxious in New York
There are only two kinds of New York tourists: the annoying and the murderable. For all of their "sparkling" qualities, most New Yorkers would prefer to do without either. Unfortunately, when you live in the largest city on the planet, not the case... ever. So I say: instead of beating them, annoy them at their own game. I know that most tourists don't mean to harm anyone... but can you really say "No." to this opportunity?
.jpg "Great Americans")
Great Americans
There are so few American heroes alive in this day and age. Yes, it is an election year, but politicians can be downright dubious. When was the last time a politician did anything for you? Anyway, I wanted to take time out to salute the real heroes of this great country. Men and women, who have put honor on the line and giving so much back. We at Guidespot salute you!
.jpg "Happy Emo Thanksgiving")
Happy Emo Thanksgiving
Forget the Christmas miracle. If you want a holiday rife with melodramatics and Garden State theatrics, welcome to Thanksgiving. Leave it to turkey day to give you enough fuel for the emotional fire to last until Memorial Day weekend. The holiday has the makings of all great things frustrating: food, cold weather, fun reunions, and pining for anything that's worth a good pining. Want a great emo Thanksgiving? Grab a few of these tips, down a couple of beers, and put all of your ex-girlfriends...
.jpg "How To Ace Your Finals")
How To Ace Your Finals
Well, it's that time of year again, kids. Before you can book your plane tickets home, say goodbye to your roommate, and plan a whole month of doing nothing, one last test stands before you: Final Exams. Cheer up - it can't be that bad. I remember finals only counting towards 10% of my grade in college; of course, I also went to a school where a dog was once valedictorian. Anyway, before you begin to calculate how many sleeping pills could result in oblivion, just consider that taking finals ...
.jpg "How To Bomb As A New York Comedian")
How To Bomb As A New York Comedian
"Dying is easy, comedy is hard." quipped actor/director Donald Wolfit before he shuffled off this mortal coil. Once again, common sense holds no candle to the last words of an old British guy. Two years ago, I signed up for my first improv class at The Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre. Since then, my comedy career has steadily mutated into sketch and stand-up as well. You would think having a wider range would make things easier - never the case. No matter how long you've been doing comedy, y...
.jpg "How To Creep Her Out On The First Date")
How To Creep Her Out On The First Date
"Was it something I said?" Many times, the first date never goes as planned. But there are those choice, wonderful instances when you say something that officially escalates the evening's status to "crash and burn." As I personally believe, we're all a little psychotic - so it's never anyone one person's fault... unless that person insists you apologize. Anyway, maybe you'll be stuck in one of instances where you actually want the date to go FUBAR. A few examples: you're dating your best frie...
.jpg "How To Love A New York Pervert")
How To Love A New York Pervert
If there is one argument I hate in this city, it's the lame "New York sucks" argument. Understandably, certain longtime New Yorkers have a point: things used to be cheaper, sleazier, and way more interesting. I was just as bummed as everyone else when CGBGs closed in 2006, and I was way more peeved when John Varvatos bought the space from the Bowery Residents' Committee with plans to turn it into a boutique. But that all said, New York is a city of change and even the sleaze gets more upsca...
.jpg "Hunting The Great White New York Apartment")
Hunting The Great White New York Apartment
Finding an apartment in New York City, kinda like trying to date a natural blonde in L.A., except with a co-op board. Apartment hunting in New York is both thrilling and agony-inducing, depending on your situation. It's easy to find the place of your dreams, but if it's not the price that will kill you, then try the application process. It's never incredibly easy, but it can always be manageable, with some advice from a veteran.
.jpg "I Am A New York Nerd")
I Am A New York Nerd
The laws of the jungle go as stated: only the strongest survive. The strongest, of course, are not so much the ones who can club an mastodon, but rather trade stocks by day and Dungeon Master by night. That's right: the nerds rule on this one. The fact is that we make life way more interesting for the people in this city. If you would care to debate me, let's grab a Jamba Juice, hit up a comic shop, and talk my friend.
.jpg "I Am A Workaholic")
I Am A Workaholic
We all have those periods in our life when it seems like work just piles up. Of course, we're often focusing on stuff like meeting deadlines, being to-the-point, watching our backs for competition. In the process though, we have a tendency to forget about the one thing that matters: ourselves. Or, our sanity. Consider this community guide a carpet to scream on, as we all vent a bit of frustration about letting our work get in the way of play.
.jpg "I Am So Over...")
I Am So Over...
We're at the home stretch of the election season. The year is coming to an end. By the end of this month, the holiday season will be in full swing. Time to empty out our druthers about whatever it is that gets on our nerves. Namely, that of pop culture. Man, somebody help me...
.jpg "If I Could Live Anywhere Else...")
If I Could Live Anywhere Else...
I love living in New York. But, sometimes, a guy can't help but wonder what life is like on the other side. Let's face it: it's expensive, it's loud, everybody here is a weirdo. Sanity is a little hard to come by. So sue me if there are some other spots in the world where I've contemplated relocation.
.jpg "Illadelph New York")
Illadelph New York
In 2005, The New York Times dubbed Philadelphia "the Sixth Borough" because of the city's large influx of expat New Yorkers. Yet the same has been true here in New York for decades. I should know: I'm one of them. Philadelphians and Delaware Valley-ians alike have journeyed to NYC to make a home and new life. But the fact is: you can take the boy out of Philly, but he always misses a good post-game screaming match about Donovan McNabb. Luckily, a new phenomenon seems to have occurred: Little ...
.jpg "I See Porn... Everywhere!")
I See Porn... Everywhere!
Oh, our crumbling civilization. Have we really gotten to the point where all we do is think about gratuitous sex? In short answer, yes. We could blame this phenomenon on several factors: the change in social mores, a willingness to accommodate the lowest common denominator... the fact that we all could just be perverts. Whatever the case, one thing is true: we have sex on the brain. So, go ahead: indulge yourself here. You know you want to. C'mon - I won't tell anybody. Just make sure you mu...
.jpg "Is New York Baseball Cursed?")
Is New York Baseball Cursed?
The Philadelphia Phillies enjoy the pedigree of being a champions while The New York Mets, once again, lick their wounds. The Boston Red Sox have claimed two storied championships while The New York Yankees are mired in mediocrity. 2008 was supposed to be the season in which New Yorkers could have craved another Subway Series. After all, both the historic Yankee and Shea Stadiums were getting ditched after this year. However, one team - the bastion of baseball greatness - finally fell after a...
.jpg "I Wish I Could...")
I Wish I Could...
Didn't we all have childhood fantasies? Truth is, I still do. Who wouldn't love to do something awesome that no other human being can do? Here's hoping...
.jpg "Kinda Obsessed With Foreign TV")
Kinda Obsessed With Foreign TV
I don't watch TV as much as I used to, thank a social life that starts at 7:30 p.m. for that one. Anyway, since I'm still cable-less and since DVDs are slowly filling my apartment, I get my hands on some random stuff from around the world. It doesn't begin and end with the BBC. Actually, I would call my obsession with foreign programming only the beginning. Drugs. Sex. Coffee. Nope. My addiction is random. Any and all of it...
.jpg "Let's Make A Movie In New York")
Let's Make A Movie In New York
You're sick and tired of getting glossed over at open calls. It's become very hard to feign happiness when you friend out your friend from drama school just landed another national commercial. So, what do you? TIME TO MAKE YOUR OWN MOVIE! What better way to grab the attention of a casting director than by writing, directing, producing, and starring in your own vanity project? It's going to be awesome... you, um, you do have a budget, right? Permission to shoot on-location? Union waivers? A sc...
.gif "Life (And Death) After 25 in New York")
Life (And Death) After 25 in New York
Huh, why can I see more of my scalp? Why am I getting a buzz after a beer and a half? 11:00 p.m. get-to-together on a Tuesday?!?! I have to be at work in the morning! Wait - why is that an issue? Oh no... I'm an adult! That's right Walter Mitty, your uber-youthful days are behind you; welcome to being a grown-up, or a bad case of arrested development. I really don't care which one you choose because I've got my own problems, like how does no one remember the first single ever released by Col...
.jpg "Living The Dream and Paying The Bills in New York")
Living The Dream and Paying The Bills in New York
So, you've decided to become an actor in New York. Awesome! Get to the back of the line. All joking aside, you want to be an actor? Great, break a leg - you have a long road ahead. Before success can come, everybody has to pay their dues in this town. Along with getting the part, you've got to find an apartment, get a paycheck, health insurance would be nice, oh - and let's not forget about landing a commercial agent, or at least getting friendly with a few casting directors. Sure enough, the...
.jpg "Love In New York City")
Love In New York City
The common mistake made in Western Civilization is that it's only women who seem to care about love, especially in a place like New York. If that's true, then why do most guys in this city still pine for the girl that made their lives a living hell? True enough, romance can be kinder to men than women: it's cool for us to date younger, stay single longer, make more discreet financial arrangements with certain practitioners for specific services. But that all said, we can get our hearts broken...
.gif "Low Rent Dating In New York")
Low Rent Dating In New York
This past week, Julia Allison in Time Out: New York asked the question: "Whatever happened to the cheap date?" Apparently with Ms. Allison, there's a lot of charm in the simple pleasures of life, to which I say "You around this weekend?" Joking aside though, I never knew it was okay to run with the cheap date. I figured always go with the "moderately priced" date, or the "charmingly inexcessive" date - but never the "cheap date." However, if New York has taught me anything, it's that you lear...
.jpg "My Favorite Vampire")
My Favorite Vampire
Vampires. The coolest of all the Hollywood fright monsters out there. They live forever. They're dead sexy. Some of them know martial arts. Others are ducks. They can kick over Frankenstein, destroy werewolves, and train zombies to be their army of the undead. So, who's your favorite?
.jpg "My Life In TV")
My Life In TV
I watched way too much TV as a kid. So much so, that - after a couple of months of therapy - I understand why I'm wont to just stay indoors for hours at a time. In the era of the DVD, it seems like all of the shows we loved as kids (cartoon and otherwise) have somehow resurfaced like an outbreak of herpes. So, what's your guilty pleasure? Y'know it. It's sitting at home in a box set, next to the first season of Lost and Arrested Development. Yeah, I get it: you totally bought it as a joke gif...
.jpg "New York Celebrities Worth Stalking")
New York Celebrities Worth Stalking
New York has its own brand of everything: pizza, baseball, and celebrities. What exactly qualifies a New York celebrity? An address helps... that one actually lives at for more than three months out of the year. Also, being a scene-maker and actual cultural asset to the city wouldn't hurt either. This is why I'm always more inclined to melt through the floor when I see one of these celebs in a restaurant, bar, or public bathroom. It's not just that they're famous - they're New York, too. Luck...
.jpg "New York Makes Emo Boys Cry")
New York Makes Emo Boys Cry
Asking an emo kid "How're you doing?" is a loaded question whose answer could constitute manslaughter. Every year, hundreds of emo kids show up in New York with big dreams of being famous for something and hooking-up with an Olsen twin. Yet, New York maybe be a little too hard for even the most sensitive emo kid. Join me, (will you?) as we examine the do-or-die existence of an adolescent by-product. I give you: Johnny Crybaby's big day in the city.
.jpg "New York Men Are @#!holes")
New York Men Are @#!holes
The fact is: sometimes I give my sex a bit more credit than we're due. Yes, we are amazing. After all, man did invent fire and David Hasselhoff's career. But not all of us can be models of sophistication and modesty. In fact most of us are downright jerks. Pigs, if you really want to get to it. If I were a young, female, twenty-six year old professional with a fresh promotion, a pair of killer heels, and a take-no-prisoners attitude towards life, I would just as quickly reach for my keychain ...
.jpg "New York Mix Tape")
New York Mix Tape
Hey! Look at me! I'm a snarky New York writer with erudite music tastes and an uncomfortable fondness for Ira Glass. So most people may think. In these discerning times, it gets hard to be genuine in New York, especially with one's musical tastes. I'm not in the mind-blowing business (at least, not on purpose anyway), so I don't walk around bragging about what's on my iPod... that is until I decided to write a guide about it. It's my New York Mix Tape, made up of bands and musicians that not ...
.jpg "New York Nighthawk")
New York Nighthawk
There are, in fact, two New Yorks. The one I know best is the one that shows up around 10:30 at night. The vibe of late night New York is incredibly different and you either love or you fear it. For me, my entire first year in New York was checkered with late night run-ins, long subway rides home to the 'hood, and becoming part of a world that was unlike anything I'd ever seen. I miss those days. Thankfully for all of you, I've yet to forget them.
.jpg "New York Women Are Psychos")
New York Women Are Psychos
I've dated many females in my time. Occasionally, I've woken up next to another guy; we're both confused, frightened, and wondering why the room smells like Abercrombie cologne - but that's a different story. True enough, in most cases, I've found myself romantically entangled with New York females - and I've found they are all crazy. That's right: I'm not the problem, they are. I've gotten it all: the blow-offs from hipster girls, the 3 a.m. phone calls from bawling actresses, the "Hey! Stop...
.jpg "One Awesome Christmas")
One Awesome Christmas
Christmas has always been my favorite holiday. Presents. Family. An excuse to be drunk all the time for a solid week. We always want an awesome Christmas (or Hanukkah, or Ramadan, or etc.). So what was one of yours?
.jpg "Paranoid New Yorker")
Paranoid New Yorker
Face it, America: we live in frightening times. Terrorist attacks. Political divisions. FOX's new fall line-up. For decades, cult after cult has claimed that the Apocalypse is on the horizon. Maybe not, but it sure is enough to make me fear leaving my apartment ever again. Luckily, because of the internet and human laziness, we all can make that dream a reality. Behold all you paranoid whack-jobs and single folk - a single-handed guide that will help you maintain the least amount of human con...
.jpg "Pledge Night In New York")
Pledge Night In New York
The phenomenon of '00s New York has been the reinvention of the frat boy. Once a creature that was confined to the cornfields of Ohio and the parking lots of the Meadowlands during a Giants game, it was allowed to roam free and unbothered. But one day, one got away from the pack and ended up in Manhattan. Did he fight or flight? Even worse, he rented an apartment on East 89th Street. In the years to follow, a bit too many of his friends showed up as well. Brace yourself New York - Phi Beta Cl...
.jpg "Positively Matt Fried, in New York and Elsewhere")
Positively Matt Fried, in New York and Elsewhere
Matt Fried remains an enigma, and that's the way he likes it. What do you need to know about him at this point? Writer, comedian, New Yorker, singer, musician, icon, iconoclast, smoke and mirrors, former student body president, beatnik, weirdo, everyman, Nobel Peace Prize finalist. If you ever mention "Voice of His Generation" anywhere in his earshot, he winces and stares you down from his black sunglasses. For years he has spoken in code and limericks, but he has finally decided to break dow...
.jpg "Puke York City")
Puke York City
Garbage on the street. Late-night parties. Rats with a mind of their own. Humidity that turns your outfit into a sauna: welcome to July in New York City. Not surprisingly, this is also when New York finds itself becoming desolate. The heat and agitation gets everyone thinking about staying anywhere but in The Big Apple. Some of us, though, can't exactly afford a beach house down at the Jersey Shore, so we're stuck in the yuck. Of course there are upsides to a summer in the city, but truthfull...
.jpg "Return of The New York Gentleman")
Return of The New York Gentleman
Monogamy is very 2007; actually, it's very 1997, which would then make it very 1991. It seems like there are just as many midtwentysomethings with plans to get hitched in this city as there are "free stress tests" in Midtown. Often, I wonder whatever happened to the idea of the New York bachelor: the care-free gentleman who lived as he pleased with dignity and style. No hang-ups, no bitter rivalries, and definitely no clingy significant others breathing down his neck. Unfortunately in recent ...
.jpg "Reunite DAMMIT!")
Reunite DAMMIT!
Well, 2008 surely has been the turning point of the decade. Never mind the election, the World Series, Dark Knight Returns... I'm actually listening to a LEGAL copy of Chinese Democracy, the red herring of the music industry for the last fifteen years. Axl Rose finally fulfilled his promise to thousands of Guns N' Roses fans by delivering the album they been waiting for for almost two decades. Once again, hope is restored in the universe. Now, with only a few mere weeks left in this magical y...
.jpg "She's Not That Into You... Or Is She?")
She's Not That Into You... Or Is She?
The greatest conundrum of mankind (and womankind - DAMN YOU, PROP 8!) would not be something frivolous like curing disease, balancing the budget, or time-travel. It's so much bigger: is that girl flirting with me? It seems like a good possibility: she's extremely attractive, she did smile at you, and she sounds interested in anything you have to say... or, is she just being nice? Wait, did she just check her watch? Why is she kind of looking over my shoulder? The truth is: some people just lo...
.jpg "So, Your Girlfriend Is A Lesbian...")
So, Your Girlfriend Is A Lesbian...
Okay - so, every guy's nightmare has come true to you: you've been replaced by another woman. Ouch. Now, there's a whole host of reasons why this could have happened. Maybe, you were that bad of a boyfriend to her (nah). Maybe, she always knew she was gay and this was a case of extremely bad timing (very possible). Or, maybe, you've awakened a long-mythologized female chromosome that will inevitably drive all women into the arms of the nearest Rosie O'Donnell look-a-like (totally believable)....
.jpg "So, You've Decided To Try Internet Dating In New York")
So, You've Decided To Try Internet Dating In New York
So, you've decided to seek out love online, without the social stigmata of a chat room and the police entrapment charm of Craigslist. Welcome to the 21st Century; now get ready to have your expectations lowered. It's funny how something - like internet dating - was once laughable at the beginning of the decade, but has now achieved social acceptance barely eight years later. Here's the truth: we've all done it at some point; I'll even cop to that. It's fun and it's great fodder for material. ...
.jpg "Splitting A Bagel With Buddha In New York")
Splitting A Bagel With Buddha In New York
Inner peace and New York City can sound about relevant as Axl Rose reuniting with the original Guns N Roses. But it is possible... trying (sometimes), but possible. I first became interested in Buddhism before I left for college. Though I spent my early twenties often flip-flopping between Enlightenment and, uh, being a college student, I finally decided to make a decent go of it in 2008. Consider this an open invitation down one path of enlightenment. You can take, or leave anything you want...
.jpg "Subway Surf")
Subway Surf
Poet Jim Carroll used to write about subway surfing. Hip hop movies in the 1980s turned the New York subway into tag tanks. Now, things are much different. However every train has it's own personality. After living in New York for two years, I'd like to think I know a thing or two.
.jpg "Swing Like The New York B & T Elite")
Swing Like The New York B & T Elite
"Bridge and Tunnel" is a euphemism that, sadly, went out with "affordable studio apartment." That doesn't mean though that New York suburbanites still aren't interesting. For decades, dwellers on the north end of New Jersey and the entire hemisphere of Long Island have showed up in Manhattan to play, party, and act as if they own the place; albeit, a four block radius of the place. I've put in my time with these fascinating and frightening creatures. Though I never desire to be one ever again...
.jpg "Take A Band, Leave A Band")
Take A Band, Leave A Band
Some of the most exciting stuff happening in music isn't going to be showing up on the Wal-Mart sales rack any time soon. Instead of scouring the pages of Myspace for hours, do the rest of the internet a favor and drop the name of some of your must-listens right now, along with some spots the rest of us can find their music.
.jpg "The Cheap Laughs In New York")
The Cheap Laughs In New York
Improv and sketch comedy landed in New York in 1996 via four upstarts from Chicago who opened The Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre. In 2002, Second City alum Ali Farahnakian started The Peoples Improv Theater to give breadth to the community. Following Ali's lead, Armando Diaz opened The Magnet Theater in 2005. Today, all three institutions continue the legacy of comedy guru Del Close, who trained The UCB Four, Farahnakian, and Diaz, along with Tina Fey, Mike Myers, John Belushi, Chris Far...
.jpg "The Dealbreaker")
The Dealbreaker
Happiness seems so easily attainable these days. All it really takes is a fair amount of denial. We all have things in the relationships of our lives we wish we could change. However, don't you sometimes wonder if maybe you've let a few things go too far? What exactly is the final straw that makes something go from "tolerable" to "no $%#!ing way"?
.jpg "The Gentleman's Guide To Getting Laid In College")
The Gentleman's Guide To Getting Laid In College
Okay boys: school is in session. Welcome to college, where you can be anyone, and do anyone. That's right - it's time for all those crazy hi-jinks that years of Hollywood frat comedies have prepared you for: having sex. Contrary to popular belief, most college sex is regrettable and/or decent at best. That is, of course, unless you take active measure to improve over time. Look, maybe things are different from when I was an undergrad, but I highly doubt that, what with the advent of the inter...
.jpg "The Gentleman's Guide To Rejection in New York")
The Gentleman's Guide To Rejection in New York
I was out the other night with some friends I hadn't seen since high school. When I say "friends" I actually mean "people who vaguely knew my name and face". Anyway, you know how it goes. At one person's insistence, she wanted to know had I ever written a dating guide pertaining to rejection. Well, sure - but it turns out she wasn't talking about getting dumped. She was talking about barely making it past "Hello". Do I dare brave this territory? Should I actually reveal to the internet that t...
.jpg "The Gentleman's Guide To The New York Hook-Up")
The Gentleman's Guide To The New York Hook-Up
Sex is tough in this town. If it isn't the clingers that will kill you, your own ego will do it instead. My Guidespot counterpart, Chelsea, claims that "meeting guys in bars" is a romantic low-point for any New Yorker. She argues that a good old-fashioned one-nighter is not only disappointing, but casts a few veiled aspersions on New York men. Not only am I insulted but such a comment, but I take that as a challenge to the fairer sex: "And what makes women any different?" So, in simple terms ...
.jpg "The Gentlemen's Art of the New York Pick-Up")
The Gentlemen's Art of the New York Pick-Up
The New York pick-up, about as fickle as the cast of Gossip Girl. It is not only completely subjective, but also completely fly-by-night. Therefore, take this advice or leave it. Hot on the heels of my original guide, Return of The New York Gentleman, I give you The Gentleman's Art of meeting the fairer sex. Enjoy, boys.
.jpg "The Life Lessons Of Star Wars")
The Life Lessons Of Star Wars
A long time ago, in a era far, far removed from anything we recognize today, George Lucas gave the world Star Wars. Thirty-odd years later, we still love it; so much so, that we forgive his recent habits of beating a dead horse. Star Wars means something to all of us. For me, it was the father I never had. Everything thing I learned in life, I learned from Star Wars.
.jpg "The Minor Details of Dating In New York")
The Minor Details of Dating In New York
The Rules. The Game. The Process. The Procedure. Everybody in this town seems to have a name for how they go about courting the next significant other. It's weird. It's fun. And sometimes, it's utterly pointless. In a city so obsessed with status, it's downright comical the paces we go through, just so we make a decent first impression to the person we - at some point - wouldn't mind seeing naked. Everything from making the first phone call to making too much effort on the first date; you hav...
.jpg "The Mixtape")
The Mixtape
Perhaps the greatest advent of our modern era is the mixtape. A single piece of paraphernalia that express so much longing, or expression, or just really is nice to listen to. Making a mixtape was made most popular to our generation by the film High Fidelity and now carries the hipster cred of an 8. In every person, there is a list of song waiting to be organized. What's your list?
.jpg "The Philadelphia Sports Curse")
The Philadelphia Sports Curse
Philadelphia. A city that knows how to party and how to curse everything it believes in. Specifically, it's four major sports franchises. For over 100 collective seasons, Philadelphia sports teams have never brought home a championship. Now, you may be thinking "Hey, Fried - I'm a Cubs fan; cry me a river." Yeah, that's one sport, genius. What else does Chicago have? The Bulls and the Bears. Boston? Please; even before the Red Sox, the Patriots paved the way. Now, I have no sympathy for Bean...
.jpg "The U.S. Government's Guide To A Fun, Affordable Weekend In New York City")
The U.S. Government's Guide To A Fun, Affordable Weekend In New York City
The government wants you - the American people - to know that even though all the news networks say that a "scary Second Great Depression" is on the horizon, that's just a load of propaganda. Sure, our economy isn't in the best shape it could be in, but Washington wants to assure you that we are far from, I don't know, selling child labor on the Chinese black market. Anyway, what's really going on with the economy? Why, Change, my friend; beautiful Change that will eventually lead to a better...
.jpg "The Worst Teams of All Time")
The Worst Teams of All Time
We all know one. That one team that is either a constant embarrassment, or a good laugh - depending on the day. Thank God for mediocrity, or dear God - please stop the pain!
.jpg "They Can't All Be Brian Wilson...")
They Can't All Be Brian Wilson...
Scott Weiland, former lead singer of STP and Velvet Revolver, announced this week that he is working on a follow-up to his 1998 solo effort 12 BAR BLUES. Weiland has already said it won't be a record for everyone, being a two-disc study on his failed marriage (and I imagine recurring substance abuse). If this guy can find time to put out a solo album, I'm just wondering who else out there should honestly contemplate a stand-alone venture.
.jpg "The Yuppie Cesspools of New York City")
The Yuppie Cesspools of New York City
Yuppies have killed Manhattan. That's right, I said it. For the last decade - in an obscene volume - more and more young urban professionals seemed to have invaded this city like rats invade a McDonald's. They've come from all around - North Jersey, The Main Line, Connecticut, Long Island, New England - to New York, looking to make big money, and live some ridiculous lifetsyle on par with whatever The Real World is hocking each year as "young, hip, and stupid". In light of the market crash ho...
.jpg "Things I've Learned From The Women I've Slept With")
Things I've Learned From The Women I've Slept With
Some people learn their life lessons from relationship to relationship. Others from dating one psycho after the next. And then, there are people - like me - who always get the best perspective from a myriad of drunken hook-ups. Personally, I've found you actually see the best, and worst, of people when all you have is 24 hours for some bump and grind between the sheets. This is where you learn some of life's greatest lessons. And, I hope, you wore a condom while doing so...
.jpg "Welcome To South Jersey")
Welcome To South Jersey
Haddonfield, New Jersey. Possibly the most boring place on Earth, or at least in Camden County, and the town that I called home for seven years of my life. My family and I first moved here in 1996 and I started counting the days of my escape from that point on (2,203 days - give or take). It's not that I absolutely hated being there, it's just that I knew I didn't want to stay any longer than I had to. Of course, in six years since I graduated high school and moved to New York City, something...
.jpg "What I Love About Matt Fried")
What I Love About Matt Fried
Matt Fried is many things. An artist. A comedian. A genius. A role model. A lady's man. A scoundrel. A gentleman. A man for all seasons. @ubree's love interest. The list truly does go on. Over the last year, he's emerged from relative obscurity to take this world by storm. Doing what; nobody knows exactly. That being said - what isn't to love about him?
.jpg "Where Are You Now?")
Where Are You Now?
Fall semesters across America start this week. For some of us, college was over too quickly. For everybody else, it couldn't have ended soon enough. It's